Try-It Tuesday: STARDEW VALLEY

My family’s been after me to play STARDEW VALLEY for months. I avoided the game because I thought it would be another Farmville. Wow, was I wrong.

STARDEW VALLEY looks like a cute little gardening simulator, but there’s also fishing, foraging, crafting, ranching, cooking, adventuring, brewing, and more.

Scratch the surface of STARDEW VALLEY and you’ll find wizards, magic, monsters, treasures, forest sprites, and mysterious mariners who only appear when it rains. There are strange artifacts to dig up and donate to the museum, books to read in the library, and puzzles to solve.

The idyllic village life masks conflict, financial woes, marital problems, and personal strife. One husband and father is away fighting in a war. Other villagers cope with alcoholism and depression, conduct secret love affairs, or struggle to stay in business.

Give gifts, make friends, and you’ll receive packages in the mail with useful supplies or experience cutscenes that offer glimpses into the lives and personalities of the people in Pelican Town. Some friendships can even lead to marriage and a family of your own.

I’m having a good time with this game and will continue to stream STARDEW VALLEY singleplayer on Twitch. My friend IceStella will join me later in co-op mode.

STARDEW VALLEY is available on PC, Mac, Linus, PS4, Xbox One, Nintendo Switch, PS Vita, and as a mobile game for both iOS and Android. It’s rated “E” for everyone 10+ and includes fantasy violence, mild blood, mild language, use of alcohol and tobacco, and simulated gambling.

My streams, however, are intended for mature viewers, as I have a filthy mouth and a dirty mind.

UPDATE 01/20/2020: I’ve added a STARDEW VALLEY playlist to my YouTube channel with highlights from my Twitch streams. Videos range in length from 3-30 minutes each but most are around 5-10 minutes.

Click here to go to my STARDEW VALLEY playlist on YouTube

~ J.L. Hilton

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Fall is here!

Took this picture at Trader Joe’s today!

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GOD OF WAR: The Jötunheim Wall of Prophecy

I recently finished the main story in GOD OF WAR. Near the end of their journey, Kratos and Atreus enter Jötunheim and discover a wall carved with runes and images. Some depict Kratos’ wife and Atreus’ mother Faye. Others show scenes from the game. Some, crumbling away or partially hidden beneath a red curtain, seem to hint at things to come in a sequel.

The writing on the wall is made up of symbols from the Elder Futhark. Dating back more than 1,500 years, versions of this alphabet were used for centuries by Norse, Germanic, Anglo-Saxon and Scandinavian people, including Vikings, and inspired J.R.R. Tolkien’s Cirth script.

When I started playing GOD OF WAR and met the Stranger, I saw that the red runes across his back spelled the word “cursed.”

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elder_Futhark

So, I thought it likely that the runes carved in Jötunheim would also say something and were not just random decorations. Here are some I’ve managed to translate.

This section of the wall shows the final battle between Kratos and Baldur. One side says “Baldur,” but the runes beside Kratos spell “Farbauti.”

In Norse mythology, Farbauti was the husband of Laufey and father of Loki. One translation of the name Farbauti is “cruel striker.”

There are some runes above a carving of what looks like Faye’s funeral pyre. But they don’t translate into English, like Baldur’s “cursed” tattoo. Plugging them into Google translate tells me they are Icelandic and say “in death comes defender finally back to Jotunheim I have a war.”

According to notes in the game wiki, they are supposed to mean, “In death, the guardian will finally come back to Jötunheim in the hands of the einherjar.” However, there’s not actually an “R” at the end of “einherja” on the wall.

In Norse mythology the “einherjar” (with an “R” at the end) are those who die in battle and are taken to Valhalla by valkyries. The einherjar prepare for Ragnarok when they will join in a huge battle between the gods and the forces led by Surtr, a fire giant from Muspelheim.

But using Google translate with just the word “einherja” (without the “R”) translates to “champions.” Kratos and Atreus? So maybe a better translation is “in death, the guardian returns to Jotunheim in the hands of (her) champions.”

