All My Favorite Songs are Slow and Sad

I heard this song today and had a lot of feelings, partly from the lyrics and partly from nostalgia. I know it’s a new song but it’s Weezer and it reminds me of the 1990s. Not just from the way it sounds but because it pretty much describes my life when I was in my 20s.

All my favorite songs are slow and sad
All my favorite people make me mad
Everything that feels so good is bad, bad, bad
All my favorite songs are slow and sad

I don’t know what’s wrong with me

I love parties, but I don’t go
Then I feel bad when I stay home
‘Cause I need a friend when I take a walk
I like spacin’ out when somebody talks

I wanna be rich, but I feel guilty
I fall in love with everyone who hates me

All my favorite songs are slow and sad
All my favorite people make me mad, so mad)
Everything that feels so good is bad, bad, bad
All my favorite songs are slow and sad

I don’t know what’s wrong with me

Dreamy morning, walkin’ alone by myself
Thinkin’ about life and tryin’ to find my way through hell
Sometimes I wish I was on an island
But then I’d miss the sound of sirens

All my favorite songs are slow and sad
All my favorite people make me mad, so mad
Everything that feels so good is bad, bad, bad
All my favorite songs are slow and sad

I don’t know what’s wrong with me

~ J.L. Hilton

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Imagine

I doodled this back in 1995 with pen & colored pencils. I still feel this way when “every night I lie in bed, the brightest colors fill my head, a million dreams are keeping me awake…”

~ J.L. Hilton

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The Outer Worlds fanfiction

The game didn’t allow me to romance anyone, but that didn’t stop me from having headcanon. Enjoy the smut, you dirty little cystypigs.

In part one, Felix concocts an awkward plan to seduce the captain but Vicar Max intervenes. This is a little slice of life aboard the Unreliable, with appearances by Parvarti, Nyoka and Ellie, as well. Features: Romantic tension, foul language, sexual references.

In part two, Max reveals his darker desires to the captain when the nature of their relationship changes. This is much more steamy, with explicit sex, language, alcohol use and a touch of BDSM. ADULTS ONLY

My thoughts about the game can be read here and highlights from my playthrough can be seen in THE OUTER WORLDS playlist on my YouTube channel.

You can also read these stories and more on AO3.

Total word count: 2,100 words

Part one:
“Hey, boss, I found some Stimu-Lotion” 

Felix entered the Unreliable’s common room, waving a tube of ointment.

“Hey, boss, I found some Stimu-Lotion. You want a foot rub?”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “Wow. What a master of seduction. So romantic.”

Parvati wrinkled her nose. “I wouldn’t want to touch anybody’s feet. I don’t even like touching my own feet. Feet are gross.”

Felix grinned his big, guileless grin and began filling a bucket with water from the sink. “I’ll wash them first.”

“Settle down, sparky, I haven’t agreed to anything yet.” I threw my last dart and lights danced around the edge of the dartboard.

“You should try washing your own feet,” Ellie told him. “The sock stench from your room is so bad, SAM can’t even get rid of the smell.”

Nyoka retrieved the darts and returned to the toe line. “Maybe you picked up a fungal infection on Monarch. You should try soaking them in vodka.”

“Or seeing a doctor,” said Ellie, who was a doctor.

“Can we stop talking about fungus, please? Thank you.” Felix banged the cupboards open and shut. “Didn’t we find a bunch of those little Rose-ish soaps in an abandoned house in Cascadia? Or was it outside Stellar Bay? Or was it Edgewater?”

Behind Felix’s back, Nyoka shot me a look that said, Are you really going to let him wash your feet?

My gaze roved all over the best parts of that boy’s jumpsuit as he dug around the bottom shelves. I shrugged, Maybe.

She shook her head in a “well, I guess it’s your life” sort of way and took her turn.

Felix turned off the water in the steamy sink and a lock of unruly hair fell across his forehead. He tried several times to blow it away before giving up and combing it back with his hand. Not for the first time, I imagined wrapping my arms around the broad-shouldered anarchist and humping like primals.

