Dear Marvel, please let me choose your Doctor Strange

Comments are disabled. If you’d like to contact the author, see this page.

Posted in News & misc, Science Fiction | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Dear Marvel, please let me choose your Doctor Strange

ODD THOMAS is GHOST WHISPERER for men?

This review originally appeared on the Contact – Infinite Futures SF blog on July 15, 2014.

Odd Thomas is a 2013 film released on DVD earlier this year and based on a series of supernatural thrillers by New York Times best selling author Dean Koontz. I watched it the other day on Netflix because the trailers bore some resemblance to John Dies at the End, a 2012 film adaptation of the SF comedy horror book of the same name by Cracked writer David Wong.

John Dies at the End had a kind of ridiculous Beavis and Butthead meets Twilight Zone storyline, or as director Don Coscarelli said, “a mash-up of Douglas Adams and Stephen King.” But, I didn’t find anything light-hearted, clever or funny about the plodding, predictable plot of Odd Thomas, punctuated by pointless “witty banter” (I use air quotes here in sarcasm).

While the silvery, stringy antagonists of Odd Thomas seem like something out of science fiction, they’re not. They’re a unique take on demons, and the evil in the movie is blamed on Satanism, not science. Which made me wonder if Odd – with his special powers and savior status – was intentionally one letter away from “G-odd”?

I prefer sci-fi to supernatural, but what really bothers me about this movie is that every woman in the film is either scantily clad or providing sex, or both.

Even Viola (Gugu Mbatha-Raw), a maternal figure raising two girls on her own, is wearing something that looks like she’s just a pair of melons in a string bag. When she’s not wearing Daisy Duke shorts or just underwear, Stormy’s shirt never covers her belly button.

I’m not a prude, and I don’t mind women wearing whatever they want to wear and feeling happy with their bodies. But these aren’t women wearing what they chose to wear. These are actresses wearing what was chosen for them. Every aspect of a movie production happens for a reason, and when juxtaposed with Odd’s conservative attire, it felt like blatant objectification.

The film takes place in a warm climate, but then why is Odd in a long-sleeved black shirt and long pants while cooking over a hot grill, on a bright sunny day? Willem Dafoe goes shirtless, but I wouldn’t say he’s enough to balance the cast of busty eye candy, in spite of his lothario role in The Night and the Moment.

From the spirit of a raped and murdered girl in the opening scene, to the girls (not boys) being raised by Viola, to Odd’s female friends, the females in the movie are not there to be equal agents, they are there to be helpless and in the sort of peril from which only Odd can possibly rescue them — though he fails to do so, more than once. When he doesn’t fail, of course, is when it’s his one MALE friend (Dafoe) on the line.

There is very truly a refrigerator in the movie, full of body parts, and I was surprised the dead women (yes, sorry, spoilers, there’s more than one) didn’t end up stuffed in it.

Odd Thomas seemed to be Ghost Whisperer for men, though not interesting enough to keep my husband from falling asleep halfway through. I think I would have been better off sleeping through it, too.

Have you seen Odd Thomas? Read the books? I think I might have appreciated it more if I’d read the books, because I might have cared about the characters or understood Odd’s fashion choices. But a movie really should stand on its own, shouldn’t it?

~ J.L. Hilton

Comments are disabled for this blog. If you’d like to contact the author or discuss this post, please see this page.

Posted in Movies | Tagged , | Comments Off on ODD THOMAS is GHOST WHISPERER for men?

Automatons & Armorers at ConTemporal 2014

Last weekend, I joined the Temporal Engineering Alliance (TEA) as Port Raleigh’s aide-de-aether, otherwise known as social media assistant for ConTemporal.

In this industrious capacity, I met distinguished inventors, steamstresses, storytellers, troll hunters, melodians, haberdashers, automatons, armorers, leatherworkers, ladies and gentlemen at the third annual convergence of time streams and intersecting realities in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Some illustrative tintypes for your perusal:


Photos by J.L. Hilton

Color images and additional pictures here and here

Links:
The Blonde Swan
Bone Shaker Boxes
Brett King Steampunk
Brute Force Studios
GearHearts Magazine
The Gin Rebellion
Hatton Cross Steampunk
Koala Bags
Lady Heathers Fashions
Sleepy Hollow
Stephen Lee Chapman
The Victorian Magpie

Cogs & Captains at ConTemporal 2013
Characters & Curiosities at ConTemporal 2012

Comments are disabled. If you’d like to contact the author, see this page.

Posted in Conventions & events, News & misc, Science Fiction, Steampunk | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Automatons & Armorers at ConTemporal 2014

Redefining sexy with dwarves, demons and aliens

This post originally appeared May 16, 2014, on the Contact – Infinite Futures SF blog.

I’ve loved science fiction and fantasy my whole life. I saw the first STAR WARS in the 70s, played with the original Battlestar Galactica toys, wrote a fan letter to “Buck Rogers” Gil Gerard, and never missed a TWILIGHT ZONE or STAR TREK rerun. Some of my favorite movies were THE TIME MACHINE (1960), TIME AFTER TIME (1979), THE LAST UNICORN, THE HOBBIT cartoon by Rankin & Bass, and all the Disney fairy tales. I can’t say I “loved” ALIEN but my dad let me watch it at age 9. He made me cover my eyes during the stomach part, but I saw all the rest!

There are a million reasons to love SF/F — robots, unicorns, social commentary, lasers, magic, good triumphing over evil, just to name a few — but a huge reason to love it is what the genres taught me about love. Short, tall, fat, thin, human, alien, pointy-eared, green, blue or hairy, anyone can be a sexual creature and everyone wants romance.

Our society has a very insidious and destructive way of constantly telling us that we can’t be loved unless we’re attractive enough. And by “attractive” they mean light-skinned, tall, young, thin and hairless — or at least hairless in all the “correct” places, but heaven forbid on the head.

This ideal of beauty is not MY ideal.

Thorin Oakenshield and Tyrion Lannister have proven that you don’t have to be tall to be hot. Brainy beauty falls in love with the big, hairy Beast in Disney’s version of the tale. Speckle-skinned G’kar flies off into the universe with telepath Lita, promising to push the limits of her “pleasure threshold” in BABYLON 5. Bald, blue Zhaan of FARSCAPE is a radiant spiritual and sensual being. STAR TREK? One word: Klingons. Strong, bold warrior women like Xena and FIREFLY’s Zoe aren’t “scaring off” men. Zula of CONAN THE DESTROYER isn’t bothered by slut shaming — if she wants a man she will “grab him and take him.” Hellboy might be a giant snarky red demon dude with a tail, horns and red skin, but I still cry when … (SPOILERS)

Could SF/F go further in representing a variety of races, genders, relationships and body types? YES. But at least it serves up a much greater range of romance than mainstream Hollywood culture. Especially if you do more than scratch the surface or watch the popular movies, but dig deeper into lesser-known authors, small press, independent studios, etc.

A couple more of my favorite stories are Desert Blade by Ella Drake and the Tales of the Underlight series by Jax Garren, wherein disfigured — or differently figured — characters find true love. What are some of your favorites?

~ J.L. Hilton

Comments are disabled for this blog. If you’d like to contact the author or discuss this post, please see this page.

Posted in Fantasy, Movies, On writing..., Romance, Science Fiction, Stellarnet Series, TV Shows | Comments Off on Redefining sexy with dwarves, demons and aliens

Skyrim spouses: The good, the bad and the ugly

The Divines have blessed a total of 30 female marriage candidates and 37 male marriage candidates in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim and official expansions.

