Portions of this post originally appeared October 7, 2014, on the Contact – Infinite Futures SF blog.
Science fiction and fantasy do not lack heroic women. Uhura, Ripley, Sarah Connor, Xena, Princess Leia, Elizabeth Swann, Brienne of Tarth, Katniss, Hermione Granger, Susan Ivanova, Beverly Crusher, Zoe Washburne, Arwen, Éowyn, Laura Roslin, Merida, and Lois Lane, just to name a few.
The original version of the shirt...
I believe these genres are at their best when they are used for exploring possibilities and questioning our social, moral and scientific limitations.
Unfortunately, they can also be used to promote the status quo. Check out:
Items like these are based on the idea that women and girls aren’t heroic, they’re the hero’s reward. Some people dismiss these types of messages as harmless because characters, comics, books and movies aren’t real. But the sentiment exists in the real world, too. Over a year ago, I wrote about the heroism book I found in a children’s toy store, with zero women in its pages.
... and my alternate version.
Women are so much more than prizes to be won or objects to be “scored.” But this one-sided viewpoint will remain very real, so long as our stories and T-shirts teach these messages.
I value heroism in all genders, which is why I loved the recent ABC show The Quest. Unlike most reality TV, it didn’t foster backstabbing, pettiness and superficial qualities, but instead focused on selflessness, hard work and heroism.
The program featured seven women and five men who were put into a fantasy setting and tasked with rescuing a kingdom. The Quest proved that women could indeed be physically successful in battle, riding horses and using weapons. But completing a quest and being a hero isn’t just about brute strength. Heroism required other qualities such as tenacity, heart, sacrifice, character and integrity, as well as dexterity, intelligence, wisdom and charisma (though any RPG player could have told you that).
What qualities do you think are heroic? Who are some of your favorite science fiction, fantasy and comic book heroes? Who are some of your real-life heroes?
~ J.L. Hilton
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I recently finished Dishonored (in high chaos) and let me start by saying it was everything Thief should have been.
I played Thief first, despite being released about a year and a half after Dishonored. As similar as the two games are, considering that Dishonored makes no secret of being inspired by the Thief franchise, I couldn’t help making comparisons while I played.
The worlds of Dishonored and Thief exist in vaguely-Victorian, plague-ridden dystopias. Thief had the mysterious, magical old Queen of Beggars, evil bald Baron Northcrest, brothel madame Xiao Xiao, genius inventor Ector, and underworld connection Basso. Dishonored had mysterious, magical old Granny Rags, the evil bald Lord Regent, brothel madame Prudence, genius inventor Piero, and underworld connection Slackjaw.
Both games antagonize the player with a hostile City Watch. Both feature brothel levels, but considering how much writing, voice acting, motion capture and programming must have gone into Thief‘s House of Blossoms, compared to… er… the REST of the game… somebody at Eidos Montreal is a dirty little perv. Dishonored‘s bath house, the Golden Cat, seemed tame by comparison.
Thief had an asylum level, while Dishonored dropped the idea of a mental institution during development. Which is fine with me. In spite of all the rats, without an asylum Dishonored gave me significantly fewer heebie-jeebies than Thief (or Bioshock). And that’s saying a lot, because I hate rats.
Dishonored never felt boring or repetitive. Well, ok, maybe a wee bit, after the 20th time the guards talked about having “whiskey and cigars tonight.” But it was still 800 times less often than I had to hear about “rolling Polly Adler” while playing Thief. At least I didn’t feel like I spent half the game watching a pair of hands pry open windows, pick locks and grope picture frames.
In Dishonored, the mix of conversation and ambient noises sounded natural. The layout of the city and the various missions didn’t feel restrictive nor confusing. I never once threw the PS3 controller across the room out of frustration with awkward game mechanics. The large-handed, tiny-headed characters were a bit odd, but overall the graphics were lovely. The sun did frequently shine upon Dunwall. Not that I ever had a problem with Thief‘s color palette of gray, dark gray, light gray, slate, ash, charcoal, taupe and olive for it’s cramped city of… The City.
