It’s all a bit silly… and that’s OK

This post originally appeared November 3, 2013, on the Contact – Infinite Futures SF blog.

Every single person reading this has a ridiculous skeleton somewhere in their closet. Whether it’s a complete collection of Batman Forever trading cards lovingly stored in plastic sleeves, an 8th-grade notebook of sincere but awful poetry that should be burned, or files of fanfic about you and Data. And Jayne Cobb. And Batman. All at the same time.

Truth is, life is silly. Honesty is embarrassing. Feelings are awkward. Sex is goofy. Optimism is childish. Dreams are mad. Passion is embarrassing. Fandom is geeky.

And also utterly wonderful.

I love science fiction, even when it isn’t sophisticated. Especially when it isn’t sophisticated. The toilet plunger arm on Daleks. The green body paint on Star Trek alien chicks. The cinnamon buns on the sides of Princess Leia’s head. The entire first season of Babylon 5.

I love fantasy and fairy tales. Talking animals. Pointed ears. Kissing a dead girl to bring her back to life. Half-sized people with hairy feet.

I love steampunk. It doesn’t have to be historically or even mechanically accurate. Decorative gears that don’t actually do anything. Goggles that are nothing more than hatbands. Corsets as outerwear. Nerf guns covered with metallic paint.

I love romance. Throbbing love hammers. Cherry-tipped nips. Damp nethers. Straight men who spend weeks worrying about what a woman is thinking.

Whether a creator or just a fan, you can’t take this stuff 100% seriously. Deep down, we know the absurdity of it all, then love it anyway. Because this is who we are. We are goofballs. Hairless apes full of nonsense and monkeyshines. And anyone who says otherwise is probably a hypocrite in possession of a giant collection of adorable but useless porcelain statues, or memorabilia from a pastime that involves grown men chasing after a bit of stuffed animal skin like it’s the Holy Grail.

Myself, I’m a fan of Highland romance. Big men with kilts and bad accents. “I dinna ken ye looved me, lass.” Aye, ah doo. Can’t get enough.

I’m also madly in love with Skyrim and its characters, enough to write tongue-in-cheek fan fiction, even though it’s a video game and having feelings for pixels is mental.

And I’m a huge fan of the movie Hawk the Slayer (1980), low budget, disco soundtrack, Silly String special effects and all. It’s available on Netflix, last time I checked. Go watch it and laugh with me. My laughter isn’t derisive, just honest.

What ludicrous books, movies, games and things do you love? Dare to share?

~ J.L. Hilton

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Heroes and hagravens at Escapist Expo 2013

Escapist Expo is a 3-day convention in Durham, NC, where The Escapist magazine highlights video games, tabletop games, card games, science fiction, fantasy, comics and music. This year’s event happened over the weekend of October 4-6 and I’m finally getting around to writing about it!

LOTR: Awesome crossplay. These are both women! Escapist Expo 2013. Photo courtesy of my minion Lilith.

Last year, I shared a table with Bull Spec, a regional fiction magazine, promoting my Stellarnet Series along with many other local authors. This year I had my own table and peddled my handmade jewelry beside my post-cyberpunk fiction and the non-fiction steampunk art books in which my design work is featured.

I wish I could tell you about all of the exciting and amazing things that happened at the expo — Totalbiscuit, Yahtzee Croshaw, live-action zombie Nerf games, cosplay contest, Geek Trivia, MTG tourney, Cards Against Humanity, D20 Girls, panels — but I suffered a screwed up shoulder and spent most of my time behind my table, when I wasn’t resting and loading up on ibuprofen. Many thanks to my minions and the sweet expo volunteer who helped me lug my junk to the ballroom.

The expo crowd was a good one, though. Young and young-at-heart, upbeat, savvy and entertaining. I enjoyed meeting the folks who stopped by to peruse my shiny trinkets and I gorged on a visual feast of cool costumes.

For part of the weekend, I also hosted an old Underwood manual typewriter, courtesy of Bull Spec, upon which participants were encouraged to experience the origins of the “shift” key or figure out how to type an exclamation point. “How do you go to the next line?” was asked several times. “I thought the @ symbol was invented for the Internet,” someone said. It’s kind of creepy living long enough to witness an entire generation of grown adults who’ve never even touched an item I grew up with.