You can marry anyone regardless of your Dragonborn’s race or gender, so long as you’ve fulfilled whatever conditions make them your friend. Housecarls will be wiling to wed you as soon as they enter your service, mercenaries must be hired first, and other candidates have fetch quests or other requirements.

You’ll also need to exhaust the dialog options with Maramal, the priest in the Temple of Mara in Riften, and be wearing an amulet of Mara in order to initiate a marriage proposal. It does not have to be an amulet purchased from Maramal, any amulet of Mara will do. There’s a free one in a tent along the shoreline east of Dawnstar. Others appear at random throughout the game.

Skyrim allows one marriage and only one per Dragonborn, even if your spouse is killed — unless you use mods or console commands. There’s a persistent rumor that players can kill their spouses and remarry, but I suspect that’s a feature added by the Unofficial Skyrim Patch that PC players frequently download, or possibly a very early gameplay bug that was patched in subsequent updates, so don’t assume it will work for you. Choose your spouse wisely.

There’s only one Altmer and one Redguard, both female, who can be married. The Hearthfire DLC adds a second Redguard female. There are no Bosmer (wood elves) or Khajiit (cat people) to marry, at all, male or female, unless using mods or console commands.

After the wedding, all male and female spouses will give you a homecooked meal and 100 septims a day. You can live in your spouse’s home or move them into one of your homes, though some spouses may leave — such as Camilla taking over her brother’s shop if he dies or Ysolda taking over the Bannered Mare if Hulda dies. I’ve also read that only spouses from the Dragonborn DLC can be moved to Severin Manor on Solstheim, but I don’t have confirmation of this.

The main differences between spouses, other than appearance and voice, are where they live, whether or not they can be followers, and how likely they are to be killed. I recommend marrying someone who is a follower, even if you don’t take them with you on adventures, because you can access their inventory and give them weapons, armor, staffs, enchanted items and health potions, to help keep them alive. Towns and Hearthfire homes do get attacked, and death does happen, unless your spouse is one of the few programmed “essential,” or unless you’re using mods and console commands.

For more about marriage in Skyrim, see this Elder Scrolls wiki page or this Unofficial Elder Scrolls wiki page.

Let’s take a look at our choices…

COMPANIONS

The Companions are a warrior guild in Whiterun and for many players the first faction of friends and potential marriage candidates you’ll meet. Some are both teachers and followers, which allows you to buy skill training and then access their inventory and take back the gold, essentially getting training — and level ups — for free.

All live in Jorrvaskr, where you can live anyway if you join the guild, so you won’t gain additional housing through marriage. Several players have also reported glitches in which steward or married Companions return to Jorrvaskr instead of living in the Dragonborn’s home.

Aela is Supreme Werewolf Queen of Side-Boob, which makes her almost as popular a wife choice as cranky Lydia. Aela and Njada are both Nords and trainers, in archery and blocking respectively. Ria is an Imperial. All three are skilled warrior women and possible followers, but Aela’s level cap is 50, while the others max out at 25.

Between Vilkas’ tear-streaked emo eyeliner and Farkas’ dumb-yet-endearing-jockishness, the Brothers Werewolf are popular husbands.

Vilkas is a two-handed trainer, follower, spouse and steward. Farkas is a heavy armor trainer, follower and spouse. Both are level capped at 50. Torvar is a potential follower and spouse who is a surly drunk. He’s capped at 25.

All three are Nords. There’s also a Dark Elf in the Companions who can be married, but I’ve listed him with the Dunmer, below.

HOUSECARLS

All housecarls are Nords, except Rayya who’s a Redguard. All begin with the same armor, weapons and stats, except Valdimar who is a spellsword, while the rest are classified as warriors. They live in houses that belong to you, so you won’t get a bonus house through marriage.

All are possible spouses, stewards and followers who will defend you unto death. They are all level capped at 50, so should be able to stick with you through most of the game, assuming you continue to improve their weapons, armor and other gear. Don’t forget to put health potions in their inventories.

From left to right: Lydia (Breezehome in Whiterun), Iona (Honeyside in Riften), Jordis (Proudspire Manor in Solitude). and Rayya (Lakeview Manor, added by the Hearthfire expansion).

The basic game gives us Argis the Bulwark (Vlindrel Hall in Markarth) and Calder with the groovy mutton chops (Hjerim in Windhelm). Hearthfire evens up the score with two more male housecarls — Valdimar (Windstad Manor) and Gregor (Heljarchen Hall).

DUNMER

There are several gray-skinned Dunmer to marry, perhaps because of the popularity of Morrowind?

Avrusa Sarethi is an alchemist with her own farm.

Brelyna Maryon is an apprentice mage at the College of Winterhold (no bonus house there) and she can also be a follower, level cap 30.

Dravynea the Stoneweaver is an Expert Alteration trainer who works in the Steamscorch Mine and lives in Braidwood Inn in Kynesgrove.

Jenassa is a mercenary follower living in the Drunken Huntsman, level cap 40.

Revyn Sadri is a merchant in Windhelm and a speech skill trainer, but will only marry or train the Dragonborn if you help him with his request to return a stolen ring. If you don’t side with him, it is possible to marry Viola instead (see below).

Romlyn Dreth is a bootlegger with a small home under the city of Riften.

Sondas Drenim is a food vendor at Darkwater Crossing, a mining camp.

Athis is a member of the Companions who can be a follower or spouse, as well as one-handed skill trainer, level capped at 25.

HOTTIES

Anwen (Redguard), Orla (Nord) and Senna (Breton). All of these ladies live in the Temple of Dibella, goddess of love, in Markarth. Note: There’s a reported bug with Orla where she refuses to leave the temple to live in anywhere else.

While not devotees of a love goddess, these three seem to be popular hunky husband choices for their looks, personality and skills.

Marcurio the sassy Imperial mage mercenary can be hired at his residence, the Bee and Barb in Riften, and is level capped at 40.

Onmund is a sweet apprentice at the College of Winterhold who is a potential mage follower (level cap 30) and steward, whose Nord family does not supporting his interest in magic.

Vorstag is a warrior mercenary who can be hired from his residence, the Silverblood Inn in Markarth. He has a sweet disposition while also being a badass fighter, and possesses one of the softer Nord voices in the game.

AND MORE HOTTIES

Camilla is sister to the proprietor of Riverwood Trader and the Imperial creamy center of a love Oreo between Faendal the Bosmer archer and Sven the Nord bard. If you marry her, her “friends” will continue to visit her at your home, wherever you live. She may also return to Riverwood and take over the family business if her brother dies.

Muiri is a Breton alchemy assistant who inherits the Hag’s Cure in Markarth if her employer is killed (and who also has an interesting love life, too, which you will hear about while doing the Dark Brotherhood questline).

Ysolda is an enterprising Nord drug dealer with her own tiny house in Whiterun, who takes over the Bannered Mare if Hulda the innkeeper is killed. She was made “essential” by one of the official updates (which are automatically included in some versions of the game), so cannot die, I assume because of her role in the quest “A Night to Remember.”

Sylgja manages to retain her youthful beauty in spite of being a hard-working Nord miner, and her big bust apparently doesn’t get in the way of swinging a pickaxe all day at Redbelly Mine in Shor’s Stone.

Sorex is an Imperial whose father owns the Winking Skeever in Solitude, involved in a love triangle with Vivienne Onis and Roggvir until the latter was beheaded. After marriage, he may continue flirting with ladies who enter the inn and he hates every home except Proudspire Manor.

Quintus is an Imperial alchemist who takes over the White Phial shop in Windhelm when his employer dies. I don’t know if he qualifies as a hottie (maybe if he lost that hat), but he’s young and seems to be kind.