Dishonored was fun. It felt comfortable to play. Though constrained by the parameters of each level, I didn’t feel as restricted as I did playing Thief (or even Hitman, which I never finished). The world of Dishonored felt so rich and fully interactive, I rarely bumped up against the edges or broke immersion. I enjoyed seeing how my choices would affect the progression of the game, how characters reacted to me, and how the final scenes played out. I liked having a range of weapons, intriguing supernatural powers, and useful gadgets. The tools really opened up the game, allowing new and unusual ways to solve problems and experience the missions. Unlike Thief, where I felt as if I struggled to succeed in spite of the tools at Garrett’s disposal and my actions had little real impact on the course of the adventure.
My biggest complaint about Dishonored is that I didn’t care enough about the main character, Corvo Attano, bodyguard to the Empress. Yes, it’s a first-person game, so all we see of him are his hands and the inside of his mask. But Thief was a first-person game, too, and we still saw Garrett in cutscenes, and heard his voice in his thoughts. I felt closer to the clockwork heart in Corvo’s hand, who whispered her plaintive secrets.
I liked Garrett right from the start, and I’ll be honest: He’s sexy. I really didn’t “get” Corvo until late in the game, when certain key pieces of information were revealed (or implied). Perhaps it’s my own fault for not paying attention nor reading every book and note, but I wished I’d known more about Corvo, Emily and the Empress much earlier. It would have changed some of my decisions, but more than that I might have felt more invested in the outcome and engaged by the story.
I plan to play Dishonored again, with the DLC. I can’t say the same for Thief.
~ J.L. Hilton
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This review originally appeared on the Contact – Infinite Futures SF blog on July 15, 2014.
Odd Thomas is a 2013 film released on DVD earlier this year and based on a series of supernatural thrillers by New York Times best selling author Dean Koontz. I watched it the other day on Netflix because the trailers bore some resemblance to John Dies at the End, a 2012 film adaptation of the SF comedy horror book of the same name by Cracked writer David Wong.
John Dies at the End had a kind of ridiculous Beavis and Butthead meets Twilight Zone storyline, or as director Don Coscarelli said, “a mash-up of Douglas Adams and Stephen King.” But, I didn’t find anything light-hearted, clever or funny about the plodding, predictable plot of Odd Thomas, punctuated by pointless “witty banter” (I use air quotes here in sarcasm).
While the silvery, stringy antagonists of Odd Thomas seem like something out of science fiction, they’re not. They’re a unique take on demons, and the evil in the movie is blamed on Satanism, not science. Which made me wonder if Odd – with his special powers and savior status – was intentionally one letter away from “G-odd”?
I prefer sci-fi to supernatural, but what really bothers me about this movie is that every woman in the film is either scantily clad or providing sex, or both.
Even Viola (Gugu Mbatha-Raw), a maternal figure raising two girls on her own, is wearing something that looks like she’s just a pair of melons in a string bag. When she’s not wearing Daisy Duke shorts or just underwear, Stormy’s shirt never covers her belly button.
I’m not a prude, and I don’t mind women wearing whatever they want to wear and feeling happy with their bodies. But these aren’t women wearing what they chose to wear. These are actresses wearing what was chosen for them. Every aspect of a movie production happens for a reason, and when juxtaposed with Odd’s conservative attire, it felt like blatant objectification.
The film takes place in a warm climate, but then why is Odd in a long-sleeved black shirt and long pants while cooking over a hot grill, on a bright sunny day? Willem Dafoe goes shirtless, but I wouldn’t say he’s enough to balance the cast of busty eye candy, in spite of his lothario role in The Night and the Moment.
From the spirit of a raped and murdered girl in the opening scene, to the girls (not boys) being raised by Viola, to Odd’s female friends, the females in the movie are not there to be equal agents, they are there to be helpless and in the sort of peril from which only Odd can possibly rescue them — though he fails to do so, more than once. When he doesn’t fail, of course, is when it’s his one MALE friend (Dafoe) on the line.
There is very truly a refrigerator in the movie, full of body parts, and I was surprised the dead women (yes, sorry, spoilers, there’s more than one) didn’t end up stuffed in it.