There are some phrases just above the red curtain (in the blue area of the picture below). These can be translated to “blood of fathers blood of gods” and “secret summit errand found.”

This seems to refer to the journey Kratos and Atreus took to the hidden summit in Jötunheim. But does “errand found” refer to the quest they completed or to a new mission – to vanquish the enemies of the giants?

I wonder if the entire journey was not predicted by Faye so much as set up by her, to show them not just who she really was, but what happened to her people and why Kratos must do what he does best – kill gods.

Beneath the red curtain we are given a glimpse of what looks like Atreus holding a fallen Kratos, though the man is wearing a different garb than the “Farbauti” we saw earlier.

The word above Atreus is “andlat” which translates to “death” in Icelandic. The runes to the top right spell “foður” which means “father.” Another word near the pair seems to be “hormui” which translates to “mourned.”

Slightly hidden by Kratos, near the bottom, are runes that spell “svik” which translates to “betrayal.”

Words spiral from Atreus’ mouth, possibly a song, spell or lament. I’ve read online that some players think this is the birth of the Midgard serpent, flowing from him. Others think it’s not Kratos at all but Odin, also known as the “All-Father.” But why would Atreus mourn the death of Odin?

In a game that offers resurrection stones, it doesn’t make sense that Kratos would actually die. But after battling Baldur, there is a conversation between Kratos and his son, where he admits that he would die if it meant that Atreus would live.

It’s also possible that Kratos chooses to die for some other reason, such as being with his wife Faye or being taken to Valhalla by the Valkyries to face Odin himself. Or — like Faye’s death — to set necessary events in motion.

If we move past the red curtain, the rest of the wall seems to be damaged and crumbled away. This could simply be a way for the developers to hide what’s to come. Or it could be symbolic of the idea that the future is not “set in stone” and that Kratos and Atreus may still change their fate.

From the bits of runes that can be made out, there’s a portion that refers to “Laufei” (aka Faye or Laufey) and seems to repeat, in three ways, the idea of trusting her and doing what she wanted them to do. This is similar to Atreus’ lines in the game when he stands in front of the red curtain and says, “If she had a plan for us… I trust it. Whatever it is.”

Then we have a little area that shows Atreus aka Loki with his bow and quiver, traveling with three wolves. The runes are hard to make out, thus hard to translate, but could be referring to war, fate, anger and wolves.

In Norse myth, Loki is the father of the wolf Fenrir, who is the father of Skoll and Hati, the wolves who devour the sun and moon at the beginning of Ragnarok. This carving could be a reference to Atreus’ in-game ability to summon three wolves with the magic of his Talon Bow or it could suggest that Atreus will have three actual wolf companions in a sequel.

When Kratos and Atreus defeat Baldur, snow begins to fall. When the two re-enter Midgard after leaving Jötunheim, the world is covered in snow. Brok the dwarf calls it Fimbulwinter. In Norse mythology, this is a harsh season that heralds the end of the world.

Ragnarok, the doom of the gods, is coming.

Here’s another interesting item of note, nothing to do with the Jötunheim prophecy wall but the shrine to Bergelmir. It shows a man with a long, pointed beard and a spiral on his left arm, similar to Kratos.

The runes above his wife’s head spell “Nal,” which in Norse mythology is another name for Laufey.

GOD OF WAR doesn’t follow mythology exactly, so it could be that this Nal is supposed to be an entirely different person. Or…

Is it possible that Faye is the mother of all giants? Is Kratos actually Bergelmir? Will he go back in time, find Faye, and become the parents of all frost giants? Did Faye know who he really was when she met him, because she knew him from her past?

There may be a deeper meaning in Bergelmir’s shrine being the last and final shrine, found in Tyr’s secret chambers beneath the Realm Travel Room, to complete the More Than Myth labor.

According to one fan theory, Kratos will turn out to be Tyr, not Bergelmir. Tyr is depicted in a tapestry sporting a beard similar to Kratos’ and accompanied by a woman who looks similar to the image of Laufey (Faye) in the Jotunheim mural.

