THIEF leaves me feeling unsatisfied

THIEF
Rating: M for Mature
Blood, Nudity, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Use of Drugs and Violence

Read part 1: THIEF makes me feel oh so very naughty

********* SPOILERS *********

A few weeks ago I rented THIEF from Redbox and wrote a review based on a few hours of PS3 gameplay. At the time, I thought I was about halfway through, since the main storyline was divided into eight chapters and I’d played up to chapter four.

I rented it again to finish the game and, surprise, there’s also a bunch of side missions. With those and the main story, I ended up spending $12 in total rental fees at $2 a day, though I could have wrapped it up for $6 without the distractions of work, kids, and a cold. I also suffered a setback from the mysterious April Fool’s Day Bug that caused me to lose some of my saved progress.

Through the second half of THIEF, I continued to like Garrett, the snarky anti-hero with a dancer’s body and BDSM suit, and I enjoyed the new missions full of much creepy shit and stealthy snatching. After fiddling with game settings, some of the audio remained a bit weird, but better than before.

I still wasted way too much time bumping into things. Some doors had knobs, many did not. Some windows could be pried open, many could not. Some ledges could be climbed, others not so much. By the time I became familiar with my “focus” ability, the guards’ behavior and the City layout — with its convenient spills of white paint occasionally indicating where to go — the game was almost over.

This is what passes for a map in THIEF. No streets labeled. No indication of where there are passable doors or windows instead of walls. In fact, I sometimes ran into walls where there were no walls drawn. Yay!

“At times, I caught glimpses of the good game that might have been,” said Kirk Hamilton, in his spot-on Kotaku review of THIEF’s disappointments. I hear ya, Kirk. I really, really wanted to love THIEF. I wanted to be all over this game, like cute on a kitten. It’s so many things I love — steampunk, stealth, supernatural, somber scenery, and a sleek, sexy, cynical protagonist.

THIEF felt like it wanted to be so much bigger. I wanted it to be bigger. (That’s what she said.) More characters, more missions, more parkour, more treasures, more puzzles, more chase sequences, more bearded burlesque ladies to rescue, more freedom to roam. I wanted the guards along Glimmer Lane to talk about more than rolling Polly Adler about 800 times.

And more explanations, please!

  • How did Garrett stay alive, if he was passed out for a year and couldn’t eat?
  • If the basic premise of the master thief’s personality and conflict with Erin is that he doesn’t like killing people, how come it seemed to be required to get through every mission with a few well-placed headshots and explosive arrows? (Or maybe that’s just me — I like arrows.)
  • How did the Queen of Beggars know all about the Primal stone fragments?
  • What was the deal with the obelisks (and the buttons inside of them)?
  • Was the Baron going to continue running The City or what?
  • What was Hector going to do with his automaton in Blackmoor?
  • Why did Hector have one of those Keep-shaped keys in a case in his workshop? Did I miss something to do with that?
  • Did Vittori’s carnival ever get to leave port?
  • What about those creepy-ass patients still roaming the asylum?
  • Was the Gloom gone? (And is Polly Adler spreading around something even worse?)
  • What about all the Freaks on the loose, and were they still Freaks after… whatever happened to Erin at the end?
  • Did Garrett actually love Erin at all?
  • Would Erin ever stop being a whiny PITA?
  • How did he reassemble the Primal stone if he still had a piece of it in his eye?
  • Did Basso ever get another bird?

ARRRGH! So many unanswered questions in what had the makings of an excellent story. Perhaps the answers were all there, I just didn’t find them. That I care so much certainly indicates that something in the story hooked me. I believe I could have loved this game the way I love Skyrim, but just didn’t quite get there. So heartbreaking.

~ J.L. Hilton

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THIEF makes me feel oh so very naughty

THIEF
Rating: M for Mature
Blood, Nudity, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Use of Drugs and Violence

I prefer rogues. In Skyrim, my Nightingale Dragonborn sneaks and snipes her way through dungeons. My vampire assassin creeps and cut-throats her way across bandit camps. So, when I saw the new Thief reboot, a video game that relies on stealth rather than brute force, I couldn’t wait to try it out.

Some reviews have been positive, but many have criticized the boring and repetitive gameplay, restrictive map layout, technical issues, gray upon gray graphics, and weak, supernatural-driven story.

I rented a copy from Redbox for my PS3. Within a few hours, I’d reached chapter four out of eight chapters. Granted, I didn’t explore to quite the extent that I might if I owned the game, but it certainly didn’t promise the 800+ hours I’ve devoted to Skyrim. For $2.00, though, I received my money’s worth.

I happen to love the color gray. I thought the muted color palette evoked the appropriate mood and environment for a protagonist who lives in the shadows. Not much different from BioShock, or the grim Mystery Case Files hidden object games I enjoy.

The story seemed no more or less interesting than most. You’re a thief in a psuedo-Victorian city creatively named “the City,” where Industrial Era and supernatural forces collide à la Robert Downey Jr’s Sherlock Holmes. Decent dialog featured one of the funniest conversations I’ve ever overheard in a video game. (Click here to listen. NSFW.)

A man in leather who’s good with his hands? Yes, please.

I liked Garrett, the thief of Thief. Having never played the previous games in the franchise, I had no preconceived ideas about his voice acting or anything else. With his arsenal of tricky arrows, he reminded me a bit of Oliver Queen. I even liked most of the secondary characters — Basso, the Queen of Beggars, the Thief-Taker General and Orion.

Erin, however, got on my last nerve. Unreasonable “I can take care of myself” woman-child who then promptly causes problems, gets in trouble and needs rescuing. Dressed like she just came from Hot Topic, with black nail polish and black lipstick, she wears a big dangling necklace that would have been noisy and impractical for a thief. SPOILER: Apparently she grew up in a brothel, so yay, another “rape as backstory for an edgy female character” trope.