Odd Thomas seemed to be Ghost Whisperer for men, though not interesting enough to keep my husband from falling asleep halfway through. I think I would have been better off sleeping through it, too.
Have you seen Odd Thomas? Read the books? I think I might have appreciated it more if I’d read the books, because I might have cared about the characters or understood Odd’s fashion choices. But a movie really should stand on its own, shouldn’t it?
~ J.L. Hilton
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Last weekend, I joined the Temporal Engineering Alliance (TEA) as Port Raleigh’s aide-de-aether, otherwise known as social media assistant for ConTemporal.
In this industrious capacity, I met distinguished inventors, steamstresses, storytellers, troll hunters, melodians, haberdashers, automatons, armorers, leatherworkers, ladies and gentlemen at the third annual convergence of time streams and intersecting realities in Raleigh, North Carolina.
Some illustrative tintypes for your perusal:
Photos by J.L. Hilton
Color images and additional pictures here and here
This post originally appeared May 16, 2014, on the Contact – Infinite Futures SF blog.
I’ve loved science fiction and fantasy my whole life. I saw the first STAR WARS in the 70s, played with the original Battlestar Galactica toys, wrote a fan letter to “Buck Rogers” Gil Gerard, and never missed a TWILIGHT ZONE or STAR TREK rerun. Some of my favorite movies were THE TIME MACHINE (1960), TIME AFTER TIME (1979), THE LAST UNICORN, THE HOBBIT cartoon by Rankin & Bass, and all the Disney fairy tales. I can’t say I “loved” ALIEN but my dad let me watch it at age 9. He made me cover my eyes during the stomach part, but I saw all the rest!
There are a million reasons to love SF/F — robots, unicorns, social commentary, lasers, magic, good triumphing over evil, just to name a few — but a huge reason to love it is what the genres taught me about love. Short, tall, fat, thin, human, alien, pointy-eared, green, blue or hairy, anyone can be a sexual creature and everyone wants romance.
Our society has a very insidious and destructive way of constantly telling us that we can’t be loved unless we’re attractive enough. And by “attractive” they mean light-skinned, tall, young, thin and hairless — or at least hairless in all the “correct” places, but heaven forbid on the head.
This ideal of beauty is not MY ideal.
Thorin Oakenshield and Tyrion Lannister have proven that you don’t have to be tall to be hot. Brainy beauty falls in love with the big, hairy Beast in Disney’s version of the tale. Speckle-skinned G’kar flies off into the universe with telepath Lita, promising to push the limits of her “pleasure threshold” in BABYLON 5. Bald, blue Zhaan of FARSCAPE is a radiant spiritual and sensual being. STAR TREK? One word: Klingons. Strong, bold warrior women like Xena and FIREFLY’s Zoe aren’t “scaring off” men. Zula of CONAN THE DESTROYER isn’t bothered by slut shaming — if she wants a man she will “grab him and take him.” Hellboy might be a giant snarky red demon dude with a tail, horns and red skin, but I still cry when … (SPOILERS)
Could SF/F go further in representing a variety of races, genders, relationships and body types? YES. But at least it serves up a much greater range of romance than mainstream Hollywood culture. Especially if you do more than scratch the surface or watch the popular movies, but dig deeper into lesser-known authors, small press, independent studios, etc.
A couple more of my favorite stories are Desert Blade by Ella Drake and the Tales of the Underlight series by Jax Garren, wherein disfigured — or differently figured — characters find true love. What are some of your favorites?
~ J.L. Hilton
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The Divines have blessed a total of 30 female marriage candidates and 37 male marriage candidates in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim and official expansions.
You can marry anyone regardless of your Dragonborn’s race or gender, so long as you’ve fulfilled whatever conditions make them your friend. Housecarls will be wiling to wed you as soon as they enter your service, mercenaries must be hired first, and other candidates have fetch quests or other requirements.
You’ll also need to exhaust the dialog options with Maramal, the priest in the Temple of Mara in Riften, and be wearing an amulet of Mara in order to initiate a marriage proposal. It does not have to be an amulet purchased from Maramal, any amulet of Mara will do. There’s a free one in a tent along the shoreline east of Dawnstar. Others appear at random throughout the game.