In Tyr’s vault, there’s pottery decorated with an image of Kratos. References to various lands – Greece, Japan and Egypt – visited by Tyr are seen during the ride down into the vault and again on the missing panel of Tyr’s Jotnar shrine, found in Odin’s chamber (see below, clockwise from top right: Greek omega, triskele, Japanese tomoe and Egyptian eye of Horus).

The triskele or triskelion is sometimes called a “Celtic spiral” but spirals carved on the megalithic tomb of Newgrange in Ireland, built around 3200 BCE, appear before the Celts are thought to have arrived in the area. Spirals and triple-spirals are also found on ancient Greek and Maltese vessels as far back as 4400–3600 BCE. But symbols of three, such as the triple horn and the valknut, are common in Viking artifacts, so I wonder if the game devs represented Midgard with the triskele symbol – implying that Kratos began in Greece (omega), moved to Midgard (spirals) and that the next game will take him to Japan (tomoe).

There are rumors that the game developers want to take God of War into Egypt and other lands. Could these be hints to Kratos’ future/past as Tyr?

GOD OF WAR suggests that time travel is possible. Mimir mentions that during Ragnarok, the serpent Jörmungandr will fight Thor and get knocked back in time before its own birth. Past and future is “a matter of perspective” he tells Atreus when they find the Jotnar shrine to Surtr in Muspelheim.

But, based on the lore in the game, Tyr is the son of Odin and Mimir seems to have known him. Kratos is the son of Zeus and, as far as I know, Mimir doesn’t recognize him. Though, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything, because we know Mimir can be bewitched, as he was by Freya, and not be able to talk about things.

The idea of being a “good god” is a significant theme in GOD OF WAR. I think it would be an incredible story arc for Kratos if, after all he’s done, he becomes beloved Bergelmir, king of giants, or Tyr, who brought peace and justice.

~ J.L. Hilton

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Fallout New Vegas fanfiction: “Special Delivery in Jacobstown”


Artwork by of-devils-and-drawings.tumblr.com

ADULTS ONLY. This is a steamy story about Lacy the Mojave courier and Marcus the mutant mayor of Jacobstown. Based on my playthrough of Fallout: New Vegas. Contains explicit sexual content, language and romance.

May also be read on AO3.

1,400 words

* * *

“Special Delivery in Jacobstown”

“I got your room ready,” said Marcus. “Cleaned it. Made the bed. Put a bucket of water and some towels on the table. Not saying you need to wash, just thought you might appreciate it.”

“Thanks.”

Lacy followed him along a wood-paneled hallway. His hunched shoulders spanned the width of the corridor and his head almost touched the ceiling. Lacy was a big woman, nearly 6-foot in her boots, but small compared to mutants.

He stopped at the last room on the right. “Well, good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the radroaches bite.”

“Good night.”

She entered the old hotel room and leaned her plasma rifle against the wall by the bed, dropped her pack, and unbuckled her gun belt. When she turned around, he was still in the doorway but stepped out of sight when she spotted him.

“I will miss you,” said her stealth suit in a soft voice when Lacy undressed.

She washed her face and hands, then wiped down with a wet towel. It always felt good to shake off the Mojave dust in the cool, mountain air.

Setting aside a glass of water to drink, she rinsed her underwear in the bucket, wrung them out and hung them on the bed post to dry. Then she slipped into a chemise she’d found in an abandoned house a few months back. It didn’t quite fit and her boobs were about to burst out of the bra cups, but she liked the satiny fabric against her skin.

She dug into her pack for a Sunset Sarsaparilla and heard a noise. Leaving the bottle unopened, she grabbed her pistol and tip-toed to the doorway.

It was Marcus.

“Do you need something?”

He turned around. “No, sorry. Didn’t mean to bother you.”

“Are you gonna stand here all night?”

“I might walk up and down the hall, keeping watch. Don’t mind me.”

Jacobstown was full of purple Nightkin and green-skinned mutants like Marcus. Well, not quite like Marcus. He had a higher intelligence than any mutant she’d ever known, and higher than most humans. But she’d been coming and going from the remote settlement for months, brought them supplies, helped them with a few problems, and though the residents could be a bit… unusual… at times, she felt safer here than anywhere in the Mojave.