Hi, I’m the annoying hot chick who reminds you of all the girls who ever friendzoned you in high school.

As for the game being repetitive, no more or less than most. Yes, it’s a lot of lockpicking, pickpocketing and sneaking. But is that any different from the repetitive dungeon crawling, jumping puzzles or “shoot the shit out of everything” in other games? I enjoy sneaking, stealing and lockpicking, so Thief worked for me, in that aspect. I’ve no complaints there. I just wished I could have carried more arrows.

So here’s where I agree that I despised the restrictive maps. If inFAMOUS or Assassin’s Creed II can have large, fully-interactive cities, where every wall, drainpipe, awning and window may be climbed, why can’t Thief? I spent too much time bumping against the environment, pushing L2 and figuring out where I could or couldn’t go.

Even worse, the audio. People outside of a building sounded like they were right next to me. I might walk through an open doorway (no loading screen) and go from noise to silence very abruptly, or vice versa. Conversations often overlapped so that I couldn’t understand anything. Ambient sounds were inconsistent.

The brothel mission was a voyeur’s dream, and entirely unsuitable for underage players. And that’s coming from me, who lets my teen play Skyrim and watch The Daily Show. So, no, not a game you can play around the kiddies. Unless you want to explain BDSM to your kiddies.

In spite of it’s issues, the game kind of haunts me. It creeped me out and left me feeling a bit icky. The frustrating gameplay and sound editing pissed me off. But Thief has intrigued me enough that I can’t stop thinking about it. I may just have to rent it again and finish the second half.

Read part 2: THIEF leaves me feeling unsatisfied

~ J.L. Hilton

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Skyrim smut, part 3: “Tickling the angry troll”

* * WARNING: ADULT CONTENT * *

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Tamriel and its inhabitants belong to Bethesda. Zephyr Silvertongue is an original character.

Do not read if you are easily offended by fanfiction, erotica, witty banter, a Dunmer spellsword with nimble fingers, or an Imperial Dragonborn who kisses orcs — just not on the mouth.

Sequel to my previous Skyrim smut, “I need another stamina potion.”

3,000 words.

– J.L. Hilton

* * *

TICKLING THE ANGRY TROLL

From the floor of the wagon, I watched the skies and golden-green aspen branches overhead. A sentinel Teldryn Sero perched on the bench to my left, scanning the road behind us as we rolled toward Windhelm.

“I might regret asking this, but have you ever been with an elf?”

He discussed many subjects during our travels, but I suspected this question had something to do with my attempt to bed him in Markarth. He’d spurned my advances and I hadn’t tried again, in all the months we’d traveled together.

Though he couldn’t see the smile behind my Nightingale mask, he would hear it in my voice. “Been with an elf? Whatever do you mean? I’m with one right now.”

His own face hidden behind a red scarf and goggles, he sighed in frustration. “Do you enjoy making this conversation more difficult for me?”

Normally, he would have appreciated my humor. I changed my tone. “No, Teldryn, I’m sorry. Why do you ask?”

“Morbid curiosity. And a desire to fill the silence before you start singing about yourself, again.”

There it was, the flippant bastard’s sharp tongue. He couldn’t keep it sheathed for long.

Reclining on a stack of burlap sacks, I laced my fingers behind my head and hummed The Dragonborn Comes until he kicked me.

“Alright! Well… there’s the Bosmer you met in Riverwood.”

“Faendal?” The name dripped from his lips with bitter mockery.

“He’s a good friend, one of the first I made in Skyrim. We traveled together awhile, but he’s not a mercenary and eventually wanted to go home.”

“I don’t blame him. If I had to settle in Skyrim, Riverwood might be the place I’d choose.”

“That, and he’s got a horker tusk for Lucan’s sister, Camilla. Couldn’t leave her alone with Sven for too long.”

“The woman in the trader’s shop? The one who kept saying—” Teldryn mimicked her voice. “‘It’s a fine day with you around.’

“The very one.”

“Not the sharpest weapon in the armory, is she?”

“I don’t know what he sees in her, but I’ve given up trying to understand the love lives of elves.” Whether they are Bosmer or Dunmer, I added to myself. “He taught me how to use a bow. I taught him how to hit my target. He was sweet, but…”

I tried to think of a diplomatic way to say he lacked imagination and depravity.

“Not satisfying?” Teldryn suggested.

“I prefer Nords for their size, strength and stamina.”

“So I’ve noticed.”

Teldryn met my husband, Stenvar, in Solitude, and he knew I’d engaged my housecarl, Argis, to relieve my tensions in Vlindrel Hall. I refrained from telling him about my previous companions, Vorstag and Thonnir, and the many nights the three of us spent together consoling Thonnir after the loss of his wife to vampires. Nor did I relate the means by which I’d thanked Ralof for helping me escape Helgen. Teldryn had asked about Mer, not Men.

“There was an orc in Cidhna Mine.”

“An Orsimer?” He made a noise of disgust. “I imagine a relationship with him was prudent so long as you were imprisoned.”

The wagon hit a bump in the road. I waited until we got past the rough patch, then continued the conversation.

“He didn’t coerce or force me, if that’s what you’re implying. I seduced him. They called him Borkul the Beast and he lived up to his name.”

Teldryn repeated my words. “Size, strength and stamina.”

“He was a lovely shade of green, too, like the stem of a lavender flower.”

“And what did he say when you gave him that bit of poetry?”

“I never did. He wasn’t much of a romantic.”