More goodies from the Escapist Expo:

SKYRIM: Hagraven, Briarheart, Giant and bandits. Photo by Heather Barefoot (c) The Escapist

Official photos from the Escapist Expo

Official videos from the Escapist Expo

Pics of the crossplay dwarves on Facebook

Geek jewelry from Taramorphic

Author and video game writer Richard Dansky

Fantasy illustrator Cynthia Sheppard

Rumble and Roar Wandmakers

~ J.L. Hilton

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Dear romance authors

I enjoy a good romance novel. I’m especially fond of anything in a kilt. Yes, Highland Romance is a cheesy genre, peppered with “dinnas” and “aye, lassies.” It typically pairs a sassy heroine who doesn’t fit the time period with a Muscles MacCoolguy hero who’s strong enough to survive death, disease, mortal wounds, time travel and an invading army, yet romantic and sensitive enough to make love like an enchanted elven gigolo on Viagra. And I enjoy every bit of it.

Tropes are tropes because we love them, and I have no quarrel with that. But some clichés bring my enjoyment of romance to a screeching halt.

1) “SLANTING.”

There are two very overused examples: “Sunlight slanted through the window…” and “His mouth slanted over hers…” The first appears so often in fiction of all genres that it should be a drinking game, and the second just doesn’t make any sense. Have you ever in your life said to a friend, “I loved the way my boyfriend slanted his mouth last night”? The author might as well write, “His mouth sloped over hers…” or “He angled his tongue…” There’s got to be a better way to explain what’s happening than to make it sound like a guy can’t properly aim his smootcher.

2) “FISTING.”

As in… “His hand fisted her hair.” Really? Maybe this is a common expression somewhere in the world, but I’ve lived 40+ years all over the U.S. and the only use of “fisting” I’ve ever heard is the hardcore porn kind employed in the uncut version of Caligula. Which REALLY ruins my immersion when I’m reading a romance.

3) CRISIS INTROSPECTION.

“As the bullets whizzed by his head, he wondered how she felt about him. He recalled the way her eyes gazed at him from across the room during the dance and couldn’t remember anyone ever looking at him that way before…” There’s no human being, male or female, who would be “wondering if she could trust the promise in his kiss” or “averting his gaze from her voluptuous breasts and the half-lidded suggestion in her eyes” when they’re near death or in some terribly desperate situation. Desperate moments might evoke desperate declarations, but spare me the navel gazing and pages of pondering — and the sex scenes — until a lull in the action.

4) DITHERING.

I can’t relate to adult characters who spend all their time worrying, speculating, doubting and daydreaming like 15-year-olds. There are certainly times for reflection and inner turmoil. But these work well if supported by actions and external events. If the entire “plot” of a romance novel is nothing but chapter after chapter of his unexpressed confusion, alternating with chapters of her endless mental waffling, no thanks.

5) STUPIDITY.

I once read a historic romance about a worldly knight who’d fought battles and wooed women all over Europe. But for the duration of the novel, he suddenly couldn’t understand body language, sexual attraction, emotion, politics, female anatomy, social status or the function of his own junk. He went on and on in the vein of “I just don’t know why she kissed me or why my body responded…”

Dude, seriously?

~ J.L. Hilton

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Do aliens have flags?

This is what I envisioned for the Glinnish flag invented by extraterrestrial ambassador Duin a week before arriving in the United States, in my second book, Stellarnet Prince.

Duin stepped onto the platform. Cheering spectators packed the South Lawn and waved little flags—some the U.S. flag and some the Glin flag that Duin made up a week ago. The flag featured a field of celadon with a simplified, cream-colored j’ni, its petals in the shape of raindrops.
(Excerpt from Stellarnet Prince)

I had a lot to consider when I brought my aliens to Earth. As envoys, they were welcomed with pomp and circumstance at every turn. But what does an alien diplomat do when his world has no centralized government, no official flag, no national anthem, no formal attire?

He fakes it.

A refrain of music alerted them to a call from J.T. and his face appeared in a window on the wall. Normally, they couldn’t chat because of the lag from Earth, but J.T. was already on Asteria for the wedding. “’Lo. Quick question: What’s the Glin anthem? The U.S. chief of protocol is asking.”

Duin sighed in exasperation. “We don’t have an anthem. We don’t have a flag, animal, color, or official seal. I already told him. We have a motto, awah na glem, and a sacred flower, the j’ni.”

“You’ll need to come up with a flag, then, and pick a song, or they’ll end up playing some asinine thing like the theme from Star Trek.”

Duin waved his hands in an elaborate shrug. “Belloc, what’s your favorite Glinnish song?”

Plibbub Twishub.”

Duin gushed laughter.