Wilhelm owns the Vilemyr Inn in Ivarstead. While the Nord cannot be a follower, he possesses pickpocket skill and is marked “essential” so he can never be killed.

Roggi Knot-Beard is a Nord miner in Kynesgrove, drunk and in debt, who can be a potential spouse, steward and follower, though his skills are minimal and his level is capped at 20.

MATURE SPOUSES

If you prefer your spouse to be a little older and wiser, we have…

From left to right: Aeri, Nord owner of Anga’s Mill and her own houseGilfre, Imperial owner of Mixwater Mill and her own houseTemba, Nord mill owner in Ivarstead. Uthgerd the Unbroken, Nord mercenary, level cap 30, for hire in the Bannered Mare and owner of a decent house in Whiterun.

Ainethach is a prominent Breton who runs the Sanuarach Mine and owns a farmhouse in Karthwasten.

Balimund is a blacksmith and smithing skill trainer with a house and forge in Riften, which he shares with his adopted son Asbjorn Fire-Tamer.

Filnjar is a Nord blacksmith with a house in Shor’s Stone.

Stenvar is a Nord warrior mercenary with a decent sense of humor who may be hired from his home, Candlehearth Hall in Windhelm. He has the same voice as Farkas and Balimund. I married him in my first playthrough. He makes an excellent follower but is capped at level 40 and I had to retire him to Proudspire Manor with our kids sometime between levels 45-50.

ORCS & ARGONIANS

If you like the kind of spouse who has green skin and tusks, we have the orcs or “Orsimer” of Skyrim.

Female orcs: Borgakh the Steel Heart is the daughter of the Chief Larak of the Orc stronghold of Mor Khazgur and a potential follower, level cap 30. Ghorza is a blacksmith and smithing trainer in Markarth, who lives with her brother in Understone Keep.

Male orcs: Gat Gro-Shargakh is a miner who lives in Kolskeggr Mine, east of Markarth. Moth gro-Bagol is Ghorza’s brother and also a blacksmith, working and living in Understone Keep in Markarth. Ghorbash the Iron Hand is an Orsimer living in Dushnikh Yal and is the brother of Chief Burguk. He is a potential follower (capped at level 30), spouse and steward.

Or if that isn’t exotic enough for you, the Argonian spouses…

One lizard lady, Shahvee, and two lizard gentleman, Derkeethus and Scouts-Many-Marshes.

Scouts-Many-Marshes is a light armor trainer but not a potential follower, so you probably can’t retrieve your gold from his inventory after training. He and Shahvee live in the Argonian Assemblage bunkhouse in Windhelm, if you marry and move in with one of them.

If rescued from Darkwater Pass, Derkeethus can be a follower (ranger class, level cap 30 and the only Argonian follower in the game) and potential marriage candidate. After being rescued, he will move back to the small mining camp of Darkwater Crossing and might get killed by Falmer who spawn there.

DRAGONBORN DLC SPOUSES

One male and two female marriage candidates are added by the Dragonborn DLC. All are Nords. From what I’ve read, these are the only spouses who can live with you in Severin Manor, but I’m not sure if they are limited to Solstheim or can move to Skyrim, too.

Halbarn Iron-Fur and Hilund are residents of Bujold’s Retreat/Thirsk Mead Hall and Morwen has her own home in the Skaal Village. Halbarn and Hilund are level capped at 60, but I’m not sure if any of them can be followers or not.

SPECIAL SPOUSES

These are the final three eligible females, but there’s much more to discuss on the male side. I’ll follow up with that in a sec.

Mjoll the Lioness is a Nord who lives with Aerin in Riften. She is a skilled fighter who can be a follower, and while capped at 40, what makes her special is that she cannot be killed. Even after her quest is finished, she will not die. Keep in mind that wherever she goes, Aerin will follow.

Taarie lives in the Radiant Raiment shop in Solitude, which is pretty special if you decide to move in with her, but what makes her really special is that she is the only Altmer (High Elf) marriage candidate in the game.

Viola is special because she appears to be the only old female marriage candidate, as well as an Imperial living in Windhelm (Ulfric Stormcloak’s city) with a very large home that rivals Hjerim.

THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Omluag is a Breton who lives in the Warrens (basically the homeless shelter) of Markarth.

Odfel is a Nord who shares a small house with an orc and whose claim to fame is a unique pickaxe called Rocksplinter.

Perth is a Breton miner in Soljund’s Sinkhole who looks like he should be following Dorothy and Toto to see the Wizard. He shares a house with Tuthul (who is kind of hot looking and has a cool mohawk, but isn’t a marriage candidate – why?).

Pavo Attius seems to be the best catch of the bunch, since the Imperial owns the Kolskeggr gold mine and a house outside Markarth, but he will remain in miner’s clothes unless you have a PC mod. Forsworn might also invade from time to time and can kill him when you’re not around, unless you move him to another home.

Angrenor Once-Honored is a homeless Nord war veteran who lives on the streets of Windhelm.

Belrand is an old spellsword for hire in the Winking Skeever.

Benor is a Nord thug who lives in Morthal and has been denied a job with the city guards but still lives in the guardhouse anyway. Beat him up to win his heart.

Cosnach is a drunk whose heart can also be won by a brawl. In my experience, he’s a decent follower with some funny dialog about “aiming for the one in the middle” (since he’s drunk, get it?). He lives in the Warrens of Markarth.

Octieve is a retired old Breton veteran who offers some two-handed training. He gambles, drinks, and lives with his grown daughter Evette in Solitude.

I WISH I COULD HAVE MARRIED

Blazing badass Teldryn Sero fills all top ten of my list. My heart is forever broken that the Dunmer spellsword can neither marry nor become a steward so we could have at least lived together. It might have been nice to marry Faendal, the sweet Bosmer archer of Riverwood, or black leather clad bad boy Brynjolf of the Thieves Guild.

Really, just about any of the Thieves Guild members would have been acceptable partners. Partners for what, exactly? Yeah, I guess they’re not really the marrying type.

Alas, they are all unavailable, unless you’re rocking a mod on PC. I’ve been playing on PS3.

~ J.L. Hilton

Connect, support, comment or contact the author here

Posted in Fantasy, Romance, Video games | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

THIEF leaves me feeling unsatisfied

THIEF
Rating: M for Mature
Blood, Nudity, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Use of Drugs and Violence

Read part 1: THIEF makes me feel oh so very naughty

********* SPOILERS *********

A few weeks ago I rented THIEF from Redbox and wrote a review based on a few hours of PS3 gameplay. At the time, I thought I was about halfway through, since the main storyline was divided into eight chapters and I’d played up to chapter four.

I rented it again to finish the game and, surprise, there’s also a bunch of side missions. With those and the main story, I ended up spending $12 in total rental fees at $2 a day, though I could have wrapped it up for $6 without the distractions of work, kids, and a cold. I also suffered a setback from the mysterious April Fool’s Day Bug that caused me to lose some of my saved progress.

Through the second half of THIEF, I continued to like Garrett, the snarky anti-hero with a dancer’s body and BDSM suit, and I enjoyed the new missions full of much creepy shit and stealthy snatching. After fiddling with game settings, some of the audio remained a bit weird, but better than before.

I still wasted way too much time bumping into things. Some doors had knobs, many did not. Some windows could be pried open, many could not. Some ledges could be climbed, others not so much. By the time I became familiar with my “focus” ability, the guards’ behavior and the City layout — with its convenient spills of white paint occasionally indicating where to go — the game was almost over.

This is what passes for a map in THIEF. No streets labeled. No indication of where there are passable doors or windows instead of walls. In fact, I sometimes ran into walls where there were no walls drawn. Yay!