“I’m shocked.” No he wasn’t. “How does one kiss an Orsimer through those sharp, pointy teeth?”

“I don’t remember kissing him on the mouth.”

“Delightful,” he sneered.

“Borkul belonged to Madanach, the king in rags. He and the Forsworn were decent to me.”

“I’ve never heard the terms ‘Forsworn’ and ‘decent’ used together.”

“They only want the same thing the Nords want. Control of their own lands and destinies, and the right to worship as they please. I’d been sent to kill them, but after I heard their stories, I helped them escape, instead. I despise what that hypocrite Ulfric Stormcloak did in Markarth.”

“You would rather the Reachmen rip Markarth from the loving embrace of the Empire?”

“Better that than see the place crawling with Thalmor. No one is free in the Aldmeri Dominion.”

“Now you sound like a Stormcloak.”

“I haven’t taken sides in the war.”

“They won’t wait forever. You’re an ally every faction desires—Stormcloak, Empire, even the Thalmor.”

“To Oblivion with the Thalmor.”

Day began to wane and a cold wind stirred the trees. The weather would turn to snow by the time we reached Eastmarch. Teldryn slipped a sprig of frost mirriam under his red scarf and into his mouth, a mild measure of cold resistance. I made a mental note to brew some potions of frost resistance at the White Phial.

“So, I should assume you haven’t bedded an Altmer?”

“And I never will, even if one of them would want to tarnish his golden staff with an Imperial.”

“An Imperial Dragonborn. Someday, you might be worshiped as the next Talos.”

“And they’d probably hunt down my worshipers, too.”

“No private flute lessons from Viarmo, then?” Teldryn referred to the head of the bard’s college in Solitude, and my reason for entering Skyrim in the first place. So long ago. So much had changed.

“No.” I took an apple from one of the sacks and removed my mask to eat.

Teldryn touched his thumb to the tip of each finger, counting off. “Bosmer, Orsimer, Altmer. The Dwemer are gone and I assume Falmer are out of the question…?”

“Of course.”

“Which leaves us with …” He flourished his hand in the air, as if introducing himself at a Bardic recital. “The Dunmer.”

“Not for lack of trying,” I reminded him.

“If you wanted to add one of us to your… collection… there’s always Captain Veleth.”

I huffed dismissively. “He’s in love with Dreyla Alor.”

“Get him alone in the Bulwark, late one night, then tell me I’m wrong.”

“Dunmer don’t find me attractive.” Or, rather, one Dunmer in particular. Or so I’d thought. Teldryn’s lenses pointed at me with an unwavering gaze, reflecting the orange glow of sunset.

On the road, we both wore our masks. Traditional Nightingale garb dictated mine, and his bore more than a resemblance to the Morag Tong, the mysterious Morrowind assassins guild. I’d only seen him without his chitin helmet in Markarth, when I’d caught a glimpse of him in the bath. Since then, he’d taken care to remain unseen. Which took some doing, because the fastidious elf loved to be clean. The blind Falmer would never smell his approach.

“You’ve tamed dragons, destroyed Miraak, and traveled to Apocrypha without going mad,” he said. “Such a woman would capture the interest of any Dunmer. Even, perhaps, a Telvanni wizard?”

“Neloth? He’s what? Three hundred years old?”

“Five hundred, at least. He’d be well-versed in the fornication school of magic.”

I almost choked with laughter and a mouthful of apple. When I recovered, I asked, “Is that similar to illusion or conjuration? Can you make your cock invisible? Or summon a tit atronach?”

He didn’t laugh with me, but grumbled, “Don’t underestimate the imagination and ability of a Dunmer mage.”

“You’re a Dunmer mage.”

“Exactly.”

I wondered how many fornication spells he knew.

The first stars appeared and Bjorlam, our carriage driver, lit his lanterns. I finished the apple and tossed the core over the side of the cart.

“So, Neloth or Veleth? Hmm… I don’t know. They both have those angular Dunmer features. High cheekbones, stern grimaces, arched eyebrows, deep haggard lines, scathing eyes.”

“It is our ill-favored fate to look the way we do,” he snapped, with an edge like Mehrunes Razor.

“Don’t mistake me, Teldryn. After spending some time on Solstheim, I appreciate the grim glamor of your people. They’re strange, but alluring. Character is so much more attractive than mere beauty.”

“I agree.”

His lenses turned away from me and back to watching the road. He’d lunged, I’d parried, he’d retreated. My turn to advance.

“I’ve answered your questions, now answer mine.”

He replied in a voice so low I almost couldn’t hear him over the creaking of the wagon wheels. “What do you want to know?”

“Does your dour cynicism melt away in the darkness? When everything is gray, do Dunmer burn as hot as the molten lava of Red Mountain? Or are they as cold as the unmelting snow at the Throat of the World? Does living so long make a Mer disdain love, or feel it more deeply than you would ever admit to anyone, even yourself?”

“Anything else?” A bit of levity returned to his voice.

“Yes. Does your skin taste like ash?”

He left his seat and knelt on the floor of the wagon beside me. Removing his chitin helmet, he revealed long, pointed ears, scarred gray skin, a black goatee, and a thick strip of hair down the middle of his head. When he took off the goggles, I saw his scarlet eyes for the first time.

“I am yours to taste, if you will still have me.”

To hear sincerity rather than sarcasm in his voice surprised me. I’d seen the red eyes of other Dunmer, glinting with an inner glow like rubies in firelight. But his eyes unnerved me. Me, the Dovahkiin, who’d stared into the eyes of dragons and consumed their souls.

I tried to lighten the mood. “You don’t have to sound so depressed, like you’re taking one for the regiment.”