Belloc didn’t know what was so funny. “My mother sang it to me.”

“They’ll play whatever the hell you tell ’em to play. But come up with something so they’ll stop crawling up my ass. Ciao.” J.T. disappeared.

Plib means small, right?” J’ni asked Belloc. “What does it mean? Small raindrop…small splash…”

Duin sang. “Plibbub plibbub plibbub…Ahh twishub…Plibbub plibbub plibbub…Ahh twishub.” But the way he said them, the words were almost like sound effects, mimicking the sounds of water drops and splashing. “Ahh” was sung over several descending notes.

“It’s a lullaby,” J’ni said. Belloc didn’t know what that word meant, but she explained before he had to ask. “A song for children.”

“Yes.” Duin continued chuckling. “I think I’ve sung it to my descendants about four thousand times, at least.”

Duin ends up choosing a selection from Handel’s “Water Music” because it’s the first thing that comes up when he l’ups (future slang for “looks up”) “water music” on the Net. It’s also the first thing that came up when I Googled “water music” IRL. lol

~ J.L. Hilton

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Documentary summer: SF/F, geeks and fandom

This post originally appeared August 25, 2013, on the Contact – Infinite Futures SF blog.

When I wasn’t attending steampunk conventions, working on novels or earning my platinum trophy in Skyrim, I spent my summertime watching documentaries about SF/F and fandom. Here are a few of my favorites.

TREK NATION (2011) is Eugene “Rod” Roddenberry’s touching journey of discovery about Star Trek and his father, who died when Rod was 17. Includes interviews with his mother Majel Barrett, George Lucas, Wil Wheaton and others who worked on the original Star Trek and the Next Generation. View it on Netflix streaming, Amazon or on at the Science Channel website.

COMIC-CON EPISODE IV: A FAN’S HOPE (2010) includes coverage of San Diego Comic-Con and commentary by Frank Miller, Kevin Smith, Matt Groening, Seth Rogen, Eli Roth and others who share their feelings about what it means to be a geek. Available on Hulu and Amazon. Presented by Stan Lee and Joss Whedon, this one also follows the lives of five attendees looking to win cosplay prizes, land a job, propose marriage, sell a rare comic book, and become a comic book artist.

THE PEOPLE VS. GEORGE LUCAS (2010) explores the love/hate relationship between the creator of Star Wars and his fans, asking the question: Who really owns pop culture, the author of the universe or the fans who love it? Combines interviews taken from over 600 hours of footage with fan-made Star Wars andIndiana Jones material in song, needlepoint, Lego, claymation, puppets and paper-mâché. Available on Netflix streaming and Amazon as of this writing.

Not a documentary but it might as well be, GAMERS: HANDS OF FATE (2013) is the third in the Gamers series by Dead Gentlemen Productions. Filmed at Gen Con Indy, a real gaming convention, and funded by over 4000 Kickstarter backers (I’m one of them), this docufiction follows RPG-player and snarkass Cass as he enters the cutthroat world of collectible card games to win a date with Natalie, a championship player. Includes geek references, humor, and some of the issues facing women in SF/F, comics and gaming.

Speaking of issues facing female geeks…


NOTHING TO PROVE is a musical montage of real geeks by the Doubleclicks. Gets me right in the feels. Every. Time.

Also worth mentioning is DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE (2006) about the rise, fall and rebirth of the cult television show Firefly as told from the perspective of the fans aka Browncoats. I purchased a copy on DVD several years ago, but recently noticed it’s on Netflix streaming.

~ J.L. Hilton

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ELYSIUM and my jaded soul

This post originally appeared August 11, 2013, on the Contact – Infinite Futures SF blog.

I just saw Elysium, the new movie by Neill Blomkamp (District 9), and I loved it. From the first scene, it grabbed me and didn’t let go. I kept thinking, I hope this movie doesn’t disappoint me. Please, please don’t let it turn stupid and disappoint me.

It didn’t.

In a weird way that I can’t really analyze at the moment because it’s after 2am, this movie made me feel the way I feel about Blade Runner. Probably because even though it’s billed as a science fiction action film, Elysium is as cyberpunk as anything, with a gritty near-future dystopian sad-sack world, cybernetic augmentation of the human body, the ability to link the brain to a computer and download information, and hackers rebelling against an oppressive regime.