“Is something going on?”

“No, no. Nothing’s going on.”

Something was definitely going on.

“Maybe you should come in and sit down.”

Lacy waved him into the room. He ducked under the door frame and sat on the couch. It creaked under his weight.

“You can go ahead and sleep.”

She returned her gun to its holster. “Not until you tell me what’s on your mind.”

He noticed her underwear on the bedpost and quickly lowered his gaze to the floor. “I, uh… I just want to make sure you’re safe and sound.”

She could do basic math, even if the numbers were green, and she added things up.

“Marcus, do you like me?”

“You’re a decent human.”

She stood between his knees, lifted his chin and looked into his gray eyes. “Do you want to touch me?”

“Yes.”

“Like this?” She put his hand on her waist and guided it over the curve of her hip. Only the thin fabric of her nightgown separated his skin from hers.

“You’re so soft.” His voice sounded even deeper than usual. “And beautiful.”

“You obviously haven’t seen the girls at Gomorrah.”

“I’ve seen women. I like you.”

Lacy removed his headset and goggles. “Good. Because I like you, too.”

“But I’m a mutant.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

Together, they unbuckled his wasteland armor and piled it on the couch. His scarred skin felt like thick leather stretched over muscles hard as rock. He seemed uncomfortable being touched but could leave anytime he wanted to. He obviously didn’t want to.

“Not everything about a mutant is huge,” he blurted out.

“Are you talking about your…”

He fidgeted and the couch creaked. “I just want you to know, if you’re curious. Now you don’t have to be curious.”

“So, you’re not packing a deathclaw dick?”

He chuckled, more of a grunt than a laugh. “You know, I went to a bar once that had one mounted on the wall. I don’t think it was real.”

Lacy slid the straps of her nightgown off her shoulders, exposing her breasts, and he stopped laughing. She pressed his rough, calloused hands to her chest and he moaned a long, low noise, like a growl, as he exhaled.

“Do you like that?” she asked.

“Yes.”

Lacy climbed onto his lap, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. His lips were thick, like his skin, and dry. She wet them with her tongue.

He nuzzled her neck, inhaling deeply and sighing. “You smell good. You taste good. But I don’t know if I can… It’s been a long time.”

“Do you want to stop?”

“No.” He hugged her closer and sadness softened his gravelly voice. “I’m just afraid I’ll disappoint you and you won’t come back. I want you to come back. But I don’t know why you’d want an old mutant like me.”

“I’ve been to every corner of the Mojave, met every kind of person there is. They all want something. Sex, chems, revenge, caps, power… But you’re different. You want a safe place for people with no where else to go and I lo–”

Lacy caught herself before she finished the word. Did she really love a mutant? Well, didn’t she always return to him, every chance she got? Didn’t she spend hours swapping stories with him? Patrolling the settlement? Finding the supplies he needed? Bringing him extra ammo? Risking cazadores and the Legion’s assassination squads to walk the long road into the forest? Jacobstown had begun to feel like home. He felt like home.

“I love you.”

Marcus scowled even deeper than usual. She didn’t expect him to say it back. She didn’t know what she expected, really, but he kissed her and kept on kissing her, her ears, hair, neck, shoulders, breasts. He reached under her nightgown and grasped her bare ass.

She guided his hand between her legs and gasped when he inserted one thick finger. His thumb against her clit, she rode his hand to a climax, which didn’t take long. She clung to him until she caught her breath and the spasms ended.

He carried her across the room and laid her on the bed with her ass at the edge of the mattress, then dropped to his knees so his hips were level with hers as he pushed down his ragged shorts. Even semi-hard, his package would have been on the larger side of average, had he been human. Bigger than she expected, after what he’d said. It only seemed small compared to the rest of him.

With her feet against his shoulders, he grasped her thighs and rubbed against her pussy until he got hard enough. She was soaking wet and he went in easy, pounding harder and harder until the bed thumped against the wall and her plasma rifle fell over. He didn’t last any longer than she had. He throbbed inside of her as he made one final thrust and groaned as he came.