“At times, I caught glimpses of the good game that might have been,” said Kirk Hamilton, in his spot-on Kotaku review of THIEF’s disappointments. I hear ya, Kirk. I really, really wanted to love THIEF. I wanted to be all over this game, like cute on a kitten. It’s so many things I love — steampunk, stealth, supernatural, somber scenery, and a sleek, sexy, cynical protagonist.

THIEF felt like it wanted to be so much bigger. I wanted it to be bigger. (That’s what she said.) More characters, more missions, more parkour, more treasures, more puzzles, more chase sequences, more bearded burlesque ladies to rescue, more freedom to roam. I wanted the guards along Glimmer Lane to talk about more than rolling Polly Adler about 800 times.

And more explanations, please!

  • How did Garrett stay alive, if he was passed out for a year and couldn’t eat?
  • If the basic premise of the master thief’s personality and conflict with Erin is that he doesn’t like killing people, how come it seemed to be required to get through every mission with a few well-placed headshots and explosive arrows? (Or maybe that’s just me — I like arrows.)
  • How did the Queen of Beggars know all about the Primal stone fragments?
  • What was the deal with the obelisks (and the buttons inside of them)?
  • Was the Baron going to continue running The City or what?
  • What was Hector going to do with his automaton in Blackmoor?
  • Why did Hector have one of those Keep-shaped keys in a case in his workshop? Did I miss something to do with that?
  • Did Vittori’s carnival ever get to leave port?
  • What about those creepy-ass patients still roaming the asylum?
  • Was the Gloom gone? (And is Polly Adler spreading around something even worse?)
  • What about all the Freaks on the loose, and were they still Freaks after… whatever happened to Erin at the end?
  • Did Garrett actually love Erin at all?
  • Would Erin ever stop being a whiny PITA?
  • How did he reassemble the Primal stone if he still had a piece of it in his eye?
  • Did Basso ever get another bird?

ARRRGH! So many unanswered questions in what had the makings of an excellent story. Perhaps the answers were all there, I just didn’t find them. That I care so much certainly indicates that something in the story hooked me. I believe I could have loved this game the way I love Skyrim, but just didn’t quite get there. So heartbreaking.

~ J.L. Hilton

Comments are disabled for this blog. If you’d like to contact the author or discuss this post, please see this page.

Posted in News & misc, Science Fiction, Steampunk, Video games | Tagged , , , , , | Comments Off on THIEF leaves me feeling unsatisfied

THIEF makes me feel oh so very naughty

THIEF
Rating: M for Mature
Blood, Nudity, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Use of Drugs and Violence

I prefer rogues. In Skyrim, my Nightingale Dragonborn sneaks and snipes her way through dungeons. My vampire assassin creeps and cut-throats her way across bandit camps. So, when I saw the new Thief reboot, a video game that relies on stealth rather than brute force, I couldn’t wait to try it out.

Some reviews have been positive, but many have criticized the boring and repetitive gameplay, restrictive map layout, technical issues, gray upon gray graphics, and weak, supernatural-driven story.

I rented a copy from Redbox for my PS3. Within a few hours, I’d reached chapter four out of eight chapters. Granted, I didn’t explore to quite the extent that I might if I owned the game, but it certainly didn’t promise the 800+ hours I’ve devoted to Skyrim. For $2.00, though, I received my money’s worth.

I happen to love the color gray. I thought the muted color palette evoked the appropriate mood and environment for a protagonist who lives in the shadows. Not much different from BioShock, or the grim Mystery Case Files hidden object games I enjoy.

The story seemed no more or less interesting than most. You’re a thief in a psuedo-Victorian city creatively named “the City,” where Industrial Era and supernatural forces collide à la Robert Downey Jr’s Sherlock Holmes. Decent dialog featured one of the funniest conversations I’ve ever overheard in a video game. (Click here to listen. NSFW.)

A man in leather who’s good with his hands? Yes, please.

I liked Garrett, the thief of Thief. Having never played the previous games in the franchise, I had no preconceived ideas about his voice acting or anything else. With his arsenal of tricky arrows, he reminded me a bit of Oliver Queen. I even liked most of the secondary characters — Basso, the Queen of Beggars, the Thief-Taker General and Orion.

Erin, however, got on my last nerve. Unreasonable “I can take care of myself” woman-child who then promptly causes problems, gets in trouble and needs rescuing. Dressed like she just came from Hot Topic, with black nail polish and black lipstick, she wears a big dangling necklace that would have been noisy and impractical for a thief. SPOILER: Apparently she grew up in a brothel, so yay, another “rape as backstory for an edgy female character” trope.

Hi, I’m the annoying hot chick who reminds you of all the girls who ever friendzoned you in high school.

As for the game being repetitive, no more or less than most. Yes, it’s a lot of lockpicking, pickpocketing and sneaking. But is that any different from the repetitive dungeon crawling, jumping puzzles or “shoot the shit out of everything” in other games? I enjoy sneaking, stealing and lockpicking, so Thief worked for me, in that aspect. I’ve no complaints there. I just wished I could have carried more arrows.

So here’s where I agree that I despised the restrictive maps. If inFAMOUS or Assassin’s Creed II can have large, fully-interactive cities, where every wall, drainpipe, awning and window may be climbed, why can’t Thief? I spent too much time bumping against the environment, pushing L2 and figuring out where I could or couldn’t go.

Even worse, the audio. People outside of a building sounded like they were right next to me. I might walk through an open doorway (no loading screen) and go from noise to silence very abruptly, or vice versa. Conversations often overlapped so that I couldn’t understand anything. Ambient sounds were inconsistent.

The brothel mission was a voyeur’s dream, and entirely unsuitable for underage players. And that’s coming from me, who lets my teen play Skyrim and watch The Daily Show. So, no, not a game you can play around the kiddies. Unless you want to explain BDSM to your kiddies.

In spite of it’s issues, the game kind of haunts me. It creeped me out and left me feeling a bit icky. The frustrating gameplay and sound editing pissed me off. But Thief has intrigued me enough that I can’t stop thinking about it. I may just have to rent it again and finish the second half.

Read part 2: THIEF leaves me feeling unsatisfied

~ J.L. Hilton

Comments are disabled for this blog. If you’d like to contact the author or discuss this post, please see this page.

Posted in News & misc, Science Fiction, Steampunk, Video games | Tagged , , , , , , , | Comments Off on THIEF makes me feel oh so very naughty

Skyrim smut, part 3: “Tickling the angry troll”

* * WARNING: ADULT CONTENT * *

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Tamriel and its inhabitants belong to Bethesda. Zephyr Silvertongue is an original character.

Do not read if you are easily offended by fanfiction, erotica, witty banter, a Dunmer spellsword with nimble fingers, or an Imperial Dragonborn who kisses orcs — just not on the mouth.

Sequel to my previous Skyrim smut, “I need another stamina potion.”

3,000 words.

– J.L. Hilton

* * *

TICKLING THE ANGRY TROLL

From the floor of the wagon, I watched the skies and golden-green aspen branches overhead. A sentinel Teldryn Sero perched on the bench to my left, scanning the road behind us as we rolled toward Windhelm.

“I might regret asking this, but have you ever been with an elf?”

He discussed many subjects during our travels, but I suspected this question had something to do with my attempt to bed him in Markarth. He’d spurned my advances and I hadn’t tried again, in all the months we’d traveled together.

Though he couldn’t see the smile behind my Nightingale mask, he would hear it in my voice. “Been with an elf? Whatever do you mean? I’m with one right now.”

His own face hidden behind a red scarf and goggles, he sighed in frustration. “Do you enjoy making this conversation more difficult for me?”