The vicar intruded on my unholy thoughts.

“Captain, may we talk?” He closed his book and lowered his cup of tea.

“Right this minute, preacherman?”

“Yes, definitely this minute.” The words dripped with his usual air of self-righteous authority. He beckoned and I followed him down the corridor, away from the others.

“What’s so important?”

“My duty to intervene when I think you’re about to make a mistake.”

Truth be told, I grew tired of his sermons, so I tried to rile him a little. “You jealous, vicar? All those arguments between you and Felix about tossball and philosophy, are they chock full of sexual tension?”

“They are not.”

“I suppose you never noticed his thick, wavy hair and full, kiss-able lips?”

“Captain…”

“Felix has the sort of energy and optimism that jaded assholes like us haven’t had in years. It’s hard to resist.”

“Which is precisely the problem. Do you think it wise to play with the young man’s feelings?”

Sure, I was about eight years and a hibernation older than Felix, but he was still a grown-ass man, not a child. “He isn’t exactly innocent nor fragile. Have you seen him dropkick a raptidon?”

“He admires you and would do anything to please you. It is beneath you to take advantage of your position as his superior and – not to be melodramatic but I believe the word applies here – hero.”

Deep down, I knew the vicar was right. That’s why I hadn’t dragged Felix into my bunk already.

I raised my hands in mock surrender. “Alright, I confess, I do have impure thoughts. But I’ve been on ice for seventy years, can you blame me for wanting a little companionship?”

A look of intense passion flared in his eyes, hot and turbulent as the Emerald Vale volcano. Gave me a shiver at the back of my neck and a few other places. Then he was his usual stony self and I wondered if I’d seen what I thought I saw.

“It is unwise to shit where you eat, Captain.”

“Not your usual sort of platitude but point taken. You learn that one in vicar school?”

“No, I learned it on Tartarus, but the wisdom of the Plan is found everywhere, even in prison.”

“I promise, vicar, I will resist the temptation to ravage my crew. But if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be ravaging myself in my room for a few minutes.”

He didn’t look happy about that, either, but I turned on my heel and left him to stew in his tight-assed disapproval.

* * *

Part two takes place after completing Vicar Max’s companion questline, as seen in my videos:

* * *

Part two:
“I am in desperate need of correction” 

Having the toilet on the ass-end of the ship made sense, I guess, but meant I had to stumble through the full length of the Unreliable to piss in the middle of the night. Of course, it was always night in space, but ADA cycled the ship’s lights up and down to help us sleep. I cursed the lack of a captain’s private bathroom for the umpteenth time while I finished my business and washed my hands.

On the way back to bed, I found Max in the kitchen corner of the common room. His unfamiliar outline startled me for a moment, wearing some old worker gear from Edgewater and not his usual vestments.

“Is SAM cleaning your frock?”

He poured himself a drink. “I won’t be wearing it any longer, so I borrowed these clothes from the storage locker. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. Looks good on you.” His hair was damp and he smelled faintly of Mock-apple and Synthamon. Must’ve showered recently. “You’re handsome when your head’s not up your ass.”

He chuckled without mirth. “Even in my youth, mine was not a face granted the Architect’s perfect symmetry or the beauty of the Golden Ratio.”

“Screw the Architect and the Golden Ratio. You’re easy on the eyes. My eyes, anyway, and I don’t think they were damaged in stasis. I’m a crack shot.”

I could see the bitter smile on his shadowy face. “You do so like to fuck with me, captain. I can’t blame you.”

“I’m not fucking with you. I’m as serious as a Mantiqueen.”

“I thought I annoyed you.”

“You do. I said you were easy on the eyes, not easy to live with.”

“I know. I’ve had to live with myself for years.”

He took a drink. I had my suspicions.

“Is that your usual tea with a splash of Lemon Slapp or are you defiling the sacramental wine?”

“Iceberg Aged Whiskey, actually. Care to join me?”