Breathing heavy, he leaned over her, careful not to crush her under his weight. “Are you all right? I didn’t hurt you?”

“I’m fine. You?”

“Pretty good. Thank you.”

She asked for the damp towel and he handed it to her. He sat on the floor and watched her clean herself up, wrestle her boobs back into the chemise, and pick up her underwear from where they fell on the floor.

He uncapped the sarsaparilla with a flick of his thumbnail and handed her the bottle. She took a drink and offered it to him. He declined.

“You think this bed is big enough for both of us?”

He looked under the mattress. “I’d have to reinforce it with some tires or cinder blocks, if you wanted me to sleep here.”

“Better get busy then.”

He hitched up his britches. “I’ll be right back.”

Next time she returned to Jacobstown, Marcus had one of the bungalows fixed up for them. It took a few trips, but Lily Bowen helped her move all her things from Novac.

After securing independence for New Vegas, Lacy lived in the mountains with Marcus for the rest of their lives. More ghouls moved in, and a few more humans, and Jacobstown became a thriving place where everyone was welcome, so long as they tried to get along and didn’t stare at the Nightkin.

* * *

Notes:

In FO2, Marcus makes a comment about not wanting to get a prostitute pregnant. According to online sources, game writer Chris Avellone intended the line to be a joke because mutants are sterile. Some players interpret the “sterile” lore as proof that mutants do not have sex. However, “sterile” does not necessarily mean “castrated” nor “impotent” nor “asexual.” It is very possible to be sterile – unable to make babies – and still be able to have intercourse and/or to desire sexual contact.

Based on in-game lore, it seems to depend on the origin of the mutant. Those from the West Coast, like Marcus, may still have functioning parts or at least functioning libidos. I haven’t played FO2, but I’ve read that there are mutants who argue over porn mags, mutants into BDSM, and mutants who visit brothels.

It’s the mutants on the East Coast who lose sexual characteristics, possibly due to differences in the FEV strain. This may also reflect differences in the origins of the games themselves — with Interplay/Black Isle/Obsidian making the Fallout games set on the West Coast and Bethesda making the Fallout games set on the East Coast.

For this story, I’ve gone with the “sterile but sexual” interpretation of Marcus. Also, with his character being more intelligent than other mutants, I’ve given him thoughts and feelings that are closer to his human origins than the types of mutants players may know from FO4. Ultimately, it’s all headcanon anyway, so let’s just have fun with it! Thanks for reading!

~ J.L. Hilton

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See a complete list of video game fiction, articles and more under the Video Games tab of this website or click here

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Now streaming GOD OF WAR on Twitch

I tried GOD OF WAR in January (watch here) and I loved it! But I wanted to finish Horizon Zero Dawn, my husband needed back surgery, and then we moved, so it took me awhile to get back to the badass dad and his boy.

I’m streaming on Twitch every week, Monday through Thursday, in the afternoon. Broadcasts are saved on my channel (JEWELSMITH) and can be watched anytime. I also upload edited videos to my YouTube channel (JEWELSMITH).

I hope you’ll join me for some boomerang axe action and kayaking!

~ J.L. Hilton

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Try-It Tuesday: SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS

I played SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS this week because my daughter had a copy of the 2018 remake for PlayStation 4. She bought it because she’s studying video game design in college, and the original 2005 version is considered a classic, influencing many games that came after.

Critics loved the remake but I have to wonder how much nostalgia influenced that reception. SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS enchanted young players a decade ago, so they grew up to write about the game with rose-colored glasses.

Having no nostalgia of my own, ignorant of exactly what place it holds in the annals of video game history, and not being a 12-year-old, SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS quickly grew boring and repetitive for me. Climb up the hairy back, stab the glowing tattoo. Over and over and over. The beasts try to shake you off so you have to hold on, but you only have so much grip strength. When that runs out, you either have to find a place to rest or you fall and have to climb again. That’s about it.