There were a few moments that almost ruined my immersion, a few little plot points that didn’t quite add up, and I can eagerly criticize the evil-for-evil’s-sake thug Kruger who plays the hands-on baddy, complete with extraneous katana a la Serenity‘s Operative, and an “I Will Sexually and Physically Threaten Women To Motivate the Hero” trope. Getting tired of that one. Blomkamp could have toned him down a bit… ok, a LOT… and Elysium would approach perfection, for me.

But I still loved this movie in spite of its flaws. Because aside from Matt Damon – whose presence in any movie adds a bonus star to its rating far as I’m concerned – what I enjoyed… no, more than enjoyed… what reached deep inside of me and wrung tears from my jaded soul, is that Elysium is real science effing fiction. The kind that actually includes science, technology, humanity and social commentary. The kind that gives you something real to think about.

This movie takes itself seriously. Other than the over-the-top Kruger, who honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if he was only added after feedback from American test audiences or on the insistence of some studio exec… Or, wait… maybe that’s the whole point of his cliché character, to represent the psychotic obsession with sexism and violence we seem to have in the U.S.? Wow.

There are no aliens. The year is 2154, but the technology is not so far removed from reality that it appears magical or far-fetched. No one “realigns” any “deflector arrays.” A robotic police force, powered exoskeletons, storage of data in living cells, and a large space station could be possible within the next four years, if we really tried, not the next one-hundred and forty years. And we don’t have to wait a century to see a world where people living in slums are willing to risk their lives and break the law in order to give their children medical treatment and a better life. One billion people worldwide live in slums right now and that population is projected to grow to 2 billion by 2030.

Yes, there’s a message in this film, and that seems to bother some people. But weren’t there messages in Star Trek? A Clockwork Orange? H.G. Wells’ Time Machine? Logan’s Run? V for Vendetta? Stepford Wives? The message at the core of Elysium is that human suffering should be mitigated by those with the power to do so. Some people have called the movie socialist, but it’s a theme that predates the political term by hundreds of years. Max becomes a savior hero in the vein of Prometheus, Jesus or Robin Hood.

~ J.L. Hilton

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Where art meets science: Steampunk dinosaurs?

The life-sized skeleton sculptures of Dinosaurs in Motion weren’t steam-powered. Some moved when touched, their heavy heads bobbing on spring-loaded necks. Others operated like giant marionettes, hanging on a system of cables and pulleys, moved by cranks. Electric motors powered others, connected to video game controllers.

All were inspired by actual fossils but made of metal, bolts, springs, gears and the occasional bit of mesh from repurposed screen doors. Quite an experience, walking through this metal menagerie made by John Payne, who merged mechanical science and artistic craftsmanship to create something that would not be out of place in a steampunk novel.

Speaking of steampunk dinosaurs, check out my friend Robert Appleton’s book Prehistoric Clock. It has real dinosaurs, not metal or robotic, because it’s a time travel tale. But maybe these pictures will inspire his next story…

Kinetic sculpture by John Payne, photo by Karen Swain, NCMNS

Kinetic sculpture by John Payne, photo by Karen Swain, NCMNS

Kinetic sculpture by John Payne, photo by Karen Swain, NCMNS

Kinetic sculpture by John Payne, photo by Karen Swain, NCMNS

~ J.L. Hilton

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Why would aliens menace Earth?

This post originally appeared July 14, 2013, on the Contact – Infinite Futures SF blog.

War of the Worlds paper cutting from the Freakshow Blog

If habitable planets and resources are abundant in the Milky Way, then why would aliens attack us?

To serve man. Resistance is futile. Mars needs women.

SETI Institute senior astronomer Seth Shostak recently told NBC News Science Editor Alan Boyle that any aliens who could make it to Earth would be waaaaay ahead of us technologically. And if they’d solved all of the problems of space travel, they’d be able to solve their own food shortages or environmental issues without needing to eat us. They would be able to fix their own reproductive issues without kidnapping human females. They could build their own servants without needing to enslave us. Natural resources such as water (ice), minerals and gases are abundant on asteroids, moons and uninhabited planets. No need to steal them from our world.

So what plausible motivation remains? Evil for evil’s sake?

Shostak served as one of the consultants for last year’s big alien-attack movie, “Battleship,” and although he made several suggestions for the villainous aliens’ motivation, the filmmakers didn’t pick up on any of them. Instead, the motivation was left unsaid — which is kind of a Shakespearean thing to do. “These guys are just like the bad kids down a dark alley. They’re just malevolent,” Shostak said. “They’re baaad.”