“Sure.” I stepped closer and his arm brushed mine as he grabbed another glass, set it beside his own and filled both with an aggressive slosh that also splashed the countertop.

I took a sip and felt the bitter warmth burn the back of my tongue. Something about the drink and the dark and his personal demons made me feel truthy.

“I took a shine to you that day in Fallbrook, when I discovered you weren’t the pure and noble vicar you pretended to be.”

“You liked me because I lied to you?”

“Well, no. And don’t fucking lie to me ever again.” I jabbed my finger into his arm for emphasis.

“Aye, aye, captain.”

“I liked you for being a rogue like the rest of us.”

“Yet arrogant enough to think I could tell everyone else how to live their lives when I had no idea how to live my own. I clung to the certainty of the Plan and now I am adrift. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here.”

“Do whatever you want. What makes you happy?”

He sighed. “I wish I knew.”

“When you’re not solving the eternal Equation or marveling at the Fibonacci spiral, what do you want? You. Maximillian DeSoto. Here. On the Unreliable. Right now.”

“I want whiskey.” He emptied his glass and poured himself another.

I laughed. “That’s a start. Anything else?”

His voice murmured low, almost lost in the rumble of the ship’s engine. “I want you.”

The words were like a lens that brought everything into focus. I wanted him, too. Every righteous, annoying, intellectual, confused, computer-hacking, ass-kicking inch of him.

I set down my glass, took his face in my hands and kissed him. He reached under my nightshirt and grabbed my ass. We groped each other awhile, until I dragged him to my room and closed the door behind us.

Max had that seething, volcanic look in his eyes that I’d glimpsed before, but now it was all over his face. He peeled off his shirt and mine while I got on my knees, unzipped his pants and sucked his half-hard dick into my mouth. He hardened to full length, gagging me as I slid my lips from tip to base.

“Use your teeth. I like it rough.” I squeezed his balls in my hand and grazed the taut skin of his shaft with my teeth. He gripped my hair in his fists and groaned with each thrust, until he shoved me away with a harsh, “Stop.”

Sweeping his arm across my desk, he sent game pieces, cups, bottles and ammo clattering to the floor and lifted me onto the desktop. Kissing my neck and my tits, he inserted one finger in me, then two. When his hand grazed my clit, every nerve in my body screamed. I dug my nails into his back and begged him to fuck me.

With a deft flick of his fingers, I came fast and hard with an orgasm that seemed to last ages. Just as it began to fade, he rolled me over and pinned me between him and the cold, hard surface. One hand grasped my neck and the other the curve of my hip.

“Do it.” I spread my legs in anticipation.

But he didn’t move, just held me there. We were both breathing hard. I could feel his chest rising and falling against my back, his breath on my shoulder, and the hard length of his dick against my ass.

Suddenly, he let go and backed away.

I stood up and my legs felt a bit like rubber. “Is something wrong?”

He pulled up his pants and wouldn’t look at me. “No, you’re… marvelous, I… I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“I never asked you for undying love and devotion.”

“Still you have them, all the same, and I am happy to go with you to the ends of Halcyon and beyond. That is not what I meant. I don’t want to… physically… hurt you. I should go before I do something I will deeply regret.”

My heart pounded at both the tenderness of his affection and the allure of his forbidden desires. I said, “I don’t want you to go.”

“But you did finish, yes?”

“I had an orgasm. But you’re not done.” I wrapped my arms around him.

Where moments ago he’d raged with passion, he was now tense and withdrawn. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me.”

“You are very generous.”

“Help me understand, Max.”

“I… I’m sorry, this isn’t easy for me to talk about…”

I laced my fingers around the back of his neck. “Take your time.”

“I want to do things, things that I shouldn’t want to do. Urges that are not the stuff of serial romances.”

“Things like pinning me down and pulling my hair?”

“Yes.” He closed his eyes and visibly swallowed. I couldn’t tell if he was savoring or regretting the images in his mind. Maybe a little of both.