He abandoned all humor. “I’d hoped to wait until the day you loved me in return.” He paused, searching for words, as if there were any more words worth saying after admitting he loved me, but he found them. “I could not let you satisfy your curiosity with another Dunmer.”

I possessed the star of Azura and Meridia’s blessed sword Dawnbreaker. I’d reconstructed the Crown of Berenziah and recovered the shards of Ysgramor’s ancient axe Wuuthrad. Yet, when I lifted my fingers to Teldryn’s mouth and the purple lines tattooed on his chin, I trembled to touch such a treasure.

His voice echoed in my mind like the chanting song of a dragon wall... the day you loved me in return …

As if he’d picked my master lock, my heart opened wide and revealed a truth that had been hidden there for some time.

I told him, “I do love you, Teldryn Sero,” and felt the warmth of his exhale.

He grasped my hand and kissed my fingertips still sweet with apple juice. Wrapping his lips around the tip of my first finger, I felt his teeth and his hot, wet tongue while he moved to the next fingertip, and the next, until he’d tasted them all. He covered my palm with light kisses I could hardly feel through the black leather of my fingerless gloves, but it didn’t matter. I could feel the adoration.

Teldryn made his way to my wrist and up the inside of my arm. I dragged the fingers of my sword hand through his hair, traced the feathery tattoos over his cheekbones and the tip of his pointed ear, while he kissed a path to my shoulder. I tried to memorize every line of a face enigmatic as an Elder Scroll. I shuddered.

“Cold?” He held his hand above my chest and a flames crackled over his fingers.

“It’s not the air that makes me shiver.”

His lips pressed together in a wry smile. “My apologies, Serjo Dovah.” Dragon Queen. A clever mixture of Dunmer and Dragon language. “Should I stop?”

“Of course not.”

I invoked a healing spell and grasped his burning hand, lacing my glowing fingers with his. I felt the heat, but no pain. The intermingling of the two spells gave me a faint prickling sensation. When the magic faded, he kissed my sword hand as he’d kissed the other. Moving along my arm to my neck, his nimble mouth did more with a few inches of bare skin than most men could do with my entire body.

I moaned, squirming against the tension that spread through me, and didn’t care if the carriage driver listened. I could feel hard muscle beneath the netch leather covering Teldryn’s right shoulder, but his chitin-plated armor prevented further exploration.

Panting in short breaths, aching to be filled, I had no idea if he could fill me. I didn’t care. I wanted him, any part of him, inside me. I didn’t care which part or where. I searched for the knot of his trousers.

He shifted his weight, pinning my shield arm and limiting my access to his personal treasury. “Patience, Serjo Dovah. I said I’m yours, but I’ve no intention of being undressed if we’re attacked by bandits.”

“Summon an atronach while I fill the bastards with arrows. We’ll be fine”

My sword hand went for his trousers again and he caught my wrist. “And if there’s a dragon?”

I tested the strength of his grip. Strong as ebony. Much more powerful than he looked, the slender Dunmer, which aroused me more.

He saw the rise and fall of my chest, the way I licked my lips, and laughed at me. “I’ve yet to taste your mouth, and you’re already on the verge of eruption. Do you need a blade in your sheath?”

He thrust his hips against me, teasing.

“Yes.” I met his thrust and writhed against him. “Yes.” My insistence didn’t move him. “If you want me to beg, then… yes, please.”

“Yes, please, whom?”

“Yes, please, Teldryn.”

“Try again.”

“Yes, please, you maddeningly miserable mammoth’s backside!” I made a show of pushing him away but remained pinned.

“Not the endearment I’m looking for.”

“Yes, please, my love.”

Smirking, he placed my hand around the back of his neck. I let it remain there, being precious little skin elsewhere for me to touch. Meanwhile, he dragged a finger over the round curve of my ear, then across my forehead and down to the tip of my nose, and said, “No.”

“No?”

“No, I won’t let you have my elven blade. Not yet.”

I opened my mouth and flicked my tongue, but he snatched his hand away.

“You bastard. At least let me taste you. You don’t have to undress, just loosen your trousers.”

“No.”

“Damn you, Dunmer, why not?”

“It won’t be enough to fulfill me, Zephyr Silvertongue. Not after all these months of watching you, wanting you, waiting for you.”

With each word, I could smell the peppery hint of frost mirriam on his breath. I clutched his neck and pulled him to my lips, his burning mouth igniting my passion like a fireball. He wielded his tongue with the deftness of an assassin’s blade. I marveled at his skill, dying for him to end me.

I broke off to plead. “Don’t torture me.”

“I will.” He smiled and caressed the curve of my breast, my hip and then between my legs, with just enough pressure that I could feel him but not enough to satisfy me. “I will torture you until you pay for every moment you spent fucking that damned housecarl.”

“I could have fucked you. You turned me down.”

“Because I don’t want to fuck you.” He kissed my ear. “I want to know you.” My closed eyes. “Love you.” My mouth. “Possess you.” Unbuckling the belt around my hips, he worked his hand into my pants. “And I want you to want the same, of me.”

I gasped. “I do.” I thrust against his hand, seeking relief.

“You’re a bad liar when you’re wet.”

He found the hidden jewel in my treasure chest, and any protest I might have made about my honesty came out a senseless cry. He covered my mouth with his free hand. No, his skin didn’t taste like ash, he tasted like salt and leather.

“You’ll attract every sabre cat, bear and troll for miles,” he chastised me, but didn’t relent the skillful manipulation that drove me to continue my stifled groaning.

I recognized the tingling of a low-level lightning spell humming, uncast, from his hand between my thighs. Against my most sensitive skin, the vibration felt like nothing I’d ever experienced before. I convulsed, clutching him, biting his palm. I did not merely peak but exploded, again and again, Dibella’s gift shattering me into a thousand sparks, like the stars overhead.