Normally, he would have appreciated my humor. I changed my tone. “No, Teldryn, I’m sorry. Why do you ask?”

“Morbid curiosity. And a desire to fill the silence before you start singing about yourself, again.”

There it was, the flippant bastard’s sharp tongue. He couldn’t keep it sheathed for long.

Reclining on a stack of burlap sacks, I laced my fingers behind my head and hummed The Dragonborn Comes until he kicked me.

“Alright! Well… there’s the Bosmer you met in Riverwood.”

“Faendal?” The name dripped from his lips with bitter mockery.

“He’s a good friend, one of the first I made in Skyrim. We traveled together awhile, but he’s not a mercenary and eventually wanted to go home.”

“I don’t blame him. If I had to settle in Skyrim, Riverwood might be the place I’d choose.”

“That, and he’s got a horker tusk for Lucan’s sister, Camilla. Couldn’t leave her alone with Sven for too long.”

“The woman in the trader’s shop? The one who kept saying—” Teldryn mimicked her voice. “‘It’s a fine day with you around.’

“The very one.”

“Not the sharpest weapon in the armory, is she?”

“I don’t know what he sees in her, but I’ve given up trying to understand the love lives of elves.” Whether they are Bosmer or Dunmer, I added to myself. “He taught me how to use a bow. I taught him how to hit my target. He was sweet, but…”

I tried to think of a diplomatic way to say he lacked imagination and depravity.

“Not satisfying?” Teldryn suggested.

“I prefer Nords for their size, strength and stamina.”

“So I’ve noticed.”

Teldryn met my husband, Stenvar, in Solitude, and he knew I’d engaged my housecarl, Argis, to relieve my tensions in Vlindrel Hall. I refrained from telling him about my previous companions, Vorstag and Thonnir, and the many nights the three of us spent together consoling Thonnir after the loss of his wife to vampires. Nor did I relate the means by which I’d thanked Ralof for helping me escape Helgen. Teldryn had asked about Mer, not Men.

“There was an orc in Cidhna Mine.”

“An Orsimer?” He made a noise of disgust. “I imagine a relationship with him was prudent so long as you were imprisoned.”

The wagon hit a bump in the road. I waited until we got past the rough patch, then continued the conversation.

“He didn’t coerce or force me, if that’s what you’re implying. I seduced him. They called him Borkul the Beast and he lived up to his name.”

Teldryn repeated my words. “Size, strength and stamina.”

“He was a lovely shade of green, too, like the stem of a lavender flower.”

“And what did he say when you gave him that bit of poetry?”

“I never did. He wasn’t much of a romantic.”

“I’m shocked.” No he wasn’t. “How does one kiss an Orsimer through those sharp, pointy teeth?”

“I don’t remember kissing him on the mouth.”

“Delightful,” he sneered.

“Borkul belonged to Madanach, the king in rags. He and the Forsworn were decent to me.”

“I’ve never heard the terms ‘Forsworn’ and ‘decent’ used together.”

“They only want the same thing the Nords want. Control of their own lands and destinies, and the right to worship as they please. I’d been sent to kill them, but after I heard their stories, I helped them escape, instead. I despise what that hypocrite Ulfric Stormcloak did in Markarth.”

“You would rather the Reachmen rip Markarth from the loving embrace of the Empire?”

“Better that than see the place crawling with Thalmor. No one is free in the Aldmeri Dominion.”

“Now you sound like a Stormcloak.”

“I haven’t taken sides in the war.”

“They won’t wait forever. You’re an ally every faction desires—Stormcloak, Empire, even the Thalmor.”

“To Oblivion with the Thalmor.”

Day began to wane and a cold wind stirred the trees. The weather would turn to snow by the time we reached Eastmarch. Teldryn slipped a sprig of frost mirriam under his red scarf and into his mouth, a mild measure of cold resistance. I made a mental note to brew some potions of frost resistance at the White Phial.

“So, I should assume you haven’t bedded an Altmer?”

“And I never will, even if one of them would want to tarnish his golden staff with an Imperial.”

“An Imperial Dragonborn. Someday, you might be worshiped as the next Talos.”

“And they’d probably hunt down my worshipers, too.”

“No private flute lessons from Viarmo, then?” Teldryn referred to the head of the bard’s college in Solitude, and my reason for entering Skyrim in the first place. So long ago. So much had changed.

“No.” I took an apple from one of the sacks and removed my mask to eat.

Teldryn touched his thumb to the tip of each finger, counting off. “Bosmer, Orsimer, Altmer. The Dwemer are gone and I assume Falmer are out of the question…?”

“Of course.”

“Which leaves us with …” He flourished his hand in the air, as if introducing himself at a Bardic recital. “The Dunmer.”

“Not for lack of trying,” I reminded him.

“If you wanted to add one of us to your… collection… there’s always Captain Veleth.”

I huffed dismissively. “He’s in love with Dreyla Alor.”

“Get him alone in the Bulwark, late one night, then tell me I’m wrong.”

“Dunmer don’t find me attractive.” Or, rather, one Dunmer in particular. Or so I’d thought. Teldryn’s lenses pointed at me with an unwavering gaze, reflecting the orange glow of sunset.

On the road, we both wore our masks. Traditional Nightingale garb dictated mine, and his bore more than a resemblance to the Morag Tong, the mysterious Morrowind assassins guild. I’d only seen him without his chitin helmet in Markarth, when I’d caught a glimpse of him in the bath. Since then, he’d taken care to remain unseen. Which took some doing, because the fastidious elf loved to be clean. The blind Falmer would never smell his approach.

“You’ve tamed dragons, destroyed Miraak, and traveled to Apocrypha without going mad,” he said. “Such a woman would capture the interest of any Dunmer. Even, perhaps, a Telvanni wizard?”

“Neloth? He’s what? Three hundred years old?”

“Five hundred, at least. He’d be well-versed in the fornication school of magic.”

I almost choked with laughter and a mouthful of apple. When I recovered, I asked, “Is that similar to illusion or conjuration? Can you make your cock invisible? Or summon a tit atronach?”

He didn’t laugh with me, but grumbled, “Don’t underestimate the imagination and ability of a Dunmer mage.”

“You’re a Dunmer mage.”

“Exactly.”

I wondered how many fornication spells he knew.

The first stars appeared and Bjorlam, our carriage driver, lit his lanterns. I finished the apple and tossed the core over the side of the cart.

“So, Neloth or Veleth? Hmm… I don’t know. They both have those angular Dunmer features. High cheekbones, stern grimaces, arched eyebrows, deep haggard lines, scathing eyes.”

“It is our ill-favored fate to look the way we do,” he snapped, with an edge like Mehrunes Razor.

“Don’t mistake me, Teldryn. After spending some time on Solstheim, I appreciate the grim glamor of your people. They’re strange, but alluring. Character is so much more attractive than mere beauty.”

“I agree.”

His lenses turned away from me and back to watching the road. He’d lunged, I’d parried, he’d retreated. My turn to advance.

“I’ve answered your questions, now answer mine.”

He replied in a voice so low I almost couldn’t hear him over the creaking of the wagon wheels. “What do you want to know?”

“Does your dour cynicism melt away in the darkness? When everything is gray, do Dunmer burn as hot as the molten lava of Red Mountain? Or are they as cold as the unmelting snow at the Throat of the World? Does living so long make a Mer disdain love, or feel it more deeply than you would ever admit to anyone, even yourself?”

“Anything else?” A bit of levity returned to his voice.

“Yes. Does your skin taste like ash?”