Placing my cheek against his, I spoke softly into his ear. “But what if I want you to bend me over the desk, spank my ass and fuck me hard because I am a wild, rebellious, unrepentant slut?”

His arms clenched me tight, crushing my tits against his chest. “You do conspire with wanted criminals, vandalize corporate property and blaspheme against the sacred Plan.”

So did he, but that wasn’t the point.

I ground against the bulge in his pants. “I am in desperate need of correction.”

“May I twist your arm behind your back?”

“Yes. Do you want me to cry out?”

“Not so loud that it wakes the crew, but that would be… perfect.”

He held me at arm’s length and fixed me with a piercing look. “How will I know if I’ve gone too far? If I let myself go, I… I don’t know what will happen.”

“If I want you to stop, I’ll say ‘vodka.’”

“Vodka?”

“It’s like a code word. You can do whatever you want to me, unless you hear that word. Does that make you more comfortable?”

He nodded. “It does.”

“Good.”

He pressed his forehead to mine. “Thank you for accepting my darker side. No one ever has.”

“Not even you, I suspect.”

“No, not even me.”

* * *

~ J.L. Hilton

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Farewell, Kurt: GREEDFALL comes to an end

I finished GREEDFALL yesterday, after livestreaming daily for the entire month of February. I had no idea the game would take so long to complete. I thought it would take maybe a week or two to play, not 34 livestreams! 

GREEDFALL ranks up there alongside Wolfenstein II and the Dishonored franchise as one of my favorite video games. Not quite as high as God of War, Skyrim or Fallout 4, but very, very high on the list.

The game is played from third-person, front-and-center POV (like Witcher 3). I prefer first-person like Dishonored or at least over-the-shoulder like God of War. But that didn’t stop me from enjoying GREEDFALL‘s excellent story, music, voice acting, graphics and gameplay.

In GREEDFALL, the player assumes the role of De Sardet, a noble of the Merchant Congregation, who travels to the island of Teer Fradee hoping to find a cure for the malichor, a deadly plague spreading on the mainland. Not unlike 18th-century North America, Teer Fradee is frought with conflict between its indigenous people and several factions of colonizers seeking to exploit the land’s resources.

I found the story riveting and looked forward to seeing what would happen next, as if I was watching a TV series and not just playing a game. For me, an engaging story with good characters will keep me playing, regardless of any other shortcomings or game mechanics.

My only major complaint with GREEDFALL is the uneven combat, with most fights being too easy and a few being wildly difficult. I wish there was something in between, so that I had a reason to practice the skills I needed when going up against bosses.

GREEDFALL doesn’t follow the typical fighter-mage-rogue RPG format, which kind of confused me at first. But I grew to appreciate the flexible skill system and unique 17th-century fantasy setting, with both magic and black powder pistols.

There’s a great deal of party management, and story outcomes hinge on gaining the favor of several factions. I also managed to spark one of the most difficult romances in the game.

GREEDFALL is rated “M” for mature audiences, due to blood, language, partial nudity, suggestive themes and violence.

SPOILER ALERT: The video below is from my last livestream. Endings differ depending on the choices you make throughout GREEDFALL, so you may not get the same scenes as I did, but some general plot twists are revealed. 

~ J.L. Hilton

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Try-It Tuesday: CALICO

CALICO is a cheerful, laid back, singleplayer game about running a cat café, baking cat-shaped treats, cuddling animals, and meeting the friendly people of a magical, star-shaped island.

I am loving this game. Similar to Stardew Valley, you make friends with the residents of Heart Village and prepare their favorite foods. You learn recipes, decorate your café and interact with animals, similar to many casual mobile games but without any annoying microtransactions. 

Unlocking new items usually involves running an errand, solving a problem for someone, or buying the items with “beans,” an in-game currency earned via your café. 

But unlike Stardew Valley, there is no combat of any kind. Gameplay revolves around exploration, friendship, collection, problem solving and creativity. 

Players can customize their character’s body type, hair color, clothing and more, and decorate the café with a variety of furniture, cat beds, and other decorations. They can also put tiny hats on the animals or wear the animals on their head like hats.