It bears remembering that science fiction isn’t just about science. Authors and filmmakers often function as psychologists or historians as much as (or more than) they are scientists. Alien invasions stories are dramas based on our own trespasses and our worst fears.

War of the Worlds can be interpreted as a commentary on evolutionary theory, British Imperialism and Victorian superstitions, fears and prejudices. The film They Live satirizes the 1980s as a period of conspicuous consumption in which the (hidden alien) elite oppress poverty-stricken humans and a shrinking middle class. Falling Skies depicts the survivors of an alien invasion that destroys 90% of the population — reminiscent of the estimated percentage of indigenous Americans killed by plague after Europeans arrived.

In my Stellarnet Series, it’s not Earth but an alien world that’s invaded by other aliens. And while, at first, the invasion seems based on sheer malevolence, the real reasons come to light as the plot unfolds through books one and two. It’s no coincidence that I wrote book one while we were still embroiled in an Iraq War fueled by false pretenses. Or that Tikati accusations against the “lazy, untrustworthy” Glin are paraphrased quotes made by Anglo-Saxons about the Irish, over a century ago.

What are some of your favorite alien invasion stories? What were the reasons behind the fictional invasion? Is it necessary for an alien invasion to be scientifically — or historically — sound, or does eeeevil suffice as a motivation?

~ J.L. Hilton

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Cogs and Captains at Contemporal 2013

Not Voltaire, just a Scottish guy with a kickass costume

I had a great time this weekend at ConTemporal, the 2nd annual steampunk convention in North Carolina.

SO. MANY. COSTUMES.

And I love costumes, but the highlight for me was meeting musician, artist, author, Dr. Strange impersonator, and award-winning stop-action animator Aurelio Voltaire. I had the opportunity to chat with him a few times, attend his musical performance and see his stop-action animation presentation. Here are a few of his songs I heard Friday night:

Captains All
The Mechanical Girl
Death Death Devil Evil Song
When You’re Evil
Raised By Bats

As a panelist at the convention, I discussed the active NC SF/F community with fellow authors James Maxey, Tonia Brown Jeremy Whitley and Allen Wold. Then Mr. Maxey and I joined Steven S. Long, RPG author with Hero Games, to discuss nostalgia, futurists, visionaries, science, space opera, cyberpunk, steampunk and SF. Possibly one of the best panels I’ve ever been on, unfortunately we only had four audience members to witness the awesomeness.

As a moderator, I led a discussion about podcasting with Tee Morris, co-author of Podcasting for Dummies, and Philippa Ballantine — they are the married duo behind the Ministry of Peculiar Occurances — along with Dave Foland of the Nympho Bikini Cruise podcast and Pizzula comic book.

Then I joined Matthew Penick of Ribbons and Rivets (who made me a replica of the Skyrim apothecary satchel earlier this year) and Kirsten Vaughan to talk about costuming on a budget and tips for steampunk costuming. The room filled for this one, possibly the largest audience I’ve had for any convention panel in which I’ve participated.

ConTemporal featured a Mad Hatter tea room, Makers Expo hall of contraptions, and a Bizarre Bazaar. I spent some time with my friends in the Charlotte Geeks, who were there to promote their Geek Gala coming up in October, and my daughter got to do a Teen Writers Workshop with YA steampunk author Jean Claude Bemis.

Here are a few tintypes from the event…

Looking forward to next year!

– J.L. Hilton

SPECIAL BONUS UPDATED JULY 3, 2013: YOUTUBE VIDEO BY BEATDOWNBOOGIE!

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My schedule for ConTemporal

Fri 5 pm – Is There Something in the Water? (panelist) North Carolina, and especially the Triangle, seems to produce a high number of science fiction and fantasy writers. What ‘s special about this area that allows this speculative fiction community to thrive?

Fri 6pm – Nostalgia for the Future (panelist) – Why do the SF visions from past eras continue to hold such power on our imagination?

Sat 11 am – Podcasting Workshop (moderator) – Producing a podcast might be simple, but learning the tips and tricks of creating one that people will actually enjoy listening to might be more difficult. We’ll consider questions such as: What makes a good podcast? What’s the best format for your show? What equipment do you need? What are the practicalities of producing your show?

Sat 3 pm – Costuming on a Budget (moderator) – Cost is the most common obstacle for aspiring steampunks and cosplayers of all types. But you don’t have to break the bank to have a great costume – sometimes all it takes is some creativity. I’ve heard that this will include costuming artists from Ribbons and Rivets but I’m not sure who else.

Hope to see you there!

~ J.L. Hilton

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