Skyrim allows one marriage and only one per Dragonborn, even if your spouse is killed — unless you use mods or console commands. There’s a persistent rumor that players can kill their spouses and remarry, but I suspect that’s a feature added by the Unofficial Skyrim Patch that PC players frequently download, or possibly a very early gameplay bug that was patched in subsequent updates, so don’t assume it will work for you. Choose your spouse wisely.
There’s only one Altmer and one Redguard, both female, who can be married. The Hearthfire DLC adds a second Redguard female. There are no Bosmer (wood elves) or Khajiit (cat people) to marry, at all, male or female, unless using mods or console commands.
After the wedding, all male and female spouses will give you a homecooked meal and 100 septims a day. You can live in your spouse’s home or move them into one of your homes, though some spouses may leave — such as Camilla taking over her brother’s shop if he dies or Ysolda taking over the Bannered Mare if Hulda dies. I’ve also read that only spouses from the Dragonborn DLC can be moved to Severin Manor on Solstheim, but I don’t have confirmation of this.
The main differences between spouses, other than appearance and voice, are where they live, whether or not they can be followers, and how likely they are to be killed. I recommend marrying someone who is a follower, even if you don’t take them with you on adventures, because you can access their inventory and give them weapons, armor, staffs, enchanted items and health potions, to help keep them alive. Towns and Hearthfire homes do get attacked, and death does happen, unless your spouse is one of the few programmed “essential,” or unless you’re using mods and console commands.
The Companions are a warrior guild in Whiterun and for many players the first faction of friends and potential marriage candidates you’ll meet. Some are both teachers and followers, which allows you to buy skill training and then access their inventory and take back the gold, essentially getting training — and level ups — for free.
All live in Jorrvaskr, where you can live anyway if you join the guild, so you won’t gain additional housing through marriage. Several players have also reported glitches in which steward or married Companions return to Jorrvaskr instead of living in the Dragonborn’s home.
Aela is Supreme Werewolf Queen of Side-Boob, which makes her almost as popular a wife choice as cranky Lydia. Aela and Njada are both Nords and trainers, in archery and blocking respectively. Ria is an Imperial. All three are skilled warrior women and possible followers, but Aela’s level cap is 50, while the others max out at 25.
Between Vilkas’ tear-streaked emo eyeliner and Farkas’ dumb-yet-endearing-jockishness, the Brothers Werewolf are popular husbands.
Vilkas is a two-handed trainer, follower, spouse and steward. Farkas is a heavy armor trainer, follower and spouse. Both are level capped at 50. Torvar is a potential follower and spouse who is a surly drunk. He’s capped at 25.
All three are Nords. There’s also a Dark Elf in the Companions who can be married, but I’ve listed him with the Dunmer, below.
HOUSECARLS
All housecarls are Nords, except Rayya who’s a Redguard. All begin with the same armor, weapons and stats, except Valdimar who is a spellsword, while the rest are classified as warriors. They live in houses that belong to you, so you won’t get a bonus house through marriage.
All are possible spouses, stewards and followers who will defend you unto death. They are all level capped at 50, so should be able to stick with you through most of the game, assuming you continue to improve their weapons, armor and other gear. Don’t forget to put health potions in their inventories.
From left to right: Lydia (Breezehome in Whiterun), Iona (Honeyside in Riften), Jordis (Proudspire Manor in Solitude). and Rayya (Lakeview Manor, added by the Hearthfire expansion).
The basic game gives us Argis the Bulwark (Vlindrel Hall in Markarth) and Calder with the groovy mutton chops (Hjerim in Windhelm). Hearthfire evens up the score with two more male housecarls — Valdimar (Windstad Manor) and Gregor (Heljarchen Hall).
DUNMER
There are several gray-skinned Dunmer to marry, perhaps because of the popularity of Morrowind?
Brelyna Maryon is an apprentice mage at the College of Winterhold (no bonus house there) and she can also be a follower, level cap 30.
Dravynea the Stoneweaver is an Expert Alteration trainer who works in the Steamscorch Mine and lives in Braidwood Inn in Kynesgrove.