I felt lost for ages before I returned to the rustling leaves, the jostling wagon and Teldryn’s warm hands. I tasted blood and, realizing how hard I’d bitten him, immediately cast a healing spell that swirled around him like a cloud of torchbugs. He removed his hand from my mouth and examined the vanishing wound.

“I’m glad I didn’t let you near my cock.”

I entwined my legs with his and my arms around his neck. He grasped my backside, pulling me close, kissing me again.

“How do I get you naked and inside me?” I demanded. “Tell me.”

“You still want me? I thought you’d lose interest, soon as I tickled your angry troll.”

I considered the inches of gray skin I’d yet to taste, the shape of the cock I’d yet to know, and the sexual uses of magic I’d never imagined. I recalled the conversations, the battles, the roads we’d traveled. I marveled at the mind, body, heart and soul of Teldryn Sero.

“I want you more than anything or anyone in Tamriel.”

His smug expression only made me love him more. “Then give me a fortnight. Neloth’s briar heart can wait.”

“Where can we…” I gasped as he buried his face in my neck. Scarcely able to form the word, I said, “Ivarstead?”

“Not enough privacy,” he whispered, his breath tingling the hairs on my head into gooseflesh. “The Retching Netch.”

“Too far.” By the gods, I’d never make it all the way to Solstheim. “Riften.”

He drew back to look in my eyes. “Your housecarl will tell your husband.”

“She won’t if I send her away. Delphine is recruiting Blades. It will be a great honor for Iona.”

“I’d love to read that missive. ‘Dear Delphine, tenacious survivor of the Aldmeri Dominion’s massacre of your brethren: Here’s a dragon hunter to rebuild the ranks of your ancient and illustrious band of lofty do-gooders. Her qualifications are listed thus: She is my sword and my shield, and I need to debauch a Dunmer. Sincerely, the Dragonborn.’

“I think I’m the one who’s going to be debauched.”

He chuckled wickedly. “You can’t even begin to imagine.”

* * *

Read more Skyrim…

Skyrim smut 1: “Come with me to Sovngarde
Skyrim smut 2: “I need another stamina potion”
Skyrim smut 3: “Tickling the angry troll”
Skyrim smut 4: “The Dunmer of Debauchery”
Skyrim smut 5: “A Tsunny Day in Shor’s Realm”
Skyrim smut 6: “Return to Solitude”

How I left my husband for a guy with pointy ears

* * *

~ J.L. Hilton

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Skyrim smut, part 2: “I need another stamina potion”

* * WARNING: ADULT CONTENT * *

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Tamriel and its inhabitants belong to Bethesda. Zephyr Silvertongue is an original character.

Do not read if you are easily offended by fanfiction, erotica, witty banter, a housecarl who really knows how to hammer his Thane’s anvil, or an Imperial Dragonborn with a couple of tasty boiled creme treats.

This is a sequel of sorts to my previous Skyrim smut, “Come with me to Sovngarde,” and a prelude to “Tickling the angry troll,” which features a lot more Teldryn Sero.

2,000 words.

– J.L. Hilton

* * *

“I NEED ANOTHER STAMINA POTION”

“Have you finished your bath, my Thane?” My housecarl waited as I wrapped a robe around my naked body.

“Yes, Argis, I have. You may empty the water and put the tub away.”

“Your hireling has asked me to move it to the alchemy room so he might bathe.”

“He can use it here.” I gestured to the large common area between my bedroom and the servant’s quarters. I had no idea what the original purpose of the chamber had been when the ancient Dwemer built Vlindrel Hall, but it now served as kitchen, study and storage. “It’s still warm near the cook fire.”

“I told him already, my Thane. But he wants fresh water.”

“So, give it to him.”

“And privacy.”

Curious fellow, the Dunmer. I’d yet to get a good look at his face, though we’d traveled together for months, finding the Black Books, assisting the residents of Raven Rock, and undoing the treachery of Miraak. Then we’d journeyed across the length of Skyrim to the stone city of Markarth. The wizard Neloth wanted a fresh briar heart, and what better place to find one than the Reach? But before venturing out to seek the Forsworn, I wanted to bathe, eat, drink and rest well, for the first time in weeks.

“Do whatever he asks, Argis. Obey him as you would obey me.”

“Yes, my Thane.”

I intended to know the spellsword a bit better, and bathing near my bed would have been ideal for that purpose. My husband, Stenvar, took care of my needs at home in Solitude, but much time had passed since my last visit to Proudspire Manor. Special services were often provided by mercenaries, along with swordsmanship. Though, so far, I’d not asked nor had the dark elf offered.

I hadn’t expected to travel with Teldryn Sero for so long, but assumed he’d die or abandon me in a draugr crypt, ash spawn attack or dragon’s fire before I left Solstheim. Perhaps he’d expected the same of me, until I’d shown myself a true Dragonborn. Stenvar had barely survived the island, despite his considerable skills. The experience had convinced my husband to retire and take up full-time fatherhood, caring for the orphans we’d found on the streets of Whiterun and Windhelm, and spending the piles of septims we’d collected on our previous adventures.

Teldryn Sero, whoever he was, had proven to be a remarkably capable match for my ever-increasing powers. With a wry wit, quiet feet, deadly blade, and powerful arsenal of battle magic, and despite the differences in our backgrounds, his fighting style complemented mine in every way. We trampled our enemies like a team of chariot horses, working in perfect unison. An affable traveling companion, thus far we’d shared similar opinions on topics ranging from vampires to Whiterun to the conjuration of atronachs. I found all of these qualities alluring, though I’d never been attracted to a Dunmer before.