He left his seat and knelt on the floor of the wagon beside me. Removing his chitin helmet, he revealed long, pointed ears, scarred gray skin, a black goatee, and a thick strip of hair down the middle of his head. When he took off the goggles, I saw his scarlet eyes for the first time.

“I am yours to taste, if you will still have me.”

To hear sincerity rather than sarcasm in his voice surprised me. I’d seen the red eyes of other Dunmer, glinting with an inner glow like rubies in firelight. But his eyes unnerved me. Me, the Dovahkiin, who’d stared into the eyes of dragons and consumed their souls.

I tried to lighten the mood. “You don’t have to sound so depressed, like you’re taking one for the regiment.”

He abandoned all humor. “I’d hoped to wait until the day you loved me in return.” He paused, searching for words, as if there were any more words worth saying after admitting he loved me, but he found them. “I could not let you satisfy your curiosity with another Dunmer.”

I possessed the star of Azura and Meridia’s blessed sword Dawnbreaker. I’d reconstructed the Crown of Berenziah and recovered the shards of Ysgramor’s ancient axe Wuuthrad. Yet, when I lifted my fingers to Teldryn’s mouth and the purple lines tattooed on his chin, I trembled to touch such a treasure.

His voice echoed in my mind like the chanting song of a dragon wall... the day you loved me in return …

As if he’d picked my master lock, my heart opened wide and revealed a truth that had been hidden there for some time.

I told him, “I do love you, Teldryn Sero,” and felt the warmth of his exhale.

He grasped my hand and kissed my fingertips still sweet with apple juice. Wrapping his lips around the tip of my first finger, I felt his teeth and his hot, wet tongue while he moved to the next fingertip, and the next, until he’d tasted them all. He covered my palm with light kisses I could hardly feel through the black leather of my fingerless gloves, but it didn’t matter. I could feel the adoration.

Teldryn made his way to my wrist and up the inside of my arm. I dragged the fingers of my sword hand through his hair, traced the feathery tattoos over his cheekbones and the tip of his pointed ear, while he kissed a path to my shoulder. I tried to memorize every line of a face enigmatic as an Elder Scroll. I shuddered.

“Cold?” He held his hand above my chest and a flames crackled over his fingers.

“It’s not the air that makes me shiver.”

His lips pressed together in a wry smile. “My apologies, Serjo Dovah.” Dragon Queen. A clever mixture of Dunmer and Dragon language. “Should I stop?”

“Of course not.”

I invoked a healing spell and grasped his burning hand, lacing my glowing fingers with his. I felt the heat, but no pain. The intermingling of the two spells gave me a faint prickling sensation. When the magic faded, he kissed my sword hand as he’d kissed the other. Moving along my arm to my neck, his nimble mouth did more with a few inches of bare skin than most men could do with my entire body.

I moaned, squirming against the tension that spread through me, and didn’t care if the carriage driver listened. I could feel hard muscle beneath the netch leather covering Teldryn’s right shoulder, but his chitin-plated armor prevented further exploration.

Panting in short breaths, aching to be filled, I had no idea if he could fill me. I didn’t care. I wanted him, any part of him, inside me. I didn’t care which part or where. I searched for the knot of his trousers.

He shifted his weight, pinning my shield arm and limiting my access to his personal treasury. “Patience, Serjo Dovah. I said I’m yours, but I’ve no intention of being undressed if we’re attacked by bandits.”

“Summon an atronach while I fill the bastards with arrows. We’ll be fine”

My sword hand went for his trousers again and he caught my wrist. “And if there’s a dragon?”

I tested the strength of his grip. Strong as ebony. Much more powerful than he looked, the slender Dunmer, which aroused me more.

He saw the rise and fall of my chest, the way I licked my lips, and laughed at me. “I’ve yet to taste your mouth, and you’re already on the verge of eruption. Do you need a blade in your sheath?”

He thrust his hips against me, teasing.

“Yes.” I met his thrust and writhed against him. “Yes.” My insistence didn’t move him. “If you want me to beg, then… yes, please.”

“Yes, please, whom?”

“Yes, please, Teldryn.”

“Try again.”

“Yes, please, you maddeningly miserable mammoth’s backside!” I made a show of pushing him away but remained pinned.

“Not the endearment I’m looking for.”

“Yes, please, my love.”

Smirking, he placed my hand around the back of his neck. I let it remain there, being precious little skin elsewhere for me to touch. Meanwhile, he dragged a finger over the round curve of my ear, then across my forehead and down to the tip of my nose, and said, “No.”

“No?”

“No, I won’t let you have my elven blade. Not yet.”

I opened my mouth and flicked my tongue, but he snatched his hand away.

“You bastard. At least let me taste you. You don’t have to undress, just loosen your trousers.”

“No.”

“Damn you, Dunmer, why not?”

“It won’t be enough to fulfill me, Zephyr Silvertongue. Not after all these months of watching you, wanting you, waiting for you.”

With each word, I could smell the peppery hint of frost mirriam on his breath. I clutched his neck and pulled him to my lips, his burning mouth igniting my passion like a fireball. He wielded his tongue with the deftness of an assassin’s blade. I marveled at his skill, dying for him to end me.

I broke off to plead. “Don’t torture me.”

“I will.” He smiled and caressed the curve of my breast, my hip and then between my legs, with just enough pressure that I could feel him but not enough to satisfy me. “I will torture you until you pay for every moment you spent fucking that damned housecarl.”

“I could have fucked you. You turned me down.”

“Because I don’t want to fuck you.” He kissed my ear. “I want to know you.” My closed eyes. “Love you.” My mouth. “Possess you.” Unbuckling the belt around my hips, he worked his hand into my pants. “And I want you to want the same, of me.”

I gasped. “I do.” I thrust against his hand, seeking relief.

“You’re a bad liar when you’re wet.”

He found the hidden jewel in my treasure chest, and any protest I might have made about my honesty came out a senseless cry. He covered my mouth with his free hand. No, his skin didn’t taste like ash, he tasted like salt and leather.

“You’ll attract every sabre cat, bear and troll for miles,” he chastised me, but didn’t relent the skillful manipulation that drove me to continue my stifled groaning.

I recognized the tingling of a low-level lightning spell humming, uncast, from his hand between my thighs. Against my most sensitive skin, the vibration felt like nothing I’d ever experienced before. I convulsed, clutching him, biting his palm. I did not merely peak but exploded, again and again, Dibella’s gift shattering me into a thousand sparks, like the stars overhead.

I felt lost for ages before I returned to the rustling leaves, the jostling wagon and Teldryn’s warm hands. I tasted blood and, realizing how hard I’d bitten him, immediately cast a healing spell that swirled around him like a cloud of torchbugs. He removed his hand from my mouth and examined the vanishing wound.

“I’m glad I didn’t let you near my cock.”

I entwined my legs with his and my arms around his neck. He grasped my backside, pulling me close, kissing me again.

“How do I get you naked and inside me?” I demanded. “Tell me.”

“You still want me? I thought you’d lose interest, soon as I tickled your angry troll.”

I considered the inches of gray skin I’d yet to taste, the shape of the cock I’d yet to know, and the sexual uses of magic I’d never imagined. I recalled the conversations, the battles, the roads we’d traveled. I marveled at the mind, body, heart and soul of Teldryn Sero.

“I want you more than anything or anyone in Tamriel.”

His smug expression only made me love him more. “Then give me a fortnight. Neloth’s briar heart can wait.”

“Where can we…” I gasped as he buried his face in my neck. Scarcely able to form the word, I said, “Ivarstead?”

“Not enough privacy,” he whispered, his breath tingling the hairs on my head into gooseflesh. “The Retching Netch.”