Jenassa is a mercenary follower living in the Drunken Huntsman, level cap 40.
Revyn Sadri is a merchant in Windhelm and a speech skill trainer, but will only marry or train the Dragonborn if you help him with his request to return a stolen ring. If you don’t side with him, it is possible to marry Viola instead (see below).
Romlyn Dreth is a bootlegger with a small home under the city of Riften.
Sondas Drenim is a food vendor at Darkwater Crossing, a mining camp.
Athis is a member of the Companions who can be a follower or spouse, as well as one-handed skill trainer, level capped at 25.
HOTTIES
Anwen (Redguard), Orla (Nord) and Senna (Breton). All of these ladies live in the Temple of Dibella, goddess of love, in Markarth. Note: There’s a reported bug with Orla where she refuses to leave the temple to live in anywhere else.
While not devotees of a love goddess, these three seem to be popular hunky husband choices for their looks, personality and skills.
Marcurio the sassy Imperial mage mercenary can be hired at his residence, the Bee and Barb in Riften, and is level capped at 40.
Onmund is a sweet apprentice at the College of Winterhold who is a potential mage follower (level cap 30) and steward, whose Nord family does not supporting his interest in magic.
Vorstag is a warrior mercenary who can be hired from his residence, the Silverblood Inn in Markarth. He has a sweet disposition while also being a badass fighter, and possesses one of the softer Nord voices in the game.
AND MORE HOTTIES
Camilla is sister to the proprietor of Riverwood Trader and the Imperial creamy center of a love Oreo between Faendal the Bosmer archer and Sven the Nord bard. If you marry her, her “friends” will continue to visit her at your home, wherever you live. She may also return to Riverwood and take over the family business if her brother dies.
Muiri is a Breton alchemy assistant who inherits the Hag’s Cure in Markarth if her employer is killed (and who also has an interesting love life, too, which you will hear about while doing the Dark Brotherhood questline).
Ysolda is an enterprising Nord drug dealer with her own tiny house in Whiterun, who takes over the Bannered Mare if Hulda the innkeeper is killed. She was made “essential” by one of the official updates (which are automatically included in some versions of the game), so cannot die, I assume because of her role in the quest “A Night to Remember.”
Sylgja manages to retain her youthful beauty in spite of being a hard-working Nord miner, and her big bust apparently doesn’t get in the way of swinging a pickaxe all day at Redbelly Mine in Shor’s Stone.
Sorexis an Imperial whose father owns the Winking Skeever in Solitude, involved in a love triangle with Vivienne Onis and Roggvir until the latter was beheaded. After marriage, he may continue flirting with ladies who enter the inn and he hates every home except Proudspire Manor.
Quintusis an Imperial alchemist who takes over the White Phial shop in Windhelm when his employer dies. I don’t know if he qualifies as a hottie (maybe if he lost that hat), but he’s young and seems to be kind.
Wilhelm owns the Vilemyr Inn in Ivarstead. While the Nord cannot be a follower, he possesses pickpocket skill and is marked “essential” so he can never be killed.
Roggi Knot-Beard is a Nord miner in Kynesgrove, drunk and in debt, who can be a potential spouse, steward and follower, though his skills are minimal and his level is capped at 20.
MATURE SPOUSES
If you prefer your spouse to be a little older and wiser, we have…
From left to right: Aeri, Nord owner of Anga’s Mill and her own house. Gilfre, Imperial owner of Mixwater Mill and her own house. Temba, Nord mill owner in Ivarstead. Uthgerd the Unbroken, Nord mercenary, level cap 30, for hire in the Bannered Mare and owner of a decent house in Whiterun.
Ainethach is a prominent Breton who runs the Sanuarach Mine and owns a farmhouse in Karthwasten.
Balimund is a blacksmith and smithing skill trainer with a house and forge in Riften, which he shares with his adopted son Asbjorn Fire-Tamer.
Filnjar is a Nord blacksmith with a house in Shor’s Stone.