There doesn’t seem to be much else going on in SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS but expansive vistas with a whole lotta nothing. No characters to talk to, no chests to open, no explanations, no lore. I never even found out the protagonist’s name or why he wanted to revive the dead girl so badly he was willing to be bathed in black brain juice.

The colossi probably get more challenging, and they are really cool to look at, but considering how far I have to travel to each one — on the worst horse-riding simulator ever, with an impossibly clunky camera — I have zero interest in finding out.

SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS is rated “T” for teens, due to blood and violence.

~ J.L. Hilton

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Try-It Tuesday: FE

FE is a 2018 release from Zoink, the makers of Zombie Vikings and Flipping Death. I loved Zombie Vikings and played all the way through last summer. I wanted to like Flipping Death but did one live stream and couldn’t get into it. So I wasn’t sure if I wanted to play FE but it went on sale for $4.99 and I decided to try it.

In the style of Journey or Flower, it’s an experience of moody environmental storytelling without dialog. While the other two Zoink games were side-scrollers, FE is more of an open world adventure.

The main character, controlled in 3rd person POV, is a small creature similar to a fox or squirrel who can jump, swim, climb trees, pick up objects, ride larger creatures, hide in bushes, and sing. Singing, and learning new songs, seems to be the core game mechanic.

While there aren’t hidden object games or literal jigsaw puzzles to solve, FE is a puzzle game. It is very much about exploring, finding clues and figuring out how to use the environment to achieve goals.

The graphics are also very different from the other Zoink games. I loved the art style in Zombie Vikings and Flipping Death but I don’t really care for the visuals in FE. Not just because of personal taste but because I found the geometric angles and “black light” color scheme difficult to navigate.

A word of advice if you’re going to play FE, the title screen says “options” but doesn’t offer much more than volume controls. Press the “options” button on the PS4 controller while actually playing the game and you’ll get a bigger menu. If you’re like me and need to invert the Y-axis, this is where you’ll do that.

FE is available on Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4, Xbox One and Origin for PC. It’s rated “E” for everyone. The only ESRB warning is “mild fantasy violence.”

~ J.L. Hilton

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Try-It Tuesday: TITANFALL 2

This week I played TITANFALL 2, a first-person shooter developed by Respawn Entertainment and published by Electronic Arts. It’s a 2016 sequel to the game Titanfall (2014), available for PC, PlayStation 4 and Xbox One.

I spent most of my time in the tutorial, learning the game controls, trying out various weapons, and collecting batteries for my Titan, a souped-up version of power armor with its own AI.

This stream was my first ever on Twitch and I later uploaded an edited video to YouTube. I may continue following this format for all of my Try-It Tuesdays in the future.

TITANFALL 2 is science fiction, if you hadn’t already guessed, with multiplayer modes and a single-player campaign that follows the story of Jack Cooper, voiced by Matthew Mercer (MacCready in Fallout 4). He’s a rifleman in the Frontier Militia, which seemed similar to the Browncoats of Firefly and Serenity.

I had a really good time and would play the hell out of TITANFALL 2 if it didn’t have all the parkour platformer double jumps and wall-running. I know a lot of players love that stuff but it’s not something I enjoy. Oh, well.

 TITANFALL 2 is rated “M” for “mature” adults, due to blood and gore, language and violence.

~ J.L. Hilton

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Thrift store find: Silver oak leaf pin

I plucked this gem from piles of cheap costume jewelry for only $2. It’s a Beau Sterling rhodium-plated oak leaf pin from the 1960s, according to Internet sources selling them for $35 online.

My husband asked if I could do that all day, picking through trash to find treasures. Oh yes, yes I could. It’s why scavenging is my favorite part of Fallout 4.

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Some sad news

Please note, this post contains references to domestic violence, child abuse and animal cruelty. 

My dad died today, on his 74th birthday. Ten days ago, on my birthday, he fell, hit his head, and went into a coma from which he never woke.