I busied myself while Argis emptied and moved the large brass tub. I read scrolls, journals and books, and sorted the new weapons, staffs, gems and jewelry I’d acquired. I took quill, paper and ink and wrote a letter to my husband, which I would have Argis send by courier in the morning.

After my housecarl completed his tasks and returned to the kitchen, I sneaked into the main hall and approached the alchemy alcove near the front of the house. There were no doors in the entire dwelling, only those at the front entrance. My view thus unhindered, I could see the tub, and the back of Teldryn’s head, shaved but for a stripe of dark hair running down the middle. For once, he wasn’t wearing his chitin helmet and goggles. They lay on the floor, along with the red scarf with which he typically covered his face. I crept closer without making a sound.

“Good evening, outlander.”

I straightened from my stealthy crouch. “I don’t deserve to lead the Thieves Guild. How did you know I was there?”

“By the silence. I’ve heard you moving about for the past hour, and then… nothing. That you were up to some nefarious purpose seemed the obvious explanation.”

“How did you know I hadn’t fallen asleep?”

“I didn’t hear you climb into bed.”

“You’re a clever one.” I lowered my voice to a seductive purr. “But my purpose isn’t nefarious.”

I took a step closer and could see the ashen tip of his left ear ending in a long point, the corner of his eye, and a streak of purple over his high cheekbone. A scar? A tattoo?

“That’s far enough, please.”

His lean, well-muscled arm rested along the rim of the tub and blocked my view of anything else, so I amused myself counting the freckles, darker gray on gray skin, that dotted his triceps and forearm.

“Why are you so mysterious, dark elf? Are you disfigured? Is that why you hide your face?”

“I assure you, I am the handsomest of Dunmer.”

I’d become quite familiar with Teldryn’s sarcasm. “That’s not saying much,” I quipped in return.

He rewarded me with his musical laughter. “Good night, Dovahkiin.”

“I would sleep better with someone beside me.”

“I believe you mean someone inside you. You should speak to your housecarl. He is dying to be of assistance to you in that regard. I can see it in his face. And his pants. I’m sure he’ll do anything you ask.”

“But you won’t?”

“I am not your servant nor your plaything. If I am ever in your bed, it will not be because you ordered me to be there, nor because you paid me to be there. And it will never be because you needed to scratch an itch and I happened to be the nearest branch.”

The arrogant bastard, to refuse the Dragonborn AND an agent of Dibella, goddess of passion, anointed in the temple of this very city. He didn’t know what he was missing. I imagined myself taking the insolent dark elf by his bristle of black hair and dragging him back to my bed chamber, tying him down and enchanting his staff with every trick I knew. I felt flushed and damp at the thought. I could do it, but I wouldn’t. Dibella’s gifts could only be shared with the willing.

“You are not so insignificant to me.”

“Good to know.” He waved me away. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Aching and angry as if I’d been hit by a frost-enchanted warhammer, I returned to my room, blew out the candles, climbed under the covers and closed my eyes, alone. Within a quarter hour of sleepless seething, I heard Argis approach, noisy as peddler’s cart in his steel armor.

“Is there anything I can do for you, my Thane?” His low, husky voice bespoke the release of my tensions.

“I cannot sleep.”

Dying light from the kitchen fire outlined the Nord’s hulking silhouette at my bedside. “The dark elf is a fool.”

No. In my experience, Teldryn Sero was anything but a fool. Though I felt like one, myself. No one had ever refused me before. To be denied by some dusty vagabond, wearing armor made from animal shell. If he thought he was too good to have his precious elven blade honed by Imperial lips, to Oblivion with him.

I rolled over, leaning on my shield arm. My robe dropped from my shoulder and revealed the curve of one breast, golden as an apple in the firelight.

“Pretend I’m not your Thane, and you are not my housecarl. If I am just a woman, and you are just a man, would you bed me?”

“I would. By the Divines, of course I would.”

I threw back the covers. When I opened my robe and my knees, he groaned at the invitation. Fumbling with the buckles on his armor, he practically ripped the metal pieces off of his body before he fell on me and buried his face between my legs.

Where my older and more experienced husband would have started at my toes and worked his way up each leg, then teased each breast to make the honey drip from my beehive before he lapped it up, Argis used a power attack in place of skill. Riding a sabre cat bareback up the Seven Thousand Steps of High Hrothgar might come close to the sensation of his unshaven mouth devouring me, licking, biting and sucking until his tongue triggered the little pressure plate of pleasure just above my treasure vault. I cried out and clenched his golden-red hair with both hands while he triggered it again and again.

He moved to my breasts like a starving boy eating boiled cream treats. When he put his lips to mine, I could smell myself on his beard, taste myself on his probing tongue. His woolly chest and thighs felt like soft moss over granite boulders. The musk of ale, sweat and steel surrounded me, the perfume of every male Nord. His equipment wasn’t as large as Stenvar’s, but adequate to the task.

I wrapped my legs around him, but he would not invade the castle so freely offered. Instead, he rolled me over on my hands and knees, rubbing his cock against my backside, his hands caressing every inch of me. I spread my knees further apart and tried to impale myself upon his sword.

“Sanguine’s balls, take me now!”

He groaned again, as if struggling under some great burden. “I … I would ask…”

“Yes?”

His voice sounded strained. “To speak your name, my Thane.”

“Then speak it.” I didn’t give a skeever’s tail if he called me General Tullius.

Argis plunged into my damp cave, moaning, “Zephyr” and “Dragonborn,” at intervals. He clutched a cluster of braids and held my hair like reins as he slammed into me, again and again, grunting with each thrust.