“Too far.” By the gods, I’d never make it all the way to Solstheim. “Riften.”

He drew back to look in my eyes. “Your housecarl will tell your husband.”

“She won’t if I send her away. Delphine is recruiting Blades. It will be a great honor for Iona.”

“I’d love to read that missive. ‘Dear Delphine, tenacious survivor of the Aldmeri Dominion’s massacre of your brethren: Here’s a dragon hunter to rebuild the ranks of your ancient and illustrious band of lofty do-gooders. Her qualifications are listed thus: She is my sword and my shield, and I need to debauch a Dunmer. Sincerely, the Dragonborn.’

“I think I’m the one who’s going to be debauched.”

He chuckled wickedly. “You can’t even begin to imagine.”

* * *

Read more Skyrim…

Skyrim smut 1: “Come with me to Sovngarde
Skyrim smut 2: “I need another stamina potion”
Skyrim smut 3: “Tickling the angry troll”
Skyrim smut 4: “The Dunmer of Debauchery”
Skyrim smut 5: “A Tsunny Day in Shor’s Realm”
Skyrim smut 6: “Return to Solitude”

How I left my husband for a guy with pointy ears

* * *

~ J.L. Hilton

Connect, support, comment or contact the author here

Posted in Fantasy, Freebies, Romance, Video games | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Skyrim smut, part 2: “I need another stamina potion”

* * WARNING: ADULT CONTENT * *

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Tamriel and its inhabitants belong to Bethesda. Zephyr Silvertongue is an original character.

Do not read if you are easily offended by fanfiction, erotica, witty banter, a housecarl who really knows how to hammer his Thane’s anvil, or an Imperial Dragonborn with a couple of tasty boiled creme treats.

This is a sequel of sorts to my previous Skyrim smut, “Come with me to Sovngarde,” and a prelude to “Tickling the angry troll,” which features a lot more Teldryn Sero.

2,000 words.

– J.L. Hilton

* * *

“I NEED ANOTHER STAMINA POTION”

“Have you finished your bath, my Thane?” My housecarl waited as I wrapped a robe around my naked body.

“Yes, Argis, I have. You may empty the water and put the tub away.”

“Your hireling has asked me to move it to the alchemy room so he might bathe.”

“He can use it here.” I gestured to the large common area between my bedroom and the servant’s quarters. I had no idea what the original purpose of the chamber had been when the ancient Dwemer built Vlindrel Hall, but it now served as kitchen, study and storage. “It’s still warm near the cook fire.”

“I told him already, my Thane. But he wants fresh water.”

“So, give it to him.”

“And privacy.”

Curious fellow, the Dunmer. I’d yet to get a good look at his face, though we’d traveled together for months, finding the Black Books, assisting the residents of Raven Rock, and undoing the treachery of Miraak. Then we’d journeyed across the length of Skyrim to the stone city of Markarth. The wizard Neloth wanted a fresh briar heart, and what better place to find one than the Reach? But before venturing out to seek the Forsworn, I wanted to bathe, eat, drink and rest well, for the first time in weeks.

“Do whatever he asks, Argis. Obey him as you would obey me.”

“Yes, my Thane.”

I intended to know the spellsword a bit better, and bathing near my bed would have been ideal for that purpose. My husband, Stenvar, took care of my needs at home in Solitude, but much time had passed since my last visit to Proudspire Manor. Special services were often provided by mercenaries, along with swordsmanship. Though, so far, I’d not asked nor had the dark elf offered.

I hadn’t expected to travel with Teldryn Sero for so long, but assumed he’d die or abandon me in a draugr crypt, ash spawn attack or dragon’s fire before I left Solstheim. Perhaps he’d expected the same of me, until I’d shown myself a true Dragonborn. Stenvar had barely survived the island, despite his considerable skills. The experience had convinced my husband to retire and take up full-time fatherhood, caring for the orphans we’d found on the streets of Whiterun and Windhelm, and spending the piles of septims we’d collected on our previous adventures.

Teldryn Sero, whoever he was, had proven to be a remarkably capable match for my ever-increasing powers. With a wry wit, quiet feet, deadly blade, and powerful arsenal of battle magic, and despite the differences in our backgrounds, his fighting style complemented mine in every way. We trampled our enemies like a team of chariot horses, working in perfect unison. An affable traveling companion, thus far we’d shared similar opinions on topics ranging from vampires to Whiterun to the conjuration of atronachs. I found all of these qualities alluring, though I’d never been attracted to a Dunmer before.

I busied myself while Argis emptied and moved the large brass tub. I read scrolls, journals and books, and sorted the new weapons, staffs, gems and jewelry I’d acquired. I took quill, paper and ink and wrote a letter to my husband, which I would have Argis send by courier in the morning.

After my housecarl completed his tasks and returned to the kitchen, I sneaked into the main hall and approached the alchemy alcove near the front of the house. There were no doors in the entire dwelling, only those at the front entrance. My view thus unhindered, I could see the tub, and the back of Teldryn’s head, shaved but for a stripe of dark hair running down the middle. For once, he wasn’t wearing his chitin helmet and goggles. They lay on the floor, along with the red scarf with which he typically covered his face. I crept closer without making a sound.

“Good evening, outlander.”

I straightened from my stealthy crouch. “I don’t deserve to lead the Thieves Guild. How did you know I was there?”

“By the silence. I’ve heard you moving about for the past hour, and then… nothing. That you were up to some nefarious purpose seemed the obvious explanation.”

“How did you know I hadn’t fallen asleep?”

“I didn’t hear you climb into bed.”

“You’re a clever one.” I lowered my voice to a seductive purr. “But my purpose isn’t nefarious.”

I took a step closer and could see the ashen tip of his left ear ending in a long point, the corner of his eye, and a streak of purple over his high cheekbone. A scar? A tattoo?

“That’s far enough, please.”

His lean, well-muscled arm rested along the rim of the tub and blocked my view of anything else, so I amused myself counting the freckles, darker gray on gray skin, that dotted his triceps and forearm.

“Why are you so mysterious, dark elf? Are you disfigured? Is that why you hide your face?”

“I assure you, I am the handsomest of Dunmer.”

I’d become quite familiar with Teldryn’s sarcasm. “That’s not saying much,” I quipped in return.

He rewarded me with his musical laughter. “Good night, Dovahkiin.”

“I would sleep better with someone beside me.”

“I believe you mean someone inside you. You should speak to your housecarl. He is dying to be of assistance to you in that regard. I can see it in his face. And his pants. I’m sure he’ll do anything you ask.”

“But you won’t?”

“I am not your servant nor your plaything. If I am ever in your bed, it will not be because you ordered me to be there, nor because you paid me to be there. And it will never be because you needed to scratch an itch and I happened to be the nearest branch.”

The arrogant bastard, to refuse the Dragonborn AND an agent of Dibella, goddess of passion, anointed in the temple of this very city. He didn’t know what he was missing. I imagined myself taking the insolent dark elf by his bristle of black hair and dragging him back to my bed chamber, tying him down and enchanting his staff with every trick I knew. I felt flushed and damp at the thought. I could do it, but I wouldn’t. Dibella’s gifts could only be shared with the willing.

“You are not so insignificant to me.”

“Good to know.” He waved me away. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Aching and angry as if I’d been hit by a frost-enchanted warhammer, I returned to my room, blew out the candles, climbed under the covers and closed my eyes, alone. Within a quarter hour of sleepless seething, I heard Argis approach, noisy as peddler’s cart in his steel armor.

“Is there anything I can do for you, my Thane?” His low, husky voice bespoke the release of my tensions.

“I cannot sleep.”