Stenvar is a Nord warrior mercenary with a decent sense of humor who may be hired from his home, Candlehearth Hall in Windhelm. He has the same voice as Farkas and Balimund. I married him in my first playthrough. He makes an excellent follower but is capped at level 40 and I had to retire him to Proudspire Manor with our kids sometime between levels 45-50.
ORCS & ARGONIANS
If you like the kind of spouse who has green skin and tusks, we have the orcs or “Orsimer” of Skyrim.
Female orcs: Borgakh the Steel Heart is the daughter of the Chief Larak of the Orc stronghold of Mor Khazgur and a potential follower, level cap 30. Ghorza is a blacksmith and smithing trainer in Markarth, who lives with her brother in Understone Keep.
Male orcs: Gat Gro-Shargakh is a miner who lives in Kolskeggr Mine, east of Markarth. Moth gro-Bagol is Ghorza’s brother and also a blacksmith, working and living in Understone Keep in Markarth. Ghorbash the Iron Hand is an Orsimer living in Dushnikh Yal and is the brother of Chief Burguk. He is a potential follower (capped at level 30), spouse and steward.
Or if that isn’t exotic enough for you, the Argonian spouses…
One lizard lady, Shahvee, and two lizard gentleman, Derkeethus and Scouts-Many-Marshes.
Scouts-Many-Marshes is a light armor trainer but not a potential follower, so you probably can’t retrieve your gold from his inventory after training. He and Shahvee live in the Argonian Assemblage bunkhouse in Windhelm, if you marry and move in with one of them.
If rescued from Darkwater Pass, Derkeethus can be a follower (ranger class, level cap 30 and the only Argonian follower in the game) and potential marriage candidate. After being rescued, he will move back to the small mining camp of Darkwater Crossing and might get killed by Falmer who spawn there.
DRAGONBORN DLC SPOUSES
One male and two female marriage candidates are added by the Dragonborn DLC. All are Nords. From what I’ve read, these are the only spouses who can live with you in Severin Manor, but I’m not sure if they are limited to Solstheim or can move to Skyrim, too.
Halbarn Iron-FurandHilund are residents of Bujold’s Retreat/Thirsk Mead Hall and Morwen has her own home in the Skaal Village. Halbarn and Hilund are level capped at 60, but I’m not sure if any of them can be followers or not.
SPECIAL SPOUSES
These are the final three eligible females, but there’s much more to discuss on the male side. I’ll follow up with that in a sec.
Mjoll the Lioness is a Nord who lives with Aerin in Riften. She is a skilled fighter who can be a follower, and while capped at 40, what makes her special is that she cannot be killed. Even after her quest is finished, she will not die. Keep in mind that wherever she goes, Aerin will follow.
Taarie lives in the Radiant Raiment shop in Solitude, which is pretty special if you decide to move in with her, but what makes her really special is that she is the only Altmer (High Elf) marriage candidate in the game.
Viola is special because she appears to be the only old female marriage candidate, as well as an Imperial living in Windhelm (Ulfric Stormcloak’s city) with a very large home that rivals Hjerim.
THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Omluag is a Breton who lives in the Warrens (basically the homeless shelter) of Markarth.
Odfel is a Nord who shares a small house with an orc and whose claim to fame is a unique pickaxe called Rocksplinter.
Perth is a Breton miner in Soljund’s Sinkhole who looks like he should be following Dorothy and Toto to see the Wizard. He shares a house with Tuthul (who is kind of hot looking and has a cool mohawk, but isn’t a marriage candidate – why?).
Pavo Attius seems to be the best catch of the bunch, since the Imperial owns the Kolskeggr gold mine and a house outside Markarth, but he will remain in miner’s clothes unless you have a PC mod. Forsworn might also invade from time to time and can kill him when you’re not around, unless you move him to another home.
Angrenor Once-Honored is a homeless Nord war veteran who lives on the streets of Windhelm.
Belrand is an old spellsword for hire in the Winking Skeever.
Benor is a Nord thug who lives in Morthal and has been denied a job with the city guards but still lives in the guardhouse anyway. Beat him up to win his heart.
Cosnach is a drunk whose heart can also be won by a brawl. In my experience, he’s a decent follower with some funny dialog about “aiming for the one in the middle” (since he’s drunk, get it?). He lives in the Warrens of Markarth.