A magical potion allows you to make any animal large enough to ride or fly around the peaceful watercolor landscape. 

“Baking” in the café is accomplished through mini-games that shrink you down to mouse size. Then you run around the kitchen countertop, heft massive eggs and sugar sacks, and heave them into a big magical bowl, where they – POOF – turn into a cookie or cupcake. 

There is a main storyline in CALICO, with some side quests to unlock recipes and other items, but when the game “ends” you can go on exploring, baking and playing the game. There’s not a ton of content, but for $12 there are several hours of lovely music and creative fun.

CALICO was developed by Peachy Keen Games, a two-person team in Seattle, Washington, and published by Whitethorn Digital in December 2020. It was just released in December 2020 and is available for Switch, PC, Xbox and Mac.

Calico is also available on Switch: https://www.nintendo.com/games/detail/calico-switch/

Xbox One: https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/p/Calico/9N7NH6DCL5LZ

Epic Games Store: https://www.epicgames.com/store/en-US/product/calico/home

Calico official website: https://whitethorndigital.com/calico 

Calico merch: https://www.etsy.com/shop/CalicoGame

~ J.L. Hilton

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Sexual terms or British recipes?

1) Viennese whirl
2) Stiff todger
3) Clangers
4) Baps
5) Frottage
6) Strumpet
7) French tickler
8) Pink wafer
9) Spoom
10) Liverpool tart
11) Spotted dick
12) Eve’s pudding
13) Dollymop
14) Summer cabbage
15) Cream horn
16) Rumpscuttle
17) Knockers
18) Pork pie
19) Viennese oyster
20) Toad in a hole
21) Venus butterfly
22) Eton mess
23) Bird’s custard
24) Loose floozy
25) Dingleberry
26) Fadoodle
27) Victoria sandwich
28) Fig roll
29) Fragrant quim
30) Chelsea buns

Answers: Google them and find out!

~ J.L. Hilton

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Slouching badass, bored ruler

Should I admit I’m actually a fan of a little manspreading? In TV tropes, this classic pose is called the Slouch of Villainy, though not always performed by a bad guy.

Here are some of my favorite examples, from top to bottom: Kratos (God of War), Conan the Barbarian (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Loki (Marvel comics), Thranduil (The Hobbit), Goblin King (David Bowie), and Jarl Siddgeir (Skyrim).

~ J.L. Hilton

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Wasteland karaoke

I recorded these in September using Twitch Sings, which sadly is going away January 1, 2021, so I wanted to save them to YouTube. 

I’m not a great singer but the karaoke livestreams were a lot of fun, especially when I tried to sing Disney villain songs.

I put these tunes together because they remind me of characters and things in Fallout.  

Here’s the track list: 

1) Red Right Hand (with my Hancock inspired lyrics) 

2) Beat on the Brat (in honor of Rose’s weapon “Granny’s Kiss”) 

3) Country Roads (Fallout 76) 

4) Secret Agent Man (Deacon)  

5) Behind Blue Eyes (MacCready)  

6) God’s Gonna Cut You Down (Fiona & Hancock) 

7) Dust in the Wind (Fiona’s ode to the wasteland) 

8) Ain’t No Sunshine When He’s Gone (Hancock, because he always calls me “sunshine”) 

~ J.L. Hilton

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Team Trashcake plays FALL GUYS with Starfish

My friend Starfish from Starfish_central gaming channel, joined IceStella, SulfurFurious and myself for another FALL GUYS multiplayer session back in September.

It’s such a fun game to play with friends!

Starfish had an amazing moment on the Slime Climb, which you can see in the highlight, above, and there are three longer videos from the livestream that I edited and uploaded recently to my YouTube channel.

(I’m loving DaVinci Resolve btw – and it’s free!)

~ J.L. Hilton
aka “Jewelsmith”

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WOLFENSTEIN II: The new addition to my top ten list

My family gave me WOLFENSTEIN II: THE NEW COLOSSUS in 2018 but due to some serious health crises and major life events, I didn’t get a chance to play until 2020. I knew you shot Nazis. That’s all I knew.