I let him know how much he pleased me, encouraging him, crying out and begging for more. It felt exquisite to be taken so fiercely, wanted so intensely. I only wished he would pet my Khajiit while he hammered my anvil, and bring my frenzy to another climax.

I grasped his arm and twisted my body, pulling him off-balance and shoving him onto his back. I had the blood and soul of a dragon to make me strong. He didn’t seem to mind, though he struggled enough to make the victory sweet. I pinned his wrists and rode him for my own enjoyment, galloping as if I were pursued by the hoards of Oblivion. My breasts bounced against his chest.

“I need…” He gasped. “Another stamina potion.”

I slowed my pace but did not relent. I squeezed him between the walls of my secret passage and moved my hips like a tavern dancer.

“Another?” I teased, gripping his chin and looking into his good eye. “How many did you take before you came to me, Argis?”

“Three,” he growled through gritted teeth.

I let him roll me onto my back, his blade still buried to the hilt. He kissed me, pinching my nipples between his rough fingers and sending jolts of painful pleasure through me. I writhed under him and climbed my peak, even as I perceived the tension in him, nearing his own release. When I felt the throb of his cock, Dibella blessed me with her gift, again, and I moaned. He thrust, cried out and shivered as he joined me in ecstasy.

When the wave had crashed and our passions ebbed, he collapsed, his head falling to my bosom. I stroked his hair while he caught his breath.

“Thank you, Argis.”

“I’m honored, my Thane. Are you pleased?”

“Yes.”

He lifted his head. “May I please you again?”

“In the morning. You can sleep here tonight.”

Wrapped protectively around my back, he soon snored softly in my ear. But that was not the reason why I couldn’t sleep.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Teldryn Sero.

* * *

Read more Skyrim…

Skyrim smut 1: “Come with me to Sovngarde
Skyrim smut 2: “I need another stamina potion”
Skyrim smut 3: “Tickling the angry troll”
Skyrim smut 4: “The Dunmer of Debauchery”
Skyrim smut 5: “A Tsunny Day in Shor’s Realm”
Skyrim smut 6: “Return to Solitude”

How I left my husband for a man with pointy ears

* * *

~ J.L. Hilton

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Dirk Gently and the short, quirky science fiction show that didn’t suck

This post originally appeared February 23, 2014, on the Contact – Infinite Futures SF blog.

I heard the words, “the fundamental interconnectedness of all things,” while hunched over my laptop at the dining table. I couldn’t see the TV but I could see my husband.

“Is that Dirk Gently?” I asked.

Voice infused with incredulity, he said, “How did you know?”

He had that look on his face. I’ve seen it several times before, after I’ve just said something uncanny.

“I read the books when I was in college.” Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (1987) and The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul (1988) by Douglas Adams — better known for the inappropriately-named Hitchhiker’s Guide Trilogy.

“But it’s only the first minute of the show!”

“Is it on Hulu?”

“Amazon Prime.” The words came out in a kind of sigh or relief. I wasn’t psychic after all, and he didn’t need to reassess his atheism before the impending apocalypse.

While I enjoyed the adventures of Dirk Gently much more than those of interstellar hitch-hiker Arthur Dent, some twenty years later I couldn’t recall exactly what those adventures entailed. A quick check of Wikipedia reminded me that Dirk was a “holistic detective” who refused to believe he was psychic, insisting that he merely had a “depressingly accurate knack for making wild assumptions.” The depressing part being that he couldn’t use his knack to win money on horses. I could empathize.

The Dirk Gently TV series was a comedy detective drama with science fiction elements such as artificial intelligence and time travel. An hour-long pilot episode loosely based on the 1987 novel was broadcast on BBC Four in December 2010 and watched by 1.1 million viewers. Three one-hour episodes were subsequently commissioned in March 2011 and broadcast in March 2012.

Sadly, the show ended there. It’s well worth watching, as I discovered after leaving my laptop and joining my husband. The obvious standard for comparison and contrast was Doctor Who. Like the Doctor, the detective was sharp of mind and tongue, quirky and British. Unlike the Doctor, he’s a self-centered anti-hero, loathed by everyone around him except his stalwart friend, the kind-hearted and loyal Richard MacDuff.

One of the show’s writers, Matt Jones, also wrote episodes of Doctor Who and TorchwoodDirk Gently writer and producer Howard Overman also wrote for the show Merlin, and is the creator of the science fiction comedy-drama Misfits, comedy-drama police procedural Vexed, and fantasy-adventure Atlantis.

Though the books were written over twenty years ago, the TV program updated Dirk and incorporated modern technology. Which got me to wondering: How much should an adaptation stick to its source material? I thoroughly enjoyed Dirk Gently on the small screen, but was that a product of my inability to recall details from the books, and thus I viewed the show with unbiased eyes?

Fans with better memories have said the usual “it wasn’t as good as the book.” Is anything ever as good as the book? And how much does that affect your enjoyment of a television series or movie?

~ J.L. Hilton

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Skyrim shenanigans and Game of Thrones geekery, plus interviews with some really cool people

It’s been a few months since my last update, and in that time I’ve attended the Geek Gala, taken my family to Disney World, suffered a long spell of bronchitis, and dealt with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year and Valentine’s Day.

Necklace inspired by the GAME OF THRONES clockwork intro (click to enlarge)

I am still working on the third book in the Stellarnet Series, tentative title Stellarnet Mother, but haven’t had much time to write. Or, to be accurate, haven’t made much time to write, because I have a day job and writing in addition to that would mean shutting out my family and friends, giving up jewelry, not seeing any movies or TV shows, not doing any volunteer work, not going to any cool stuff like a Tim Burton burlesque show, not playing Skyrim (essential as breathing) and not sleeping. Basically, the way I spent 2012, the year I wrote and edited Stellarnet Prince. It took a toll on my mental and physical health, and I’m not going to do that again.