Octieve is a retired old Breton veteran who offers some two-handed training. He gambles, drinks, and lives with his grown daughter Evette in Solitude.
VAMPIRE SPOUSES
This section added on June 19, 2026
According to UESP.net the “Gift” quest will not be offered if you are married to any of the following:
DLC and CC spouses are not included in the list of spouses who cannot be given the “Gift,” but I’m not sure if they can be turned into vampires or if it’s just the spouses in the main game.
I WISH I COULD HAVE MARRIED
Blazing badass Teldryn Sero fills all top ten of my list. My heart is forever broken that the Dunmer spellsword can neither marry nor become a steward so we could have at least lived together. It might have been nice to marry Faendal, the sweet Bosmer archer of Riverwood, or black leather clad bad boy Brynjolf of the Thieves Guild.
Really, just about any of the Thieves Guild members would have been acceptable partners. Partners for what, exactly? Yeah, I guess they’re not really the marrying type.
Alas, they are all unavailable, unless you’re rocking a mod on PC. I’ve been playing on PS3.
~ J.L. Hilton
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A few weeks ago I rented THIEF from Redbox and wrote a review based on a few hours of PS3 gameplay. At the time, I thought I was about halfway through, since the main storyline was divided into eight chapters and I’d played up to chapter four.
I rented it again to finish the game and, surprise, there’s also a bunch of side missions. With those and the main story, I ended up spending $12 in total rental fees at $2 a day, though I could have wrapped it up for $6 without the distractions of work, kids, and a cold. I also suffered a setback from the mysterious April Fool’s Day Bug that caused me to lose some of my saved progress.
Through the second half of THIEF, I continued to like Garrett, the snarky anti-hero with a dancer’s body and BDSM suit, and I enjoyed the new missions full of much creepy shit and stealthy snatching. After fiddling with game settings, some of the audio remained a bit weird, but better than before.
I still wasted way too much time bumping into things. Some doors had knobs, many did not. Some windows could be pried open, many could not. Some ledges could be climbed, others not so much. By the time I became familiar with my “focus” ability, the guards’ behavior and the City layout — with its convenient spills of white paint occasionally indicating where to go — the game was almost over.
This is what passes for a map in THIEF. No streets labeled. No indication of where there are passable doors or windows instead of walls. In fact, I sometimes ran into walls where there were no walls drawn. Yay!
“At times, I caught glimpses of the good game that might have been,” said Kirk Hamilton, in his spot-on Kotaku review of THIEF’s disappointments. I hear ya, Kirk. I really, really wanted to love THIEF. I wanted to be all over this game, like cute on a kitten. It’s so many things I love — steampunk, stealth, supernatural, somber scenery, and a sleek, sexy, cynical protagonist.
THIEF felt like it wanted to be so much bigger. I wanted it to be bigger. (That’s what she said.) More characters, more missions, more parkour, more treasures, more puzzles, more chase sequences, more bearded burlesque ladies to rescue, more freedom to roam. I wanted the guards along Glimmer Lane to talk about more than rolling Polly Adler about 800 times.
And more explanations, please!
How did Garrett stay alive, if he was passed out for a year and couldn’t eat?
If the basic premise of the master thief’s personality and conflict with Erin is that he doesn’t like killing people, how come it seemed to be required to get through every mission with a few well-placed headshots and explosive arrows? (Or maybe that’s just me — I like arrows.)
How did the Queen of Beggars know all about the Primal stone fragments?
What was the deal with the obelisks (and the buttons inside of them)?
Was the Baron going to continue running The City or what?
What was Hector going to do with his automaton in Blackmoor?
Why did Hector have one of those Keep-shaped keys in a case in his workshop? Did I miss something to do with that?
Did Vittori’s carnival ever get to leave port?
What about those creepy-ass patients still roaming the asylum?
Was the Gloom gone? (And is Polly Adler spreading around something even worse?)
What about all the Freaks on the loose, and were they still Freaks after… whatever happened to Erin at the end?
Did Garrett actually love Erin at all?