I’d played the original Castle Wolfenstein on an Apple ][ computer with a green screen monitor way back in the early 1980s, but never played any other Wolfenstein games before.

I finished WOLFENSTEIN II recently and loved the characters, story, music and game mechanics. I had a challenging, emotional but enjoyable experience enhanced by smooth controls and superb design. It’s up there with God of War, Fallout 4, Skyrim, BioShock and Dishonored on my list of favorites.

I like stealth in video games (usually, not always) and the stealth in WOLFENSTEIN II is really good. Sound effects and audio balance are essential for good stealthing, especially since you can’t see through walls (like Dishonored), you can’t use VATS (like Fallout 3 or Fallout 4) and you don’t even get any little red dots on a compass. WOLFENSTEIN II relies entirely upon your powers of listening, observation and timing.

The AI is not perfect but its the best I’ve ever seen in a video game. NPC’s don’t just patrol in a set pattern or stay in one spot, their behavior changes in response to your actions. They WILL see, hear and search for you. It’s not easy to hide.

Levels are intense and stealth won’t work everywhere. I don’t usually play “run and gun” games or shooters like Doom or Call of Duty so I had to git gud to pass a few tough spots (like the courtroom escape).

My favorite weapon in WOLFENSTEIN II was probably the schockhammer, a triple-barreled fully automatic shotgun with real stopping power. But hatchets, grenades, lasers, rifles, pistols, flamethrower and machine guns all had their uses. Choosing and improving the right tools for the job reminded me a bit of the BioShock weapon wheel and upgrade system.

There are stealth, mayhem and tactical perks, earned by completing certain actions in the game. I went heavier on stealth and mayhem, getting a few tactical perks for headshots and setting things on fire.

I am in awe of the level design, because when you’re doing the main story, you go through the levels in one direction. But when you come back for side missions, like killing the ubercommanders, you start at the other end and go backwards. It blows my mind how they set things up to work in both directions, including special features of the environment for stealth, taking cover during combat, or using the Ramshackles, Battle Walker and Constrictor contraptions.

Cutscenes usually annoy me and bog down gameplay. But the cutscenes in WOLFENSTEIN II happened between levels and didn’t interrupt the action. I found myself looking forward to them and getting emotionally invested in William Joseph “B.J.” Blazkowicz and the crew of Eva’s Hammer.

Having recently played The Outer Worlds, I couldn’t help comparing the random encounters on board the Unreliable to those on board Eva’s Hammer. WOLFENSTEIN II did it right. Rather than telling me where to go and what to see every time I entered the ship and repeating the same encounters over and over, I witnessed unique crew interactions and found little side quests while wandering around on my own. It felt much more realistic and natural, and more personal, with much more depth to the writing and performances.

Every word of WOLFENSTEIN II felt real and believable, in spite of the crazy alternate-history science fiction setting and some of zany plot twists, because the writing and performances were so good. This was a case where a voiced protagonist was used to great effect, not just to offer in-game tutorial and bland observations, but to set the emotional tone of a given mission and to help me connect with the protagonist I inhabited. In this, I was reminded of how I felt playing Daud in the Dishonored DLC, Knife of Dunwall and Brigmore Witches.

Perhaps it comes down to the talent of the voice actor, Brian Bloom. But I have to give credit to the other characters I loved, too, including Fergus Reid (Gideon Emery), Grace Walker (Debra Wilson), Horton Boone (Christopher Heyerdahl) and others. Even the smallest parts were delivered with sincerity, while so many other games sound like they grabbed someone off the street to read lines hastily scribbled on a white board.

I connected with WOLFENSTEIN II more than I ever expected I would, from its gameplay elements to its story to its deep emotional beats. It wasn’t just a shooter – though that part was a blast – it was so much more.

~ J.L. Hilton

See a complete list of video game fiction, articles and more under the Video Games tab of this website or click here

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