In manageable, bite-sized increments, I’ve done a little writing for CharlotteGeeks.com, wherein I interviewed Jeremy Whitley about his new My Little Pony comic and sexism in SF/F, Richard Dansky about video game writing and his favorite monsters, and William Harms about his new Shotgun Wedding comic and the best weapons for zombie defense.

I’ve indulged in some fandom, making a Stark direwolf sigil, drawn by hand and acid-etched, polished and hammered on my little jeweler’s anvil. I also made a necklace (above) inspired by the Game of Thrones TV intro, something I’ve been wanting to do since I saw the first episode and the clockwork map.

I bought a new gaming PC so I could play all of The Elder Scrolls games. For fun, I performed a little digital magic and made fan art of Teldryn Sero, the “best swordsman in all Morrowind… for the right price.” Then I made some Honningbrew Mead jewelry inspired by the doomed brewery in Whiterun.

I have an unholy obsession with dark elves…

What’ve you been up to?

~ J.L. Hilton

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A writer’s — and jewelry maker’s — desk

My kids were looking at my desk and my 13yo said, “I suppose this is what you consider organized?”

“Yes. I know exactly where everything is,” I replied. I turned my back to the desk and closed my eyes. “Go ahead, name any object.”

She and her 9-year-old sister named several things. I could place them all. “The small anvil is on the pot-holder on the right side of the desk, next to the lamp… That necklace is hanging in the middle of the corkboard…”

They would have gone on playing the “game” all day, I think. I just wish I knew how I could remember all of that, and yet not know where I took off my shoes or left my keys!

~ J.L. Hilton

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Happy Valentine’s Day from Duin, J’ni and Belloc

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JUNK HEAD 1: Into the dystopian rabbit hole


Takahide Hori spent four years making the stop-action 30-minute movie Junk Head 1 in his spare time. In his futuristic take on Alice in Wonderland, we follow an unnamed protagonist down, down, down, into the bowels of a futuristic hellscape of nightmares and dark humor where Earth has become a dytopian industrial labyrinth inhabited by cyborgs (the humans above) and clones (the monsters below).

The story is fascinating, disturbing, entertaining and visually stunning. Takahide Hori delivers a quality mix of Harryhausen, Tim Burton, and a Tool music video. And, remember, he did it alone. In his spare time.

Now he’s looking to raise $100,000 on Indiegogo so he can quit his white-collar job and devote himself full-time to creating Junk Head 2. Can you spare $5 to make a SF brother’s dream come true? And benefit all of us in the process? I’d love to see a sequel.

The Escapist reports that if he doesn’t raise the funds, he’ll quit making movies because it’s too stressful to try and work a full-time job and animate on the side. I totally get that. I can’t afford to write full-time, and trying to squeeze a major project – Stellarnet Prince – into my “spare time” just about killed me in 2012. Which is why it’s taking me so long to finish the next book in the series.

I think it would be a crying shame if the incredibly talented Takahide Hori didn’t continue storytelling. This video is wonderful.

Check out Junk Head 1 in its entirety, with English subtitles.

WARNING: Dark, graphic and violent, possibly NSFW. Review before showing to your children.

 

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To boldly smooch where we haven’t smooched before

This post originally appeared December 1, 2013, on the Contact – Infinite Futures SF blog.

We recently passed the 45th anniversary of the first scripted interracial kiss between a white man and a black woman on American television in the Star Trek episode “Plato’s Stepchildren.” The episode aired to U.S. audiences on November 22, 1968.

The kiss between Uhura and Kirk wasn’t the first interracial kiss to ever appear on TV. The British soap opera Emergency – Ward 10 aired the first TV kiss between black and white actors in 1964. On The Wild Wild West, James T. West (Robert Conrad) and Princess Ching Ling (Pilar Seurat), kissed on the episode “The Night the Dragon Screamed,” aired in January 1966. Star Trek actually did its first interracial kiss earlier, in the episode “Space Seed,” aired February 16, 1967, when Madlyn Rhue (Lieutenant Marla McGivers), a white woman, kissed Ricardo Montalban (Khan Noonien Singh), of Hispanic heritage. (Source: Wikipedia)

J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y is the only negative feeling I have about this black actor kissing a white actress.

The Uhura/Kirk kiss is the one everyone remembers because it occurred during the Civil Rights Movement, in the wake of Loving v. Virginia, a landmark civil rights decision of the U.S. Supreme Court that invalidated laws prohibiting interracial marriage.

As science fiction so often does, Star Trek challenged the United States to boldly go in a new direction. Forty-five years later, it seems like SF/SFR fans have a harder time with the idea of human/alien romance than with the idea of human/human romance of any color.

There’s been a lot of discussion the past couple years about the difficulty readers have relating to alien lovers. Vampires, angels, werewolves and ghosts, no problem, but heck no lizard skin or tentacles.

Are readers ready for more interspecies SF romance?

Personally, I would much rather go on a date with Ambassador G’kar or Gul Dukat than Tom Hiddleston or Matt Damon. As I’ve said before, I think it goes back to my favorite fairy tale, Beauty and the Beast. When you look like a beast, you must earn love with your personality – bravery, wit, charisma, humor, actions – and not just your appearance. When someone has a monstrous or alien visage, we are forced to see his true self without the distraction of superficial attractiveness. When someone is bold, suave, noble, eloquent, shy or lonely, it makes his personality and emotion even more vivid in stark contrast to the inhuman appearance.

~ J.L. Hilton

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