Dying light from the kitchen fire outlined the Nord’s hulking silhouette at my bedside. “The dark elf is a fool.”

No. In my experience, Teldryn Sero was anything but a fool. Though I felt like one, myself. No one had ever refused me before. To be denied by some dusty vagabond, wearing armor made from animal shell. If he thought he was too good to have his precious elven blade honed by Imperial lips, to Oblivion with him.

I rolled over, leaning on my shield arm. My robe dropped from my shoulder and revealed the curve of one breast, golden as an apple in the firelight.

“Pretend I’m not your Thane, and you are not my housecarl. If I am just a woman, and you are just a man, would you bed me?”

“I would. By the Divines, of course I would.”

I threw back the covers. When I opened my robe and my knees, he groaned at the invitation. Fumbling with the buckles on his armor, he practically ripped the metal pieces off of his body before he fell on me and buried his face between my legs.

Where my older and more experienced husband would have started at my toes and worked his way up each leg, then teased each breast to make the honey drip from my beehive before he lapped it up, Argis used a power attack in place of skill. Riding a sabre cat bareback up the Seven Thousand Steps of High Hrothgar might come close to the sensation of his unshaven mouth devouring me, licking, biting and sucking until his tongue triggered the little pressure plate of pleasure just above my treasure vault. I cried out and clenched his golden-red hair with both hands while he triggered it again and again.

He moved to my breasts like a starving boy eating boiled cream treats. When he put his lips to mine, I could smell myself on his beard, taste myself on his probing tongue. His woolly chest and thighs felt like soft moss over granite boulders. The musk of ale, sweat and steel surrounded me, the perfume of every male Nord. His equipment wasn’t as large as Stenvar’s, but adequate to the task.

I wrapped my legs around him, but he would not invade the castle so freely offered. Instead, he rolled me over on my hands and knees, rubbing his cock against my backside, his hands caressing every inch of me. I spread my knees further apart and tried to impale myself upon his sword.

“Sanguine’s balls, take me now!”

He groaned again, as if struggling under some great burden. “I … I would ask…”

“Yes?”

His voice sounded strained. “To speak your name, my Thane.”

“Then speak it.” I didn’t give a skeever’s tail if he called me General Tullius.

Argis plunged into my damp cave, moaning, “Zephyr” and “Dragonborn,” at intervals. He clutched a cluster of braids and held my hair like reins as he slammed into me, again and again, grunting with each thrust.

I let him know how much he pleased me, encouraging him, crying out and begging for more. It felt exquisite to be taken so fiercely, wanted so intensely. I only wished he would pet my Khajiit while he hammered my anvil, and bring my frenzy to another climax.

I grasped his arm and twisted my body, pulling him off-balance and shoving him onto his back. I had the blood and soul of a dragon to make me strong. He didn’t seem to mind, though he struggled enough to make the victory sweet. I pinned his wrists and rode him for my own enjoyment, galloping as if I were pursued by the hoards of Oblivion. My breasts bounced against his chest.

“I need…” He gasped. “Another stamina potion.”

I slowed my pace but did not relent. I squeezed him between the walls of my secret passage and moved my hips like a tavern dancer.

“Another?” I teased, gripping his chin and looking into his good eye. “How many did you take before you came to me, Argis?”

“Three,” he growled through gritted teeth.

I let him roll me onto my back, his blade still buried to the hilt. He kissed me, pinching my nipples between his rough fingers and sending jolts of painful pleasure through me. I writhed under him and climbed my peak, even as I perceived the tension in him, nearing his own release. When I felt the throb of his cock, Dibella blessed me with her gift, again, and I moaned. He thrust, cried out and shivered as he joined me in ecstasy.

When the wave had crashed and our passions ebbed, he collapsed, his head falling to my bosom. I stroked his hair while he caught his breath.

“Thank you, Argis.”

“I’m honored, my Thane. Are you pleased?”

“Yes.”

He lifted his head. “May I please you again?”

“In the morning. You can sleep here tonight.”

Wrapped protectively around my back, he soon snored softly in my ear. But that was not the reason why I couldn’t sleep.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Teldryn Sero.

* * *

Read more Skyrim…

Skyrim smut 1: “Come with me to Sovngarde
Skyrim smut 2: “I need another stamina potion”
Skyrim smut 3: “Tickling the angry troll”
Skyrim smut 4: “The Dunmer of Debauchery”
Skyrim smut 5: “A Tsunny Day in Shor’s Realm”
Skyrim smut 6: “Return to Solitude”

How I left my husband for a man with pointy ears

* * *

~ J.L. Hilton

Connect, support, comment or contact the author here

Posted in Fantasy, Freebies, Romance, Video games | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Skyrim smut, part 2: “I need another stamina potion”

Dirk Gently and the short, quirky science fiction show that didn’t suck

This post originally appeared February 23, 2014, on the Contact – Infinite Futures SF blog.

I heard the words, “the fundamental interconnectedness of all things,” while hunched over my laptop at the dining table. I couldn’t see the TV but I could see my husband.

“Is that Dirk Gently?” I asked.

Voice infused with incredulity, he said, “How did you know?”

He had that look on his face. I’ve seen it several times before, after I’ve just said something uncanny.

“I read the books when I was in college.” Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (1987) and The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul (1988) by Douglas Adams — better known for the inappropriately-named Hitchhiker’s Guide Trilogy.

“But it’s only the first minute of the show!”

“Is it on Hulu?”

“Amazon Prime.” The words came out in a kind of sigh or relief. I wasn’t psychic after all, and he didn’t need to reassess his atheism before the impending apocalypse.

While I enjoyed the adventures of Dirk Gently much more than those of interstellar hitch-hiker Arthur Dent, some twenty years later I couldn’t recall exactly what those adventures entailed. A quick check of Wikipedia reminded me that Dirk was a “holistic detective” who refused to believe he was psychic, insisting that he merely had a “depressingly accurate knack for making wild assumptions.” The depressing part being that he couldn’t use his knack to win money on horses. I could empathize.

The Dirk Gently TV series was a comedy detective drama with science fiction elements such as artificial intelligence and time travel. An hour-long pilot episode loosely based on the 1987 novel was broadcast on BBC Four in December 2010 and watched by 1.1 million viewers. Three one-hour episodes were subsequently commissioned in March 2011 and broadcast in March 2012.

Sadly, the show ended there. It’s well worth watching, as I discovered after leaving my laptop and joining my husband. The obvious standard for comparison and contrast was Doctor Who. Like the Doctor, the detective was sharp of mind and tongue, quirky and British. Unlike the Doctor, he’s a self-centered anti-hero, loathed by everyone around him except his stalwart friend, the kind-hearted and loyal Richard MacDuff.

One of the show’s writers, Matt Jones, also wrote episodes of Doctor Who and TorchwoodDirk Gently writer and producer Howard Overman also wrote for the show Merlin, and is the creator of the science fiction comedy-drama Misfits, comedy-drama police procedural Vexed, and fantasy-adventure Atlantis.

Though the books were written over twenty years ago, the TV program updated Dirk and incorporated modern technology. Which got me to wondering: How much should an adaptation stick to its source material? I thoroughly enjoyed Dirk Gently on the small screen, but was that a product of my inability to recall details from the books, and thus I viewed the show with unbiased eyes?

Fans with better memories have said the usual “it wasn’t as good as the book.” Is anything ever as good as the book? And how much does that affect your enjoyment of a television series or movie?

~ J.L. Hilton

Connect, support, comment or contact the author here

Posted in Science Fiction, TV Shows | Tagged , | Comments Off on Dirk Gently and the short, quirky science fiction show that didn’t suck