I’d never played a Metal Gear Solid game before, so when Playstation offered the 2015 METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN free for PS+ members, I decided to try it. From a few Youtube videos, the game looked like an open world military stealth adventure with really good graphics and a few weird elements, such as hiding in cardboard boxes and capturing things with balloons.

Well, based on the hour-long totally over the top tutorial level, the game is even weirder than that.

As the protagonist, “Snake,” I woke up in a hospital to discover I had no left arm, been in a coma for nine years, and contained over 100 pieces of shrapnel, some of which were other people’s bones and teeth. Then an assassin killed my doctor and nurse with a wire, and a guy without pants (or underwear) helped me escape. We were chased by the X-men’s gimp on a flying flame unicorn, an army, Pippi Longstocking, and a helicopter-eating red whale, but were saved by a cowboy. And, no, this wasn’t a dream sequence. Then I picked flowers and went on a mission to return a man’s sunglasses.

If that makes any sense to you, maybe you’ve played a Metal Gear Solid game before. Honestly, the whole thing felt like someone watched a 10-year-old boy playing with a box of old toys at a yard sale, and then turned that into a video game prologue.

None of it seemed to have anything to do with the actual gameplay, which — once I got into it — was pretty much like DISHONORED without the corpse-eating rats, lore books, bath salts, and crumbling Victorian architecture: Sneak around, kill people, hide bodies.

From what I understand, if I continue playing, I’ll have my own secret base where I can kidnap soldiers to work for me, punch them for morale, and ogle at a woman who is medically required to wear a bikini.

The Phantom Pain also used this amazing song, written by David Bowie, which somehow I’d never heard before.

~ J.L. Hilton

Connect, support, comment or contact the author here 

This entry was posted in Science Fiction, Video games and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

Comments are closed.