Would Erin ever stop being a whiny PITA?
How did he reassemble the Primal stone if he still had a piece of it in his eye?
Did Basso ever get another bird?
ARRRGH! So many unanswered questions in what had the makings of an excellent story. Perhaps the answers were all there, I just didn’t find them. That I care so much certainly indicates that something in the story hooked me. I believe I could have loved this game the way I love Skyrim, but just didn’t quite get there. So heartbreaking.
~ J.L. Hilton
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THIEF Rating: M for Mature Blood, Nudity, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Use of Drugs and Violence
I prefer rogues. In Skyrim, my Nightingale Dragonborn sneaks and snipes her way through dungeons. My vampire assassin creeps and cut-throats her way across bandit camps. So, when I saw the new Thief reboot, a video game that relies on stealth rather than brute force, I couldn’t wait to try it out.
Some reviews have been positive, but many have criticized the boring and repetitive gameplay, restrictive map layout, technical issues, gray upon gray graphics, and weak, supernatural-driven story.
I rented a copy from Redbox for my PS3. Within a few hours, I’d reached chapter four out of eight chapters. Granted, I didn’t explore to quite the extent that I might if I owned the game, but it certainly didn’t promise the 800+ hours I’ve devoted to Skyrim. For $2.00, though, I received my money’s worth.
I happen to love the color gray. I thought the muted color palette evoked the appropriate mood and environment for a protagonist who lives in the shadows. Not much different from BioShock, or the grim Mystery Case Files hidden object games I enjoy.
The story seemed no more or less interesting than most. You’re a thief in a psuedo-Victorian city creatively named “the City,” where Industrial Era and supernatural forces collide à la Robert Downey Jr’s Sherlock Holmes. Decent dialog featured one of the funniest conversations I’ve ever overheard in a video game. (Click here to listen. NSFW.)
A man in leather who’s good with his hands? Yes, please.
I liked Garrett, the thief of Thief. Having never played the previous games in the franchise, I had no preconceived ideas about his voice acting or anything else. With his arsenal of tricky arrows, he reminded me a bit of Oliver Queen. I even liked most of the secondary characters — Basso, the Queen of Beggars, the Thief-Taker General and Orion.
Erin, however, got on my last nerve. Unreasonable “I can take care of myself” woman-child who then promptly causes problems, gets in trouble and needs rescuing. Dressed like she just came from Hot Topic, with black nail polish and black lipstick, she wears a big dangling necklace that would have been noisy and impractical for a thief. SPOILER: Apparently she grew up in a brothel, so yay, another “rape as backstory for an edgy female character” trope.
Hi, I’m the annoying hot chick who reminds you of all the girls who ever friendzoned you in high school.
As for the game being repetitive, no more or less than most. Yes, it’s a lot of lockpicking, pickpocketing and sneaking. But is that any different from the repetitive dungeon crawling, jumping puzzles or “shoot the shit out of everything” in other games? I enjoy sneaking, stealing and lockpicking, so Thief worked for me, in that aspect. I’ve no complaints there. I just wished I could have carried more arrows.
So here’s where I agree that I despised the restrictive maps. If inFAMOUS or Assassin’s Creed II can have large, fully-interactive cities, where every wall, drainpipe, awning and window may be climbed, why can’t Thief? I spent too much time bumping against the environment, pushing L2 and figuring out where I could or couldn’t go.
Even worse, the audio. People outside of a building sounded like they were right next to me. I might walk through an open doorway (no loading screen) and go from noise to silence very abruptly, or vice versa. Conversations often overlapped so that I couldn’t understand anything. Ambient sounds were inconsistent.
The brothel mission was a voyeur’s dream, and entirely unsuitable for underage players. And that’s coming from me, who lets my teen play Skyrim and watch The Daily Show. So, no, not a game you can play around the kiddies. Unless you want to explain BDSM to your kiddies.
In spite of it’s issues, the game kind of haunts me. It creeped me out and left me feeling a bit icky. The frustrating gameplay and sound editing pissed me off. But Thief has intrigued me enough that I can’t stop thinking about it. I may just have to rent it again and finish the second half.