When I was a kid in the 1970s, my dad introduced me to science fiction, computers, kung fu, video games and Dungeons & Dragons. He bought a Darth Vader helmet and made a costume by dyeing his old army fatigues black and making a chest piece in the garage. He used to play the princess game with me where I would run down the hall, lose a shoe like Cinderella, fall into bed like Sleeping Beauty, and he would wake me with a kiss on the cheek.

He had an incredible imagination and a great sense of humor. He gave me treasure hunts, art lessons, board games, card games, haunted houses, dances and songs. He loved to sing. He taught me to read and write before I entered kindergarten. He brought home pieces of colored wire from work so I could make bracelets and rings when I was 9 years old.

In so many ways, I am my father’s daughter. But not in every way.

I wish I could say I’ll miss him but he was an abuser who also collected guns, Nazi paraphernalia and anti-Catholic comic books along with his Star Wars memorabilia.

As a kid, I had black eyes, bruises, and a broken ear drum. I’ve watched him hit my mom, beat my yelping dog, knock over my sister in her high chair, kick his mother, and threaten to get a gun and shoot us. He was highly controlling, always right, and accepted nothing less than perfection and total obedience. To disagree or disappoint him was to risk a beating and/or setting off a tantrum that would result in family members and pets being abused and household objects broken. He could be enraged by something as small as a scrap of paper on the floor, a towel folded incorrectly, or not eating every bite on your plate at meal times.

“You’ll understand someday when you have kids of your own,” is the old saying. Well, I have kids – one of whom is an adult now – and I still don’t understand my father. I would never treat my kids the way he treated his and I have a spouse who’s never behaved like that. Before I married, I dated plenty of people who didn’t terrify me, throw temper tantrums or break things, no matter how bad their day might be or what they were going through.

This is not a eulogy for him but a message for anyone who’s experienced something like this and needs to know they’re not alone.

If you or someone you love is being abused, please seek help. If you think your life or someone else’s life is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.

If you hurt the people you love, if you use physical violence or anger to control others, please seek help.

If you have experienced abuse in the past and have depression, anxiety, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, IBS, risky sexual behaviors, addiction, autoimmune disorders or other difficulties linked to abuse, I hope you are getting the help that you need.

If you’re not sure where to start, try MentalHealth.gov or talk to your doctor.

I’ll also write this for anyone who thinks “he can’t be an abuser, he’s such a nice guy.” It’s not fun to think that someone you know is capable of doing bad things. But I’m here to tell you that it is absolutely possible to be both kind and cruel, humorous and horrifying, friendly and an utter fucking shithead. It is possible to be a co-worker, a friend, a family member AND an abuser.

“I know there is good in you,” Luke Skywalker told his dad. Unfortunately, as far as I know, my dad never had a Darth Vader moment of redemption. The last thing I remember him saying to me was “fucking bitch” and we never spoke again. That was exactly 23 years ago.

I don’t need to hear that he’s the only dad I’ll ever have, I should forgive him, I should have kept in touch etc. I’ve done the therapy with professionals and I’ve spent my entire life dealing with this, in one way or another. I know he struggled with his own demons and he wasn’t healthy in mind or body. Doesn’t mean I should have subjected myself or my own children to an abusive person.

Something else I don’t want or need is sympathy and I don’t want to be told how “strong” I am. I’m not. Yes, I got through it, but what choice did I have? This bullshit weakened me, weakened me badly. I left as soon as I could, when I turned 18, and I survived because I’m lucky. Some children aren’t.

Five children a day die in the United States from child abuse and neglect.

If you feel compelled to act in some way, to respond to what I’m saying, please contact organizations that help victims of domestic violence and work to prevent child abuse. Don’t contact me. I am not comfortable talking about this. Most people, even my friends and family, don’t know the extent of what I’ve been through.

But if I can stop the cycle of abuse for one other person, if I can help someone else get through the day knowing they’re not alone, if I can prevent someone out there from being an asshole to their own kids, if I can raise a $1 to help the estimated 10 million people who are abused by an intimate partner every year in the U.S., then it needs to be said and it might as well be today.

Happy birthday, dad. Rest in peace.

~ J.L. Hilton

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